Rodolphus is pretty much the love of my life, so I was really glad to see such an excellent fic about him like this one you have here.
First off, I love the way you start this — I think it really pulls the reader in, especially when you use the phrase: It's like looking at a walking Dementor.
Your descriptions are wonderful; you seem to choose each word careful, and doing so give it perfection. Your frequent references to death also add a layer to your writing.
I like the way you slip from memories to what's currently happening. I think it gives a lot of depth and interest to what could have been less so.
"I'm sorry, sir, that's just what they told me...he read as soulless to them. No emotions, no feelings, no consciousness. He's hollow, and you can't lie to the Dementors - can you, Minister?"
It's just… so cool! It's such a great idea. I mean, he never did get the Kiss, but he's showing up that way? It's just ingenious!
Rodolphus Lestrange, as you said in your author's note, didn't have a personality in the books. We only know two things about him: he's a Death Eater, and he's married to Bellatrix. Other than that, fanfic writers have free reign. In one of my own fics I was half-tempted to change even those facts, but then eventually decided not to… Anyway, for that reason, I'm excited to see where you take this — you could do anything with him!
I really, really want to know what happens next. You have a prologue that will really hook the readers, here.
The title of this story caught my attention straight away. It seems to fit so perfectly with the characterisation of Rodolphus that you set up in this chapter. Is it inspired by the Queensrӱche song by any chance?
It’s definitely an interesting set up to a story that you have here. You have a very nice balance in this prologue between setting the scene and creating an air of mystery. There’s enough plot for me to grasp what’s happening, but enough mystery to leave me wanting to know more. The alternating point of view I think has a lot to do with that sense of mystery – the flashes all seem to be carefully chosen to harbour something of oblique importance. You’ve handled that device very nicely, although it might become wearing in a longer piece.
"I don't care what rights he's entitled to, I say we lock the bastard up and throw away the key!”
This is a very effectively dramatic opening line, but the one thing I would say is that grammatically-speaking it’s a comma splice. Either this should be two separate sentences (as each half could stand alone) or, at the very least, the comma ought to be replaced by a semi-colon or dash. It’s something I noticed several times throughout the story. I just thought I’d mention it because, other than that, your writing seems technically pretty adept.
You have some lovely descriptive passages in here that really paint a vivid image of each short scene. I think one of my favourite parts has to be:
His long, dark hair fell around him in a morbid halo, contrasted against his sunless skin, so pale it was practically transparent.
I think perhaps it’s the apparent contradiction in the juxtaposition of ‘morbid’ and ‘halo’ that’s so effective. You obviously choose your words with great care, and the narrative really benefits from it. Although, given ‘halo’ is quite such a distinctive word, I think that perhaps it’s later repetition in relation to the woman may be just a little too much.
something like unease sliding through its consciousness
This gave me chills more than any other part. The concept of anything that could unnerve a Dementor is quite scary.
This story certainly has me intrigued, and I’ll be watching out for later chapters with interest to see where you take it.
Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful beginning! >.< *squee* Please update soon, you have a brilliant way of capturing the reader, good work!
This was an amazing prologue. I'm definitely hooked! Can't wait for the next chapter!
Author's Response: Merci beaucoup. It's so nice to have fans.
Aha! FINALLY, I've found what I've been looking for. This is one of the most well-written fics that I've read so far on this site... Keep up the great work; you've got a fan ;).
Author's Response: Thank you so much...that's very high praise. (I'm also writing the next chapter as we speak...)