Wow. I like the last sentance a lot. You really have good characterizations and excelent writing.
I really really love this story. I like when Sirius went to go see Lily. It was funny. I really like her answer to his question the most.
Wow. Featured on AudioFictions and Mugglecast, yet so few reviews.
I thought this was an excellent fic. Some might find the whole "my heart" thing too much of a cliche, but I think it fit well. Fit the characters well. The foreshadowy chill Sirius got when the wizard said, "You are now bonded for life" was brilliant. Great job!
That was really sweet! I loved Sirius' sense of humour, and, of course he wouldn't have written a speech in advance. But I especially loved the ending, because just as everything seemed perfect, the reminder of what will happen, especially between the Marauders (particularly since Lily is a Marauder by marriage- I loved that part) was very poignant and sad.
Author's Response: Thank you for you review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Sirius is my favourite character and most of the time, the one I write. Thanks again. Terri
Oooh, very good! I love how happy Sirius was for his best friend. I loved it, great job!
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I am glad you enjoyed it. Terri
THat was a lovley story one of the best one's i've read latley. I love sirius in this sotry he is exactly how he is supposed to be. You did a wonderful job.
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I love writing Sirius and lately, he is all I can seem to write. I have more stories involving him coming. The Unknown Heir of which the prologue is up, indirectly involves him. He is in the prologue. The prequel to The Unknown Heir is entitled Love Beyond Forever and the first chapter will be posted soon. I am glad you enjoyed this one-shot and hope you will read the other stories I have with Sirius in them. Thanks again. Terri
Terri, sweetie, this is such a nice story. I really liked how you incorporated the happiness and love, but also the sadness with the oncoming war. The story was fluent to read, and I could picture each scene as clearly in my head as if I’d watched the story as a movie.
Also, I enjoyed the slow but nonetheless funny build-up you did.
“Do you think he’s dead?”
“Well, if he is, it’s your fault. You’re the one who knocked him off the couch.”
“Hey, the rule is whoever can get and keep the couch gets to sleep on it. He passed out and I was still awake, so I pushed him off and took the couch for myself. I didn’t force him to drink so much Firewhisky with James.”
*giggles* Nice beginning, really. And in these few sentences you’ve started not only started a wonderful story, but also shown some specialities of the Marauders. I especially like the love between the four boys that you’ve written between the lines. Exceptional job.
And then comes Sirius’ first trial – explaining to James that really Lily loved him. It’s really difficult to talk sense into stupid people who have lost confidence, but you managed to write Sirius fantastically through it.
What amazed me was that you’ve written both Lily and James having sat in exactly the same position on their beds, worrying that the other wouldn’t love them. And that Sirius had his second trial with convincing Lily as he had to convince James – only that it was different this time due to Lily being a girl and crying.
I loved Sirius’ solution of how to get her to say that she loved James.
“Lily, can I ask you a question?”
“Of course you can. I might even have an answer for you,” Lily said, smiling slightly.
“Do you want to ditch this place and run away with me? I can make you happier than that fool of a Potter.” Sirius tried to keep his voice very serious.
Lily didn’t answer at first. In fact, to Sirius, she seemed to be considering it. Then raising herself up, she kissed him on the cheek.
“Sirius, I love James and I am marrying him today. You will just have to get over me and find a nice girl of your own.” Lily chuckled as she finished speaking.
Hahahahahahahahaha! ROTFLMAO That’s great! You took a serious situation, made it fantastic with your writing style and added humour to top it all. Wow, just awesome. I really like this part, it’s probably my favourite of the entire story.
“Lily, what makes him so special? What does he have that I don’t?” Sirius asked. He had asked her to run away with him as a joke, but he realised he really wanted to know what James had that made Lily fall in love with him.
Lily looked Sirius in the eye before saying simply, “My heart.”
Aww, that’s so sweet. It’s such a proof of Lily’s love to James, and ultimately a nice thing to write. *claps applause*
I then noticed some minor punctuation issues:
“Let him be. We still have a couple of hours,” Remus answered. “Let’s go have some breakfast.”
[…] a slight headache after last night’s drinking.
“No, I was awake listening to the two of you. Nice to know you would be so upset if I was dead,” Sirius said grumpily.
Lily, it’s okay.
What bugged me a bit more though was this part:
He knew in a few minutes he would be expected to make some sort of speech. He, of course, hadn’t given it more than a passing thought before now.
As the plates from dinner were being cleared, Sirius stood. He tapped lightly on the side of his glass to get everyone’s attention.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he began, “being true to form, I didn’t write a speech. It seemed too much like homework, and I rarely did that on time, so why change?” Sirius waited for the laughter to die down before continuing.
It’s a bit abrupt in my opinion. I’d thought about not having prepared a speech that Sirius would be more nervous, maybe slightly panicked. I imagined a kind of “Oh-my-God-in-a-few-minutes-I-have-to-give-a-speech-and-I’m-not-prepared!”-reaction. But the way you wrote it makes it like, don’t know, seem unrealistic. It’s hard to explain, but it’s lacking some deeper atmosphere.
Also, in the third of the above mentioned paragraphs, Sirius just begins talking. I’m missing some description here as to how he felt: nervous, excited, panicked because he has no idea whatsoever what to say. It might be me being slightly delirious, but that’s how I feel at this point of the one-shot. And I hope my babble made sense…
The speech itself is good. It’s nice and sounds like something one would say at a wedding. Also, the idea with the bet was fabulous. Liked it a lot. And I loved the sentence where Sirius says that Lily is now a Marauder by marriage. LOL Nice idea.
And the actual ending…
He also made a secret wish. A wish he would never tell anyone. As the first star came out in the sky, Sirius looked at it and made his wish.
“I wish for all of us to always be this happy.”
Aww… *snief* *sob* *cry* This is the sadness I spoke about at the beginning. It’s so sad and tears my heart apart reading stories where the oncoming events are incorporated somehow – in your case with the wish. Everyone who knows the books knows what will happen, and it makes me really want to cry all day long about the Marauders being ripped apart from within.
All in all it was a wonderful one-shot, and I enjoyed reading it. *hugs*
Author's Response: Bine, I LOVE getting a review from you. I will fix those nasty punctuation errors. As far as the emotion with the speech, I once again fell under the "I know what is going on in my mind" syndrome. I really am trying to avoid that. LOL I will fix it. You said in the beginning of your review it was like watching the story as a movie in your head. That is exactly how I write. No plan, I just write the movie playing in my head. Hence, my occasional slip into the syndrome of knowing what is going on and forgetting to tell the readers. Thank you so much for your review. As I said, I am so happy to get a review from you. I know it will be a detailed review. Thanks again. Terri
oh i just luved it especially i luved sirius he was so much in character n i luved da ending n i also luved sirius's speech
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I have discovered a love for writing the Marauders and Sirius in particular. I am working on a story about Sirius. Thanks again. Terri
Ooh, just from the summary I knew I was going to like this story.
I think in the beginning, you use the word 'pushed' a bit too many times. You could've used some synonyms, like 'shoved' and whatnot.
Sirius's conversations with Lily and James and his speech were all very good; it seemed very in-character. And I love his sense of humor- it was funny, but not obnoxious.
The ending was so sweet! I think it was my favorite part. You did a great job on this fic, dear ^_^
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review. I have recently discovered the joys of writing the Marauders but especially Sirius. I will reread over the beginning and see what I can do. I try to not reuse words, but some stories write themselves so fast it's hard to catch everything. Thanks again. Terri