MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Theloonyhermione (Signed) · Date: 07/06/12 18:55 · For: Chapter 1
Beautiful! Great job!

Name: BluebellFlamez (Signed) · Date: 05/17/11 7:48 · For: Chapter 1
Aww, that is so touching! I love Lily in this story, she's so curious and brilliant! The ending nearly made me cry (I never cry *giggle*). It was so sweet! Go Fred!!

Name: wishiwasaweasley (Signed) · Date: 04/25/10 20:06 · For: Chapter 1
very good i almost cried

Name: ngayonatkailanman (Signed) · Date: 09/13/09 2:48 · For: Chapter 1
Absolutely marvelous. Well written. Very good storyline. Touching and sweet.

Name: Nunuz (Signed) · Date: 10/09/08 5:20 · For: Chapter 1

Author's Response: :D So glad you liked it!

Name: Maga Fan (Signed) · Date: 10/03/08 15:59 · For: Chapter 1
Hi! I really liked this fan fic! I have a question. I was wondering, do you think you can write a story about Albus Potter? Just wondering, because you did really good!

Author's Response: I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I might write a story centered around Albus Potter if I become inspired enough to come up with a decent plot for him, but right now I had some ideas for a few other stories about other members of the Weasley Clan- a Bill and Fleur fic, and perhaps a next generation fic more centered around Rose, which Albus would probably play a major role in but I don't think he would be the main character. At any rate, Real Life is extremely hectic at the moment, so any of my ideas are kind of on hold until things settle down a bit and I can actually find the time to write. Hopefully that will happen sooner rather than later. It’s really flattering of you to ask me to write something specific, though, and I can’t tell you how much it means to me, so thank you so much!

Name: bettab911 (Signed) · Date: 09/29/08 13:22 · For: Chapter 1
Just... marvellous. I don't know how you did it, but, especially at the ending, I was enthralled!

Author's Response: I can't even tell you how much it means to me to see these reviews- it's amazing to see that not only are people reading this, but they actually think it's good :) I'm so glad you liked it!

Name: Bee AKA Ted (Signed) · Date: 08/21/08 6:44 · For: Chapter 1
how cool was this!
loved it

Author's Response: So glad you liked it!

Name: K_Bella (Signed) · Date: 08/20/08 23:09 · For: Chapter 1
wow...this is amazing!
it made me cry (but in a good way) very powerful and well written!!!

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm so happy to hear that people really enjoyed it. As for it making you cry- I take that as a huge compliment (I guess I'm warped or something...)

Name: lunafredtonks123 (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 23:39 · For: Chapter 1
that was really cute and sad...i would have thought harry and ginny would have told the kids this when they were young but i guess not...anyhow that was really well written

Author's Response: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!

Name: weasleywannabe47 (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 16:08 · For: Chapter 1
Great story!Lily is how imagined her to be!
The beetles in the soup....I can only imagine how much Fred would have loved to have a tribute like that!

Author's Response: Haha you liked the beetles in the soup too? I think that that was one of the only small things I slipped in which was there in the first draft and which has stayed there the whole way through. Thanks so much for the review!

Name: Pussycat123 (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 15:36 · For: Chapter 1
That was beautiful. I can sometimes think of the deaths in book seven as just plots in a book, but other times I'm reminded all over again how terrible they are; and you just did that for me. There were tears. Beautiful. =)

Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it! And hearing that there were tears actually makes me happy (I'm terribly sorry, but they do) because it means that I actually managed to convey what I was working so hard to convey in this story. Thanks for the review! It really makes my day to see so many people reviewing.

Name: kehribar (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 13:51 · For: Chapter 1

I was intimidated by the idea of one of the Potter children discovering about people from their parents' past, but admittedly I had not expected it to be Fred. It is interesting, actually.

While I think that you have a rather lovely story in hand, I feel that dialogue and description could be handled better. At the beginning, while the amount of description is fine, it does get a bit too wordy. Throughout the entire story, I felt that there is too much information cluttered in there that it weighs down on the reader. That is why I would suggest distributing dialogue and description one into another. That would make the narration flow better and easier to read.

I have to admit, though, I found it rather strange that Harry and Ginny never told their children about their Uncle Fred, let alone the Battle of Hogwarts. I would assume that the many family gatherings at the Burrow added to Lily's love of these gatherings would inevitably ensure that the Potter children did know their Uncle Fred. I also believe that the Potter and the Weasley children would grow up at least having a general idea about the war that had surrounded their parents. Bill's scarred face, George's missing ear, Teddy's orphanhood would provoke questions, and I don't think that the Potters or the Weasleys would overlook the children's righteous curiosity. Therefore I couldn't really make myself believe that Harry and Ginny put off telling their kids the story for so long.

