MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: MrsHTX (Signed) · Date: 12/30/12 20:07 · For: Chapter 10 A Meeting Between Friends
Intresting story, and well written. The only critique I can offer is that the author's notes are distracting, especially the way they are formatted. I'd prefer to see them at the bottom of the page -- if you were publishing this story as a printed book or e-Book through a traditional publisher, you'd have no way to address your readers directly, and I find the "notes to readers" very distracting. It's almost as if you don't think your story is well-written enough to stand on its own, and it is. They're not necessary -- you're quite a good enough writer to just tell your story, without explanation before each chapter. I hope you come to trust yourself and your talent more!

Name: Morbius Liadon (Signed) · Date: 12/17/09 18:50 · For: Chapter 1 Dark Times
I don't know if this is AU or anything, but it was listed as historical, but this first chapter keeps saying 'young' when refering to Albus and Grindelwald, but Albus was born in 1881, making him roughly sixty during this time period, and I know Grindelwald was of similar age. Not a big deal really as it is fan fiction, but I thought I would have me a nerd moment =]

Author's Response: You're right about Albus' age. I thought I had edited that out. I kind of wanted the characters to think he looked young, but I should have been more clear on that. Thank you very much for the review and for catching that mistake.

Name: potterchassid (Signed) · Date: 12/17/09 17:45 · For: Chapter 28 Divergence
Gripping new story ark extension. I see you will keep us on the edge of our seats for quite some more chapters! Thanks! I greatly look forward to the next update.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. This was actually the last chapter of the story, but there is a sequel in the works called On the Road to Nurmengard. I am working on the first chapter right now, so keep a lookout for it!

Name: potterchassid (Signed) · Date: 11/16/09 18:52 · For: Chapter 27 The Past Reclaimed
Gripping, with a cliffhanger to boot. Will they mistakenly leave Fulver a few moments alone, exposing him to murder at the hand of Frederick?

Name: potterchassid (Signed) · Date: 11/05/09 9:12 · For: Chapter 1 Dark Times
Can we lobby for an update soon, please?

Author's Response: I'm so sorry for the wait. I thought I had updated the next chapter, but I was wrong. Thank you for reminding me. The next chapter is in the queue right now!

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 09/23/09 7:20 · For: Chapter 26 When the Stars Fall
very suspenseful. can't wait for update.

Name: potterchassid (Signed) · Date: 09/20/09 14:35 · For: Chapter 26 When the Stars Fall
Jean was preternaturally silent, moving like a ghost. He used the natural sounds and lighting of his surroundings to mask his presence. He breathed when the wind blew and blended into the shadows thrown off the wall.

While Jean has no magic, he surely would do well in concealment nonetheless.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. And as for the comment, yes, he most certainly would do well with concealment. People will get to see more of Jean's abilities in the sequel to this story, On the Road to Nurmengard, that is in the works.

Name: potterchassid (Signed) · Date: 08/19/09 16:25 · For: Chapter 25 What Riddle Saw
That was an unexpected twist. Does Jean stand a chance? Will he teach Frederick that a muggle can stand his man, too?

Name: Tim the Enchanter (Signed) · Date: 08/18/09 22:23 · For: Chapter 6 Jean Fulver
Interesting buildup you have going, Sheena. I like how you gradually reveal details so that I, the reader, wants to keep turning the page, if there were indeed any pages to turn.

Though I must commend you for your intriguing plot and interesting cast of characters, I have some several issues with this chapter pertaining to historical accuracy and realism.

First, there is a problem with timing. You wrote that Jean and Marius joined the army after the beginning of the war: that would be September first, 1939. However, you said that it was a year before Jean got his first mission, but France was already occupied by September 1940. Also, you describe Marius doing espionage in Germany for months and months on end before returning to France, and again, this would be impossible because France surrendered in June 1940. Also pertaining to timing, you appear to have overlooked the fact that it takes time to train a good spy. Marius and Jean would have precious little time to do any spying at all, between the end of their training and the fall of France.

Second is the way you portray spying. You describe Jean and Marius as soldiers and spies, but these terms are not synonymous. Also, (ignoring the timing issue mentioned above) I have trouble believing that Marius and Jean could have ever gotten to Russia by walking overland through Germany. Considering Marius' reckless actions (how did he ever become a spy if he couldn't control himself?), there is no way they would have made it - a secret police system as good as the Gestapo would have picked up their trail and found them. Also, the majority of Germans were patriotic Nazis, and I find it hard to believe that Marius and Jean would be able subsist off "generous hands" - how would they know where to find people sympathetic to them? Lastly, why did Jean and Marius walk overland to Russia anyway? The Soviet Union was neutral at the time, so the two could have just taken a ship flying the flag of a neutral nation and not have to worry about the Germans torpedoing it, or the Soviets sending it back. They could have even just taken a train from France, through Italy (which was neutral until 10 June 1940), east across the Balkans, and into the Soviet Union, which would probably be the simplest and easiest option.

