Oh my gosh that was so amazing and true!!!! Sad but true! This was amazing!
Awww! What a sweet story. Other than some grammatical errors and some Southern phrases (a.k.a. "fixing to"), I thought the story stayed pretty true to the characters of Hermione and Ron. I love the ending, especially! :)
Sweet. I like the kiss. I disagree with some of the comments of "Azhure" below. I personally feel that the use of 'gladness' works much better with 'numbness' and 'disbelief' than the wordier version suggested. Also, at the end of the suggestions by that reviewer, he/she has put a sentence that makes no sense whatsoever: "I didn't have enough strength to of think one". I think what was meant was "I didn't have enough strength to think of one", but the original was just fine. I'd leave it be. Keep writing! cj
Very nice! I just have a few nitpicks:The first paragraph seems to be a bit repetitive. You say 'he' a lot, and to me that interrupts the flow.
"Don't cry, Hermione, it'll be all right,"
There needs to be a comma before Hermione, and 'alright' isn't really a word. You should use 'all right'.
We knew how they felt; we felt it, too.
Instead of a comma after 'felt' you should have semicolon.
Numbness sets in at first. Disbelief that so many were gone, then gladness that they didn't die in vain and that they lost their lives to save the world.
This part is a bit strange to me. At first, it seems like you are going to list them, but you only do it that way for 'numbness', and then you explain something else. I also don't like the word 'gladness', but that's just me. I recommend saying:
Numbness sets in at first. Disbelief follows, the pain of so many lost. Then you feel happiness that they didn't die in vain and that they lost their lives to save the world.
Then the hunt for your loved ones that had survived begins.
You have a bit of tense confusion here. It should be 'begins', not 'began'. I fixed it up here.
I would make sure they were remembered as heroes as well - they deserved the honor.
Instead of the comma after 'well', you should use a dash. I fixed it up above.
He seemed to understand.
You need a full stop, not a comma here.
"Do you want me to leave?" he asked, sounding hurt, like I had slapped him.
You need a comma after 'asked'.
I didn't have enough strength to of think one.
I added 'of' after 'to'.
It was so right; the way he felt to me.
You need a semicolon, not a comma here.
Overall, a really emotional story. You highlight their relationship perfectly, and I felt myself almost crying after I had read this. Nice work!
~~Azhure~~