As for the dialogue itself, again I found it too wordy, too confusing. Personally I paid extra attention to make sense of what Harry's talking about, so I doubt that an eight-year-old, no matter how smart, would grasp it so quickly. The tone of Harry's speech is too heavy. When children are a party in a dialogue, I suggest the use of simpler words and simpler sentence structures. Especially when trying to explain such a serious matter, I'd expect a father to be much more careful in his word choice.

The paragraph beginning with “I know I should have told you the truth, there is so much about your history that you don’t know, and you have the right to know.... is, I think, way too confusing to read, let alone for an eight-year-old to listen to. Firstly, as I've said before, this is too wordy, and it sounds like Harry's babbling. Plus, I think the children's names pretty much speak for themselves; from which fame was Harry hoping to protect them? One thing I found strange is that the entire matter seems single out Lily. Were the other Potter (and Weasley) children confined the story?

Lily was unsure if he was about to start crying, or yell at her. He did neither, though when he spoke his voice did shake.

"Wh-where did you find this?" he asked.

I highly doubt that this is a behavior one would expect from the Harry Potter we know. In the books, even when the death of his own parents is the issue, we see him doing his best to strong. When he witnessed the murder of his parents thanks to the Dementors, he was shaken but did not cry -and he was only thirteen. He watched Cedric being murdered, and he did not cry. He did cry at Sirius's death, and it would be way too awkward if he did not, and he once again showed his strength over Dumbledore's death. Keeping all of this in mind, I do not think that the same Harry Potter would be so shaken and show such reaction when her daughter brings up the issue of Fred's death years later. If it were Ginny, that would be different, of course.

Looking back, I am rather embarrassed to see that I have been entirely too critical. However, that is only because I, as a reader, think that you have a rather huge potential as a writer and that you seem to be eager to improve your writing. Criticism is given not for discouragement, but for encouragement. Hopefully I haven't been to annoying and was actually helpful.

Author's Response: Hey! First of all, I welcome any and all reviews, including critical ones. There is no need to feel embarrassed about leaving a critical review- a detailed one like yours shows me that you really cared enough to take the time and give me tips, and I'm happy to hear how readers think I can improve in the future, so thank you thank you thank you!!! You basically touched on all the weak points anybody might have mentioned to me about this chapter (from moderators to Beta readers to friends who gave me their opinions) and I attempted to fix most of them in ways which I guess I didn't do well enough, since you noticed them. ;) I don't know if this is a good thing, as it means that I was aware of pretty much all of the problems that you as a reader might have come up with, or a bad thing as I didn't do a good enough job fixing them. I hope to fix these problems in future projects I have in mind to write, and again I welcome your criticism- it helps me know what I have to focus on! I agree that the dialogue can seem like too much of a lecture or a speech on Harry's part (which is what I think you were getting at here). I also understand how it would be better to sprinkle dialogue and description in together so that it achieves a better flow, and I will try and improve in that area in the future. I think that part of the reason for this problem was that he had so much to tell Lily, and she had very little to respond with. What you said about the dialogue being too confusing also made sense, though I didn't think it was such a big problem while I was editing it, and nobody else really pointed it out to me either. The wording for this kind of thing was extremely difficult from the beginning, but I should have perhaps made it more suitable to something that would be told to an eight-year-old. Looking back now, I see that you do have a point, and in the future I will pay extra attention to which characters are participating in the discussion. The fact that Harry and Ginny didn't tell their children about the war was perhaps the biggest problem I had from the beginning, which was crucial to the central plot (otherwise there wouldn't have been a story) but which I kept having to play with, finding a plausible reason for them not to have told their children everything. I finally came up with what I incorporated into the story: as parents, Harry and Ginny didn't want to cause their children pain. The paragraph beginning “I know I should have told you the truth, there is so much about your history that you don’t know, and you have the right to know...” was intended to be more of a babble that we understood than what Lily understood. Harry was thinking aloud here, and Lily understood and gave him space to organize himself knowing that she would receive answers shortly. As explained in this paragraph, Harry and Ginny didn't hide anything- they just never mentioned anything either, hoping that perhaps their kids wouldn't ask difficult questions until they could figure out how exactly to tell them, or maybe in the hopes that they would just find out on their own. That they managed to put off Lily asking direct questions for eight years was probably luck mixed in with edited versions of the real story (e.g. when asked about George’s ear or Bill’s scars- “They were in an accident before you were born.”) With regard to your mention of the fame- that would have really been more of a side-issue Harry is using as an excuse for himself, but he would have been more worried that if Lily would have fully comprehended the enormity of what her parents did, she might become more stuck up about it at a younger age, and that is what he tells himself he’s shielding her from. He always knew he had to tell her eventually- he just put it off for too long. “Lily was unsure if he was about to start crying, or yell at her. He did neither, though when he spoke his voice did shake. "Wh-where did you find this?" he asked.” You’re right; Harry is not the crying type. I thought he was more scared and shocked with the enormity of the fact that he has to finally tell Lily the truth, and he’s embarrassed of the fact that she actually had to COME to him and ASK him about the war. Lily, who never sees her father lose control like this, got frightened and isn’t sure what he’s about to do. Clearly, it didn’t come through this way; I will have to be extra careful on how I word things from now on. Again, thank you for such a detailed review! I think I touched on everything you mentioned above, but if something is still not clear, or if I missed something, feel free to ask me! It was my intention to answer you satisfactorily. If I didn't, please please let me know, as I really want to! I am currently in the middle of another One-Shot which is giving me some trouble. If and when I finally manage to finish it, I welcome you to come read it and criticize me some more :)

