Oh, Ave. How beautiful. Like, heart wrenchingly stunning. You are such an amazing writer.
Sweet music floated in. Mummy said that when the birds are happy, they sing. I wanted to sing, too, to match my voice with theirs and mingle in their happiness. And I did, because there was nothing to stop me.
What an opening. I love the way you say it like, Mummy said it, so it must be true. That is so Luna.
I also like the last line of that paragraph. You have so got this girl, like, up to a T.
All beings do that, because everybody has to change to live life to the fullest. I want you to live your life, Luna. Whatever you have to do to get there, do it.”
Aww, what a beautiful message. :) That's a wonderful line. Although, I must say, it sounds a little bit Slytheriny. Lol
To Luna, the Blue was the emptiness that filled the space, the nothingness that surrounded her. Up high, it was blue, but here where she stood it was colorless. Maybe, if she stood at the top of the sky and looked down, it would be blue here, too.
Dude, where do you come up with this stuff. You are like, a genious. You should be a Ravenclaw. From the way you managed the charactarise Luna, you could proberbly even be that weirdo mystical one ;) Take her place. Aha.
It was a good day; you could smell the happiness. It smelled like sunshine.
[Sniffles] This is my favourite line. Like, from any story, ever. It's so beautiful, and wise. Lol. Wise Avery. [Sniffles again]
What had it done to deserve that wound?
Oh, that's deep. I can just imagine Luna being the type to think of things like that. Nice.
“It smells like the fwesh sweet honey stolen from a bumbuhbee.”
Okay. Aww. Another adorable line. Dude, this fic is too cute. I cannot do it justice.
After all, at least she would have died laughing.
Oh, Avery, that's so sweet, yet so depressing. I can see what you mean, but I also feel so unhappy. Lol. You're pulling all these emotions out of me >.>
Daddy said that weeds were just as beautiful as flowers, you just had to learn to appreciate them.
Haha, the ____ said thing again. I love have naive and cute you make her.
“Daddy, Mummy isn’t gone. She’s here in the blue.”
Mann, this is all so beautiful. It's all so Luna, and so sweet, and so childish.
Like, all so simply, yet effective. I just love your writing, Ave, where do you come up with all these lines?
And suddenly, Luna had an inexplicable urge to sing.
Okay, if that wasn't the worlds best ending, I don't know what is.
That whole fic was so beautiful.
Mann, I dunno what even to say, I so suck at this reveiwing buisness. Lol.
So I'm just going to tell you I adore it, and I think I will leave it at that. :)
This is such a beautiful story! Very touching at first, because it teaches us a lot about grief and how children can be touched by death, and how they understand more than we think about how life works... It was light and profound at the same time, because we looked through the eyes of a child, who had so much to discover about life.
I liked your point of view about Luna and the fact that she's maybe not as much disconnected from life as we think she is. She's, to the contrary, so in sink with the elements surrounding her. Good idea to use meditation to help her go through her pain and her loss. It fitted with her character perfectly. It kind of showed us how she developped her good nature.
I'm really trying to find something constructive to say, but I honestly can't. Though, I spotted this sentence, and I have a little nitpick...
At the time Luna found it insulting that her mother did not trust her around her potions, but eventually she grew to understand that this was something all mothers do.
I'm not so good with commas, but I believe there should be one after "At the time", and another one after "eventually". (In French, they should be put there anyway... :P)
So I'll wrap this up and tell you again that I really liked your story. You did a wonderful job with Luna and her family! :)
Author's Response: Awww thanks Viv. Ack me and commas don't mix well either. Appreciate it though! -Avery
This was amazingly sweet, had well portrayed characters, and was a great story all around. Wonderful job!
Author's Response: Thanks! It means a lot.
Avery, this story is lovely. It showed Luna’s psyche very well, and how she changed from a laugh-loving girl to a silent one after her mother’s tragic accident. And yet, at the end she turns back into a girl that loves life and singing. And speaking of her mother’s accident: you described it very vividly without creating too much fright, and I felt really sorry for Luna to have been there and watch her mother die. And some paragraphs before that, when her mother was cooking and there was a bang, I was afraid that would be the accident and Luna would re-enter the kitchen to find her mother gone. I lived with Luna through your story and felt what she felt.
The rock was a dark navy blue, and glistened in the sun. It reminded her of the blue all around her, surrounding us everyday. Luna wondered if the rock could think, because if it could then she supposed it was meditating. If it was, the rock would be very happy because it would have no emotional distress. She wished the pebble would teach her how to meditate, because she found herself useless at it. Maybe if she tried to be the rock, Luna would learn how to meditate. After all, how would anyone learn to fly if they didn’t watch birds?
This paragraph is my favourite; I loved your description with the blue stone, and that Luna delved into the blue nothing when meditating. Alone these sentences above have really good images that painted the story into my mind while reading, but all words of your story combined make it a wonderful read.
Some tiny nitpicks I noticed though:
The first is in the paragraph above. There, in the second sentence, it should say “surrounding us every day.” That should be two words, not one like you wrote it.
Then you once forgot to close the speech with quotation marks, and the word “window” you once wrote without the “n” in its middle.
It made her feel as though she really was part of the blue when this happened, she could almost feel myself blown away.
I believe that should have been “she could almost feel herself blown away”.
To Luna, the Blue was the emptiness that filled the space, the nothingness that surrounded her. Up high, it was blue, but here where we stand it was colorless. Maybe, if she stood at the top of the sky and looked down, it would be blue here, too.
The second part in the second sentence in this paragraph is a bit confusing. You write out of Luna’s POV, but suddenly you change the pronoun to “we”. Was this intended?
But apart from these mistakes, the story is just great. I can only recommend to read it, to everybody.
Author's Response: Thanks for the help Bine. What would I do without the review circle? I'll look into those corrections at once. :] Oh, and as you so accurately picked up, this story was once first person (and present tense but it seems all those mistakes were thankfully taken care of). Your review means a lot! *is very tempted to go review one of Bine's stories now* -Avery
I like the relationship you show between Luna and her mother and the way you show us, through memories, how much they meant to each other.
I agree with Neville's girl about Xenophilus' characterization, but I see him and Luna as being close, even before her mothers death, which you don't seem to show here. I do agree with him doing his best for his daughter.
One tiny nitpick: I found the sick bird joke out of place, and I don't think that Luna's mother would have said that. I think that she would assure Luna that the bird would be OK. Even if she would say that I don't think Luna would laugh, no matter how much she loves her mother.
Author's Response: Thanks! I was kinda queesy about the joke too, so I'll probably change/take it out. Obviously I couldn't think of anything myself, so I googled "bird jokes". Glad you liked the story, Avery
Looks great! I really like this story, and I like your characterization of Xeno. (Notice I didn't touch his characterization when I was going over it.)
Thanks again for those fabulous banners you made for me! I'm glad I could help you with this story.
Author's Response: Thanks so much Luna! You were a great beta. *huggles*