MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/02/09 8:19 · For: Chapter 8 Professor Frederick
Shouldn't the students be home now? I think where you are talking about the students running into Hogwarts out of the rain you might accidentally be giving the impression it is September 1 and not June. Perhaps a mention of the students letting off excess energy from exams by playing in the rain.

I think when discussing the effects of Percival on the family, that Frederick's opinion of Percival should be given. Pain and Darkness may describe what would happen to a family whose father was sentenced to Azkaban for life but it doesn't tell us what Frederick really feels. (Although it shows that Frederick may be empathetic.) I think when describing how he feels about Ariana, one might express anger or forgiveness about the muggles who hurt her. Something seems to be missing here.

What you do best are the characterizations that stay focused on the individual. Good portrait of Frederick.

Author's Response: Thank you. I actually plan on letting everyone know what Frederick feels about Ariana and the whole situation with Percival later, but it couldn't hurt to slip some references into this chapter, so I will consider your suggestion. When I have time, I will look this chapter over as well!

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/02/09 0:30 · For: Chapter 7 Misunderstandings
What is unclear is how much Fulver told Dumbledore. Did he tell Dumbledore everything that was in the previous chapter? Does Dumbledore know what Marius tried to say just before he died or does Dumbledore not know of Marius.

I was wondering why they didn't just Apparate to Hogsmeade or directly to the gates of Hogswarts. (other than the plot point of being intercepted.

Some of the action sequences are a little bit choppy in part because the view point changes.

Also I think your choice of spells are wrong. I think a Stun spell actually knocks people out. They need the enervate to revive them. Obviously you want Wolfbane to be of stronger stuff. I think a freeze spell would have been better since Wolfbane doesn't seem to have been knocked out but just paralyzed. Ditto with Dumbledore.

"...spells wore off faster on Wolfbane then on normal humans." Think you should say than on normal wizards.

At the end Fulver was going to kill Marabella so she wouldn't talk to anyone, but he didn't. I think the story needs Dumbledore deliberately stopping him as Fulver would not be distracted by the fact that the woman was Sergei's cousin. Wouldn't Fulver want to kill her more being related to the traitor?

Also Wolfbane seems a little bloodthirsty now doesn't he? I think he too would have insisted that Marabella be killed.

But still a good story.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for all the feedback. I will look over chapter 7 and see what I can improve. As for Fulver wanting to kill Marabella, I think at this point, he still is unsure of what is going on in reference to Sergei and he isn't as blood thirsty as to kill someone he doesn't know. I am going to go back over this chapter and see if I can clear some of these issues up. Thanks!

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/01/09 21:48 · For: Chapter 6 Jean Fulver
Good backstory.

Author's Response: Thanks.

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/01/09 21:37 · For: Chapter 5 On the Road and Back Again
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Sergei's comments remind me of the Simpson's kids.

This chapter was a little confusing when viewpoints were switched from Dumbledore to Fulver then back to Fulver.

Also events were slightly confusing not being in sequential order.

Author's Response: Thank you for the feedback. I will try and see if I can clear up some of the confusion!

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/01/09 21:23 · For: Chapter 4 Tom's Back Room
I thought the concept of the back room was amusing. Suspenseful story.

Author's Response: Thanks. I'm glad you like the story so far.

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/01/09 21:12 · For: Chapter 2 The Leaky Bucket
good intro to Tom.

Author's Response: Thanks. I'm glad you liked Tom.

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/01/09 21:07 · For: Chapter 1 Dark Times
good atmosphere. dark rainy, wet, dementers impending sense of doom. etc.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. I really appreciate it!

Name: Hormiga (Signed) · Date: 11/29/08 1:15 · For: Chapter 15 Sergei Krum's Heart
I liked the chapter a lt and im very intrigued by th story line... Although i must say u should never trust a cricket that "talks" back

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. I'm really glad that you like this chapter.

Name: goddess of light (Signed) · Date: 11/27/08 19:59 · For: Chapter 15 Sergei Krum's Heart
A great chapter, with just the right amounts of heartbreak and hope. You've actually done this well enough for it not to seem tacky, for which you certainly deserve credit. I love the whole thing with the grasshopper, and the way you're dragging Jean and Sergei together all but by the skin of their teeth. This is a great story. Update soon!

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. I tried really hard not to make it too corny. I wanted Sergei and jean's friendship to be rocky at first, but to grow from this chapter. I'm glad you liked it. I will try to get the next chapter into the queue soon!

Name: goddess of light (Signed) · Date: 11/25/08 17:39 · For: Chapter 14 The Harmless Half-wit Wizard
I really love your story. You have a talent for writing, you've portrayed the characters well. I hope you update soon! The suspense is killing me. You mix plot with action so well.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. I have chapter 15 in the queue. Hopefully it will be up soon and so sorry for the long waits.

Name: potterchassid (Signed) · Date: 11/20/08 2:46 · For: Chapter 1 Dark Times
The que has opened up a while ago already, but we are still waiting for your next update... snif snif.

