Hullo, Bella. –waves-
So, I decided to review your second chapter, because the first chapter has twenty-seven reviews and this one only has nine—a little underappreciated, don’t you think? ;)
Hmm . . . So, I don’t normally read Harry/Ginny, nothing against the pairing, I’m just not fond of them in fanfiction, so this is a little different for me. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever read any AU stories except for, like, Dramione, and they don’t really count, in my opinion, because it’s just the pairing. Um, right. I’ll stop babbling now. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that despite my lack of familiarity with these two genres, I still found the story interesting. It was different enough to really peak my interest and to make me want to know what would happen.
I felt something was a little off in this chapter, and I think its George. You’ve got his humor down, but I don’t think he’d be laughing or making jokes this much. Maybe a little, but I feel like he wouldn’t be laughing at/with his little sister if she’d been missing for almost three years. George may have been laidback and fun, but I think he’s serious about his family, especially since he lost his brother in the war. In my mind, he wouldn’t be laughing and grinning and making sarcastic comments. –shrugs- Maybe you could make him a little more serious and a little more angry.
She really didn’t answer George’s questions at all, did she? I guess we’ll just have to wait to find out the reason she just disappeared. –sigh- I was so looking forward to the answer, too—it’d have to be a good one, considering Ginny’s character and all. She’s not exactly the type I expect to just pack up and vanish, but I suppose given the correct circumstances . . . I guess I’ll just have to keep reading, yeah?
I’m also curious as to why she lied about the father of Lily’s child. I mean, on one hand it makes sense, like she’s trying to move on, and sometimes the easiest way to do that is ignore the past, but on the other hand, it’d be hard to try and forget it all if your child has bright green eyes. Particularly if they’re almond-shaped.
Aww, it’s really sweet and sort of romantic that Ginny wants to talk about everything to Harry first. It shows that she still cares—a lot. And, it adds a lot more mystery to why she left. If she loved—loves—him so much, then why did she run away? Leaving the wizarding world would be tough, as you showed in your pervious chapter, with the typewriter/computer thing and the elevators.
-sigh- If I was Harry, and I’d just found my long-lost true love (and possibly our baby), I don’t think I could wait around and send someone else to talk to them. I would drop everything and run that instant. Although, one could argue that Harry was being thoughtful, and figured she rather talk to a family member than him. But still. I’d prefer to make my long-lost love uncomfortable for a little while and have the joy of being the one to find them, then sit around twiddling my thumbs while wondering how the meeting is going. I guess that’s why Harry is Harry though, and I’m me.
I wondered about your choice of George as being the one to go talk to her, especially when Harry was revealed as the one to find her . . . I mean, why not Ron? I always felt that they were pretty close. And Ron is Harry’s best friend. But, I sort of see the wisdom in that. If it was Ron, there would be lots of yelling. A plethora of yelling. Screaming. Tears. Yeah, it’d be emotional and bad. –shakes head- He’s a little too protective of her.
You know what I would have liked to see a little more of? Actually, there are two things, but they sort of go hand-in-hand, in my opinion. One, description. Maybe describe how George and Ginny have changed in the past few years? Give some details about how Ginny’s flat looks? And two, emotion. Or rather, describe their emotions. Don’t just say “Ginny was mad.” But, rather, add some lines about the way she was feeling. Instead of telling me Ginny had a shocked look on her face, why not say something about she felt like someone had knocked her out with a Beater’s bat? You briefly grazed emotions in about the middle of the story, here:
She felt vulnerable without her wand now that she was finally around another member of the Wizarding world, even if that someone was her brother. [...]The truth was what she had been running from and now that she was being forced to face it, she wasn’t sure she could handle it.
And that was really good, possibly my favourite part of the chapter, but you need more. To me, it feels almost like you’ve written a script for a movie or a play. I know what the characters say, and how they’ve moved, but I don’t know what they look like or what their feeling, things you can see in a movie or a play, but in a story you rely on the author to show it to you. Movies and plays are all well and good, but stories have the ability to actually transport the reader far away, into a life that’s not their own, if they imagine and see everything in their head. It’s hard, I know, but it gets easier with practice. I promise.
Happy Easter, Bella!
How much longer!? It's so good, I want more!
This is really good. I just have a few nitpicks to make, but nothing serious!
1. You tend to fall into the 'Soap Opera' trap of using peple's names too much. We know they're George and Ginny, and they know it -- they don't have to call each other by name everytime the say something to each other.
2. Make sure to hit 'Enter' twice between paragraphs.
3. When you do use direct addresses in speech, make sure to put a comma before the name.
Otherwise, great start! Keep writing!
ugh. i hare cliffhangers. the next chapter better be out soon!!! this is really good by the way.
