That was one of the most powerful fan-fic poems I've ever read. Normally I find empathising with Sirius tricky to say the least, being a passionate SevGirl, but this was too good to not like. The use of language and the flow was impeccable, it really did retell a story I thought I knew in a new light. The short lines are highly reminiscent of the way that thoughts, especially panicked, shocked thoughts can be. My only suggestion would be to add "Sirius Black" to the end in the same way that you put all the other "black" phrases in the poem. It didn't really feel complete to be until I read his name in your A/N, which suggests to me that that should be in the poem. However, if you disagree feel free to ignore this. Good work and good luck with your future writing.
Author's Response: thanks so much for the review! I'm glad I could open your eyes to the world of sirius black. thanks for the suggestion and i'll consider it. ~Burning Star
I really like this poem. (Ah, Sirius. *grins* My first fic was about him too. Good times.) I think he's a brilliant character - his flaws are especially fascinating. Anyway, about your poem. Right. =)
I like the flow of this. It seems...right. Perfect for the situation at hand. Sirius wasn't in his right mind, and the flow of this poem is a bit disjointed - well, not the flow really. It all sounds and flows well. But the thoughts are disconnected, which is what matters, I think, when you write a poem - that you get into the character's head, and you did, and it was disjointed, but it was true to what Sirius was feeling, so it was beautiful. If that makes any kind of sense at all. What do I know, anyway? =p
Into the morning
Into the mourning
I adore that part. *grins* I've always loved the irony that 'morning' and 'mourning' sound alike, when morning usually signifies new beginnings and light, and mourning...doesn't. I think those two lines were very clever. =)
The ending was amazing. I loved it. So simple, but really creepy, because you get a sense that's Sirius is not in his right mind anymore and just can't stand it, so he laughs. *shiver* You portrayed this really well. You didn't delve too deep and describe too much - you kept it simple, described everything as black and dark and left it at that, and that's what made this poem really powerful, I think. You didn't try to cram too much into it.
The only thing that bothered me was the lack of punctuation, but I'm a grammar nazi, this is a free verse poem, and it was your choice, so it doesn't really matter, now does it?
Anyway. My favorite part of this poem was the way you expressed big ideas in simple ways, showing how Sirius was really thinking. This was all very well done and well written, and I look forward to more poetry of yours. =)
Author's Response: Hey, thanks so much for the review! I think you're right about the punctuation, originally i had it in there and right before it got validated i took it our... so now it's back. Like you said, i adore writing sirius. there's so much to say about him, and you get to interpret so much! So thanks again for my first review! ~Burning Star