Reviews For A Bloody Deal
Reviewer: Roommate of the Quillster
Date: 07/07/08 22:59
Chapter: i

Okay, this is good. This story has a lot of potential and promise.

I find it interesting the varying perspectives used to tell the story. Interesting that you use second person perspective to tell things from the Tonks point of view and third person to tell things from the Sirius point of view. It’s an easy way to distinguish the different characters, and it’s kind of a nice approach to the story. It fits nicely.

I don’t have anything necessarily critical to say about the story, but on the same lines I don’t really have anything to praise about the story. It’s an interesting concept, and it made it onto paper.

Do I think it has great potential in the plot? Yes, anytime two people are trying to kill each other it’s entertaining and suspenseful—look at “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” for example.

However, do I think it’s absolutely perfect and fabulous the way it is now? No. And the reason I say that is it’s a very objective story. It’s trying to be emotional/dramatic/intense, but instead of just being that way, it feels forced. For example, look at this clip:

The two words on the note surprise you, and hurt you at the same time.

That’s true; you wrote it that way. But it would pull the reader in more and connect to the later information of why it was so hurtful if instead that sentence was written:

You see the letters — place in an all-too-familiar pattern that you don’t have to read the second word to know what it says — and your only thought is to maintain the fašade you worked so hard to create. There is no room for the surprise or hurt invading your presence. Though your thoughts move faster than your will to restrain them.

Why him?

/example. That may not even be the best way to read it, but do you see how instead of writing something that Tonks feels so completely in her body as an objective observation I wrote it in a way to (hopefully) have the reader experience the same emotions Tonks felt. I used too many words in my example, and that’s obviously not something you want to do with every sentence. But it’s important to add the details your characters feel so the readers understand the images you create in your mind.

So in your story, instead of enjoying the emotions and wondering what will happen, I find myself reading and skipping a couple of words/phrases here and there because the story doesn’t compel me to read every single word and draw me into every situation.

So yes, good job with this idea and actually getting it down, but I think you could put more personality and emotion into this story as well. But nice work and good luck in the future!

Author's Response: Wow. Long review. First off - thank you. Secondly, I am glad you liked the subject of the story. The differences in tenses is drawn from two main reasons - a- difference in writing styles, as I am slightly weird and was in the mood for second person ;) and Megan is more sane and wrote in third. Secondly - it definitely adds to the characterization of the characters. rnrnAs for your critiques, we are sure to take them to heart. It w\may be too late for this fic - (the second and final part is already in the queue) but your words will certainly reflect in our future works. Thank you! rn~Sunray (& Megan)rn

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