Author's Response: haha sorry!!!!! Well, real life has kind of killed me lately, but I'm trying!!! and thanks!!! =)
That was awesome please hurry with the next chapter PLEASE!!!
Author's Response: thank you!!! RL has been attacking me lately, but I have a spring recess coming up, so I hope to get a lot done! Check out my other story in the meantime! :D
AHHHHHHH! i am SOOO glad that you finally updated, i was beginning to think that you were not going to. Anyway...that was great, but very short...do u have this story on any other sight? I NEED MORE!
Author's Response: haha thank you! I don't have this on any other site, but I'm working on it. I'll keep you all posted :)
oh oh oh...!! please hurry and put the next chapter on im really into this story. :) is it going to come on soon?
Author's Response: Oh thank you!!!!!!! Yes, the next chapter is in the queue, so hopefully it'll be accepted soon! :)
i think some parts of this conversation were rushed but i'm really interested to see what happens. good job :)
Author's Response: Hm. Well thanks! I appreciate all comments..criticisms help me grow! :) Third chapter is in the queue, so keep checking back! --Bella
Omgosh!! I love it Please upload more i can't take the suspence!! Lol
Author's Response: thanks!!!! The third chapter is in the queue! Keep checking back! :D --Bella
Yay! Finally, I've been waiting for an update!
It was extremely good, with a nice cliffie at the end!
Author's Response: I'm so glad I have people who keep checking back!!!!! :D Yeah I hate cliffhangers but I HAD to. That's just too great of an ending to change haha. Thanks for reading!!! :D --Bella
Wow, it's been a while since Chapter 1. I'm glad you decided not to abandon the story. Anway hope Ginny talks to Harry soon. I can't wait to find out why should would leave like that.
Author's Response: Yeah it has been awhile. I got busy at Uni, and then the queue got closed and then my chapter got deleted for some reason that no one told me, and it was just a barrage of bad luck. But yeah more will come in the third chapter! :D --Bella
oooooooh.... cliffy can't wait for more plz update soon it has been a really good story soo far and i really want to know whyy ginny ran away! wat did her family think happened to her? did they know she had ran away? can u tell me? or is it going to be in the story soon?
Author's Response: Haha thank you! It will all be revealed in the story soon! Keep checking back! :D --Bella
i just wanted to let you know that i have not forgot about this story and i will keep checking back to see when it is updated...i have two of my own stories in the queue and it is taking FOREVER!
Author's Response: Oh thank you! Yeah I think they may have closed the queue for the holidays? Also, I did submit the second chapter and it got deleted without a letter of rejection, so we'll see what happens! I do have another new story up though, so take a look at that one!!! :-D --Bella
I like this. Update soon, please. (Oh, and I hope this is a happy story, in the end)
Author's Response: Thanks! My beta is reading the second chapter, so hopefully I'll be able to submit the chapter soon!!! I think it will be a happy story...in the end...I have no desire to ruin Harry/Ginny, mostly because I love them so much!! So unless I suffer a terrible heart break in the next few months, I'm sure it'll end up happy! :-D
when are you going to update!? I love this story and can't wait to read more it just seems like no ones updateing and i'm getting bored. Please Update!
Author's Response: Sorry! I sent my second chapter off to my beta, and she's in the process of reading it. Unfortunately we're both incredibly busy outside of this wonderful world, but we're doing the best we can to get things submitted in a timely fashion. I know how frustrating it is when a story you want to read isn't updated, believe me. Keep checking back!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D
please please continue with this fic! it's an amazing storyline that deserves to be continued! please ;D
Author's Response: thank you! Well because the queue finally reopened, I sent my second chapter over to my beta, and hopefully i'll be submitting it soon!!! Keep checking back! :-D
please please continue with this fic! it's an amazing storyline that deserves to be continued! please ;D
please update soon!!! it's really good so far.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! My amazing beta is reading over my next chapter and hopefully i'll be able to submit it soon!!! Keep reading!!!! :-D
PLEASE update this!!!
i have been waiting FOREVER!!!
this is a really unique idea for a story and i REALY want to read more!
Author's Response: haha thanks! I've been rewriting the next chapters, getting it ready for when the queue reopens. I haven't forgotten about this story, just been really busy at school! more to come soon, i promise!!!!!!
This is really good so far..i cant wait till the que reopens i am waiting on the next chaps for a lot of stories...and my first story needs to be sent in
Author's Response: thanks! Yeah i'm waiting anxiously for the queue to reopen!!!