MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
09/30/08 15:45 · For:
My second Sirius story for the day. Hello, Tiffany dearling. Featured Author! *hug*
I was intrigued by the summary, was lured in by the first paragraph, and held captive by the suspenseful atmosphere you weaved.
I kept wondering where he was, what was happening, and why. Bit by bit, you answered these questions. Subtly, too, before Sirius concluded being in the Second World War.
Although expository, the vivid imagery-- vivid without adjectives; good job-- made up for the absence of dialogue. It kept me reading. I saw the street, the crowd, the soldiers, and Sirius with his begrimed face, trying to blend in and accomplish something at the same time.
In my understanding of Time Turning, you only move in time, not place. So by the ending, I was convinced Sirius witnessed the London Blitz perhaps. I had to scroll up again and saw that no, he was in Germany. It triggered questions...
I'm afraid I was a little disappointed toward the ending. More at myself, though, because I feel like there's something obvious that I didn't grasp. What was the locket doing in some street in Germany, beside a rubbish bin? And why did Dumbledore's Time Turner have pesky, detachable appendages? Well, never mind that one. But this: who was that boy Sirius killed? Was that his mission? Only then can Dumbledore be so blase about it. Pray tell, Tiffany. I'm dying here. ^_^
(Signed) · Date:
09/06/08 0:35 · For:
That was a very interesting premise for a story! When I started reading, I really had no idea that it was going to involve the Horcrux (and let me tell you – it took me a while before I realized that Sirius was looking for the locket). Obviously, I should have been able to notice this from your summary, but I had thought that Sirius was going back in time to find an actual founder. Apparently not…I did really shake my head when I realized my error.
I really liked the originality of this story. We all know that Dumbledore has probably enlisted many people other than Harry to do his bidding and I thought that Sirius was probably an excellent choice. Why not send him to fetch a Horcrux (though it would be impossible to tell him about what it was, of course)? That seemed like a very Dumbledore-esque thing to do.
I’ll admit that I was extremely surprised when Sirius tried to join the Nazi Army, assuming that it was what Dumbledore had wanted him to do. I immediately thought that there might have been a reference to Grindlewald at that point (as the battle took place roughly at the time of World War II), but I was very relieved when Sirius appeared to come to his senses. However, I would have been extremely interested, had Sirius been correct, to see how you would have explained Dumbledore’s wish that Sirius help the Germans to win the battle. That would have been very interesting.
One thing that really struck me while I was reading was that the story felt a little bit rushed. Everything happened fairly suddenly with very little time to transition (he’s in the battle, he escapes, he finds the locket, he tries to leave, he changes, he finds the missing piece, etc.). During the rather turbulent battle scenes, I actually rather liked this. Everything would have been rather sudden in a battle, as the situation would be so stressful.
The one place, though, where I really wanted you to expand a little bit was when Sirius accidentally killed the child. I really wanted to see a deeper reaction from him. He expresses an adequate amount of emotion, but I thought that the loss of an innocent life might have provoked a little bit more. Perhaps I was hoping to see a little bit more shock and horror on his part.
Oh, and another part that I wanted you to expand upon was the scene at the very end with Dumbledore. This is a bit of a personal bias of mine (I’m inordinately fond of Dumbledore), but the exchange between the two of them felt very brief. I was hoping that it would go on for a little bit more – perhaps Sirius would have truly pressed Dumbledore for what the reason was. Or, maybe it would have taken Sirius a little longer to get over the death of the boy. I think that I just want the story to be longer in general. :D
When I started reading this, it dawned on me that this was a World War II-centric story. This made me quite pleased (even though it is a horribly depressing subject), as World War II history is among my favorite subjects. I don’t really see many stories that combine that era with Harry Potter, so it made me very happy to see a story that combined two of the things that I’m most passionate about in my life. And I also wanted to tell you that you did a very good job at integrating the German phrases. They flowed very naturally into the story. I also wanted to mention that you handled the Nazi cruelty in a very sensitive way. It’s such a delicate topic, that’s filled with a lot of pain for so many, that authors have to be extraordinarily careful when they include it in their works. I thought that you did a fantastic job of not overdoing the brutality and not glorifying either.
Your imagery in the opening few paragraphs was also quite outstanding. I was really drawn into the scene with Sirius.
Explosions could be heard from outside, along with some smaller explosions from inside the building I was in. There were screams echoing off of every wall from unknown sources. I could hear a stampede of footsteps outside as the people in the city tried to get away.
That was an excellent example of the imagery that I was mentioning. I was particularly drawn to the “…screams echoing off of every wall from unknown sources.” That really embodied the chaotic and frantic mood of the piece. The reader knew that there were people who were fighting somewhere, but they didn’t know where. It really helped create that sense of urgency that Sirius felt while he was lying on the floor.