Gripping story, please update!

Author's Response: I am pulling up the next chapter now. I lost the entire story when my computer crashed and it has been a little difficult. I'm so sorry for the long wait and will try to get the next chapter in the queue no later than tomorrow!

Name: FireboltCrasher (Signed) · Date: 09/16/08 17:18 · For: Chapter 13 Meeting Dumbledore
Wow, this story is really interesting. Is it possible that Vikious and Marius know each other somehow? Is Marius even still alive? There's a slight cliffhanger at the end of this chapter, and it's driving me insane. I want to know what Vikious is up to. Please update. :)

Author's Response: Chapter fourteen is ready. I just have to wait for the queue to open up again. As for the other questions, you will have to read on to see. There is a lot more coming, I promise. Thanks for reviewing my story!

Name: lovely_witch (Signed) · Date: 08/28/08 18:02 · For: Chapter 12 Jean Fulver's First Quidditch Match
Oh my goodness! What a crazy cliffie you've left us with! Please update very, very soon, I can't wait to find out what happens next. Oh and I was reading your responses to my comments, and yes, you do seem to have the math right on Krum's family. Good job on that, it's one of my pet peeves when authors are lackadaisical about their characters' age.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for all the reviews that you have given my story so far. You have no idea how much this means to me to know that people like the story!

Name: lovely_witch (Signed) · Date: 08/28/08 16:44 · For: Chapter 11 Meeting Tom
I love it! I always felt that even though Tom was a model student, some more people than just Dumbledore should have realized that he was up to something, even if they didn't know the sheer magnitude of it. Great chapter! I also really like your characterization of Tom Jr., it makes him seem so nice.

Author's Response: I'm so glad that you loved the characterizations of both Tom's. I kind of what them to be polar opposites, kind of like the good Tom and the bad Tom!

Name: lovely_witch (Signed) · Date: 08/28/08 12:48 · For: Chapter 10 A Meeting Between Friends
Well that certainly was an unexpected development with the blueprints! That's so creative of you though, putting them inside Krum's body like that. Another little tip about your writing (really small I promise) is that you seem to go comma crazy quite often. You really don't need a comma before every but and and. In fact there's one place where you put a comma before but and it really didn't fit at all. Just make sure to check by reading and pausing in your head; it really does help. Other than that fantastic writing!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review and the advice on the commas. I have already looked into my other chapters and have been watching out for comma over usage!

Name: lovely_witch (Signed) · Date: 08/27/08 22:10 · For: Chapter 9 Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Another great chapter! There is one small thing that you do tend to do alot, in this chapter, but in previous chapters as well: you use whom when you should use who. Whom can replace who, but only in questions, and sometimes you use it in the middle of a sentence, and it doesn't quite work. You may just want to check that, otherwise great writing!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for catching that mistake. I will have to go back over the later chapters. I really appreciate all the reviews you have given for my story!

Name: lovely_witch (Signed) · Date: 08/27/08 21:37 · For: Chapter 8 Professor Frederick
Those aren't necessarily changes in the charaterization of Tom, it's more that he let his guard slip and that Frederick is perhaps just as observant as Albus. I like that you gave Albus another family memeber, it will make their relationship very interesting. Cousins can be quite tricky.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. I'm sorry it took so long to respond to this review.

Name: lovely_witch (Signed) · Date: 08/27/08 21:24 · For: Chapter 7 Misunderstandings
Oh my, Dumbledore is angry! That was a pretty violent chapter, but rightly so, as they are living in very dark times. I wonder how much this complicates things. I guess I'll have to read on and find out!

Name: lovely_witch (Signed) · Date: 08/26/08 22:13 · For: Chapter 6 Jean Fulver
So that's not Marius? Was it someone else using a pollyjuice potion? I can't wait to read more and find out! By the way, wasn't the American's patronus a deer in the last chapter? I don't really remember. It's a bear in this one.

Author's Response: Johnny Wolfbane's Patronus is a bear in both chapters, but it would be cool if he could change his Patronus as easily as he can change his physical state, but that may be stretching the believability of the story too far. Thanks again for the review. I am so glad that you like the story!

Name: lovely_witch (Signed) · Date: 08/26/08 18:25 · For: Chapter 5 On the Road and Back Again
Very interesting that you decided to include a muggle and an American. I'm assuming that Sergei Krum is Viktor's grandfather, otherwise Viktor would be far too old to be Harry's peer. Sergei might even be old enough to be Viktor's great-grandfather if Sergei's son is old enough.

Author's Response: Sergei is Viktor's grandfather. Viktor's father is about four in this story which starts in 1940, which means he was 40-41 when he had Viktor with a much younger wife. Viktor was born in 1976. If we assume he is 18 by the time the GOF takes place which is 1994, then Viktor would be 18 in 1994. I think I did the math right. If I am wrong, please let me know!

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