Heyy, Bella. I like this poem a lot. It was all going great, flowing along real smoothly until the last line/stanza. I stopped, and I was like "Oh." At first I thought that you could simply take out that line, but then I realized it would be weird. It's especially weird since it's in it's own stanza, y'know? The last stanza seems long enough already, since you have couplets and then throw in a quatrain, but I'm not sure how you can change it. I love the meaning and everything. The rest of the poem reads great, but I'm not sure what to do . . . oh well. You rock Bellalalalalala.
I've always loved Dobby as a character. This poem is really well written. Being someone who likes to write and read poetry I know how hard it is to write a good rhyming poem. You did an awesome job. Very vivid imagery also:( Great Job!!!
This is my first time reviewing a poem, haha. First of all, I really liked your choice of subject. Few people write about Dobby’s death, and still fewer probably choose to approach it as a poem! The uniqueness of the subject alone makes your poem well worth reading. I also liked that you managed to condense what seemed like so much activity into just a few lines of poetry – it definitely takes a lot of thinking and planning, and it was clear when I read it that you had taken a lot of time to make sure it flowed well. You chose a single moment and depicted that alone, which was something I think is valuable even in prose writing, not just poetry.
I also liked the way you referred to Bellatrix as simply “her,” rather than by her name. The fact that the only two names mentioned in your poem are Dobby and Harry Potter restrict the emotional range of the poem to those two people alone. I would’ve really liked to see a little bit more expansion on Harry’s part, though – “And I still live / whilst Dobby died” implies that there’s a little bit of guilt that Harry’s feeling because of Dobby’s death, and I would’ve really liked to see that expanded on more.
As for rhyme, rhythm, and all those other things unique to poetry, I liked the way you set off “Whilst Dobby died” at the very end as a line all by itself. It was clearly the most important part of the poem, and it was final in a way that reflected death itself. I also actually liked the way the last two lines didn’t rhyme! It underscored them more, I thought. In any case, awesome job – it was great to read your poem, and I’d love to read some more of your poetry.
I first thought this was from Dobby's P.O.V... And I thought "How come Harry has yellow eyes?" *is stupid*
But once I got over my confusion, I loved this. As usual. The ending is especially powerful.
One thing I love about all your poems is that they all manage to be sad, moving, powerful and at the same time rhyme. I don't consider something a poem if it doesn't rhyme, so that is a HUGE positive factor to your poems.
Again, your language and word use are impeccable.
Please write more poems. Please.
This is amazing! Really wonderful. I like your rhythm and rhyming. You've created a wonderful suspense and atmosphere.
Love it. Short, concise but with imagery... very good work. Excellent. Keep the ryhmes coming. You're a fantastic poet.
Author's Response: Oh, thanks so much. Your leaving good reviews of my poetry always makes my day.
*sniffles* Poor Dobby. I love your poem, it's short but emotional. I just have a few nitpicks:
A manic laugh pierces the night,
Her last attempt to halt our flight.I think there should be a semi colon instead of a comma here.
A silver flash cuts empty space;
Yet comes to rest in a fatal place.Here is should be the other way round. It just doesn't make sense if you use a semi colon here instead of a comma.
Those yellow eyes meet my own green
And as they gain a misty sheen,I think there should be a full stop after 'green'. Otherwise the sentence goes on for too long. And the full stop will break up the stanza nicely.
And the ending doesn't rhyme - as I'm sure you're aware. But I can't really think of a good way to change it without ruining the emotion. So I think you're safe to leave it just this once. :)
Again, lovely poem. I can't wait to read more of yours!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the suggestions. I'm going to edit the story now.
It sounds really good. I like how you got everything to rhyme, except for the last two lines which makes them seem out of place.
Author's Response: Yes, I can see that the last two lines might not fit, but I couldn't see any other way to put them. Thanks for the review!