Thirdly and lastly, is the Krum manor house. Aren't the Krums wizards? If they are indeed wizards, having them live in plain sight of a Muggle village makes little Harry Potter sense. But why do the Krum family servants use guns? But, wizards or not, there is no way an aristocratic, bourgeois family would be allowed to exist in the Soviet Union. Such elitism is diametrically opposed to everything that Bolshevism stood for, and there is no doubt that the CPSU would have evicted the Krums (or worse), seized the estate, and redistributed the land. Even assuming that the Krums are wizards who could Obliviate any Muggle they want, the communists would not leave them alone and they would be a constant topic of investigation. If such a family of bourgeois aristocrats were mysteriously able to resist every attempt to arrest them, I suspect that troops and/or police would have been sent to simply kill them. Seeing that Jean was easily able to blow up large parts of the manor with Muggle explosives, the Red Army would have assuredly wiped them out.

I like this story, but unfortunately there are some serious historical inaccuracies and logical problems.

~ Tim the Enchanter

Name: Tim the Enchanter (Signed) · Date: 08/18/09 20:38 · For: Chapter 1 Dark Times
Hello Sheena,

Well, I’ve finally decided to read The Traveler's Secret all the way through. Guess it’s about time, considering that I’ve posted a few times in your original character threads on the forums.

I like what I’m reading so far. The story is unfolding like a good mystery - espionage work is always fun to read.

However, one thing that bothered me about this chapter is the way you spelled Adolf as ‘Adolph’. It looked so… odd, spelled with a ‘ph’.

~ Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Thanks Tim for the review and for catching the mistake. I'm glad you like it so far. I hope that I keep everything as accurate as possible to the time period. If there is a mistake in some of the facts, please let me know. I am always open to constructive criticism.

Name: potterchassid (Signed) · Date: 08/03/09 7:32 · For: Chapter 1 Dark Times
This is getting scarier and scarier. Are we now going to learn how out of the leaky bucket became a whole, but still leaky, cauldron?

Name: Salmantino7 (Signed) · Date: 06/18/09 14:15 · For: Chapter 9 Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Wow, I'm really enjoying this story! I can't wait to see how Jean reacts to hogwarts. Great job!

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. I'm really glad you like it.

Name: potterchassid (Signed) · Date: 06/17/09 16:01 · For: Chapter 1 Dark Times
So Vicuous is fishy. Hmmm. When is his next appearance?

Author's Response: Vikious comes in again in chapter 24, which is coming very soon. I'm sorry for the delay and thank you for the review. I really appreciate it!

Name: potterchassid (Signed) · Date: 02/14/09 15:33 · For: Chapter 1 Dark Times
Has the Traveller gone vacationing? Please update you excellent story.

Author's Response: So sorry. I will try to get it updated in the next couple days. It has been an extremely busy week for me.

Name: OLP (Signed) · Date: 01/08/09 19:03 · For: Chapter 17 Wolfbane's Predicament
Wow, I really feel for Wolfbane. Interesting to see a new side of him.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for reviewing my story. I appreciate each and every review and I'm glad you feel empathy for Wolfbane.

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/02/09 10:13 · For: Chapter 17 Wolfbane's Predicament
Fulver is one scrappy Muggle. Good characterization. I like how you devoted this chapter to Wolfbane and showed everything from his point of view.

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked this chapter. I wanted one chapter told about him and from him because he plays a bigger role in the end and in the second book to this series.

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/02/09 9:46 · For: Chapter 14 The Harmless Half-wit Wizard
Just when I was looking for a simple answer, the plot thickens.

Author's Response: I hope this is a good thing. Thanks again for all the reviews that you have given!

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/02/09 9:31 · For: Chapter 12 Jean Fulver's First Quidditch Match
As always, very suspenseful.

Author's Response: Thanks.

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/02/09 8:55 · For: Chapter 10 A Meeting Between Friends
Overall good logical chapter that gave viewpoints and emotions well.

A small nitpick. I don't think that JKR in her small portrait of Dippet had him be a decisive leader. I think that there should have been a ministry person there to be in charge.

Author's Response: Hmmm. I never thought of adding a ministry person there, but that may be interesting. Thanks for the advice.

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 01/02/09 8:32 · For: Chapter 9 Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Just a nitpicking note. Can Squibbs see Hogwarts any better than muggles? It does make for an interesting exchange of emotions between Sergei and Fulver. Sergei seems to act as a jealous brother.

I like that you have made Dumbledore a little impatient with Fulver. It makes him more human.

Author's Response: I'm glad you noticed the fact that Sergei can see Hogwarts at all. That is actually planned. I'm also glad that you liked how I characterized Dumbledore.

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