Overall, this was a very interesting piece for me to read. I don’t usually read Professor-rated stories that aren’t in the Romance category, meaning that I usually don’t read many stories with violence in them. I thought, though, that you handled the themes very well. The only thing that I really had something to say about was the length of the piece and the expansion of some ideas to create a little more depth for the characters. Other than that, it was quite good and I enjoyed reading it.
(Signed) · Date:
07/31/08 11:18 · For:
Interesting story line! I think what you’ve done with this is very compelling and unique; I would have loved to have seen the prompts that you received for this! You’ve done an excellent job with describing the settings as well as Sirius’ feelings as he went through the task that DD set him. All in all, I say that I really liked this story!
The opening paragraph shows your descriptive writing best I think: A thunderous crash caused me to lift my head from where I was laying, sprawled on the floor. The only thing that I might suggest doing different with this is mentioning what Sirius sees when he lifts his head – the best place for that would be in the next sentence or maybe just adding to the end. Something like: A thunderous crash caused me to lift my head from where I was laying, sprawled on the floor beside the fallen. You do mention the dead bodies *cringes at the thought of waking up to that* later on in the story so I’m not altogether sure it should be done here – it’s just a personal preference.
Another personal preference is that when you use another language, one besides English, you should think about italicizing it. I was really confused for a split second before I recognized it as German. >.< What can I say, I’m special and OCD like that.
I gasped. I’m in . . . Germany, and this has to be . . . World War II, I thought to myself.
I loved how you did this revelation. You had already hinted to the possibility of him being in a different time and he was definitely in a German speaking country, but I didn’t put all of that together until this line. The only thing with this is a small discrepancy in the timeline as you have it presented. I’m not sure if the locket was a Horcrux at this particular time in history and I don’t think the locket would have altered Sirius’ mood without it being one. It has to do with the dates of WWII and the time that Voldemort actually came into contact with the locket – if you would like to know more just PM me.
I looked down at the Time Turner that was clasped in my other hand, and I noticed that there was a piece missing from it.
After looking it over I saw that there was a small piece missing that I knew I would have to find.
Once again a small, golden object caught my attention. I bent down and picked it up. After looking at the object a few times, I realised that it was a piece of the Time Turner that Dumbledore had given me.
I loved how you used these lines to show the progress of figuring out the Time Turner was broken and then the conclusion of finding the missing piece!
The only thing that I didn’t care much for was the change in Sirius’ character when he put the locket on. You could argue that he represents the Sirius we could have known had he not turned away from his family, the same type of prejudice he would have had would be present I’m sure. But I also reason the fact that when Harry and Ron wore the locket, it only changed their mood not their moral being. It’s like one of the theories behind hypnotizing someone. You can make them do all kinds of silly things that they wouldn’t normally do on their own as long as it doesn’t go against their established personal morals. I’m not sure if I’ve explained that properly… if you have any questions on it PM me and I’ll attempt to explain it further.
Again, I loved the story dear! Wonderful writing style and a very interesting plot make for a spectacular read!
(Signed) · Date:
07/21/08 3:26 · For:
I liked the story. It was well written, and as this was written for a plot class the plot was good and mostly resolved.
Now for the nitpicks:
I think that you should have explained why the timeturner couldn't work when Sirus first tried to use it better than you did. I don't want to give anything away so I hope you understand what I mean.
It is possible that I am wrong, but I don't think that the item in question would have caused the user to act the way Sirus did until later than World War 2. However I could be wrong, depending on how well I know my dates, and I am aware that that is an important part of your plot.
The plot also leaves events in HBP and DH unexplained or disregarded so I think that you need at least a DH disregarded warning on it (if not an AU).
Sirus seems to think that Dumbledore didn't want him to do the mission, but Dumbledore says he wanted Sirus to accept. I don't think that pretending he didn't want Sirus to go would have affected the choice that Sirus made, so I think that that could be explained better.
Back to praise: I think that Sirus and Dumbledore are in character. Sirus would have wanted to do anything to get him out of Grimmauld place and would jump at the chance to do this mission.
(Signed) · Date:
07/19/08 17:09 · For:
*pounce tacklesquish* Tiffy, sweetie, that's awesome! And although I knew most of the story already (having helped with German was so much fun!) it's still great to read it again, now that it is no longer just the draft version.
One tiny little thing I have to nitpick though: There's this one sentence in paragraph 17 (I hope I have counted correctly... >.>) where you wrote some how; however, it should have been somehow instead - one word. But that's really all that jumped into my eyes.
Congrats on finishing your final! *cuddles*