Name: Equinox Chick (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 10:56 · For: Chapter 1
This is a really lovely story. You've really drawn the character of Lily beautifully and it's a lovely tribute to Fred. I always feel so much for George as the twin that survived but here Fred is living again, through George's tricks

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so glad to hear that people really feel this way about Fred and George, because I worked really hard for that to come through in the story. Thanks again for the review- it means so much to see a review and realize that people are actually reading this and giving their opinions.

Name: ink_daughter (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 10:24 · For: Chapter 1
This was a beautiful tribute to Fred!

Author's Response: Thanks! So glad you liked it!

Name: inspirations (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 10:00 · For: Chapter 1
That was really good - especially for a first story. I think it's got a nice amount of emotion incorporated, and I think the bit about Harry forgiving Dumbledore was great!

I'm gonna be a bit nit-picky now. Sorry! If Lily is eight years old and both her brothers are in Hogwarts, that's not right, as in the epilogue of DH, it said she wouldn't be going for another 2 years, and Albus was leaving for the first time, which would make Lily 9 in the epilogue. Did that make sense? I might've missed something, but it seemed to me that you sent Al to school as well as James.

Fabulous story, though. It's not often you find a tribute story. :)

Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it! I don't mind you being nit-picky; in fact, I like it! I didn't mention anywhere that Albus was in Hogwarts yet, he's just not around when Lily talks to Harry. When writing this my intention was that James is in his first year here, but I didn't say that either, so you can take it to mean whatever you want! Thanks again for the review!

Name: PadfootnPeeves (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 9:15 · For: Chapter 1
Aw! Very emotional and well-written. Harry was in-character, and I like your view of Lily. A great tribute to Fred- I haven't quite gotten over his death yet! This story if defienetly going into my favorites ^_^

Author's Response: Thanks so much! It's so exciting to hear that people actually like it, espeacially since it's my first story. And I haven't gotten over Fred's death yet either! (Part of me is still in denial, actually...) Thanks again for the review!

Name: phoenix_fille (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 9:06 · For: Chapter 1
Good, but sad. You might have added something about George missing an ear, and Fred having an ear. But a very sweet story. good job.

Author's Response: Thanks! Glad you liked it!

Name: potterfan48 (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 8:56 · For: Chapter 1
Sweet little one shot. I noticed Harry still didn't tell his daughter that he was the one that vanquished Voldemort.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! You're right; Harry did not tell Lily that he was the one who vanquished Voldemort. I see Harry's character as one who still, even years later, doesn't want to take full responsibility for defeating Voldemort. Additionally, he has more important messages that he wants to convey to Lily during his first discussion with her on the subject.

Name: helz_belz (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 6:35 · For: Chapter 1
What a wonderful fic! It would be so hard to tell a child about the death of a loved one in the past- something that would be so difficult to do. I like the way you wrote Harry telling Lily about it. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks for the review- it really made my day!

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