hello ironic inspiration, I find your story vanity and pride great and they'd like to translate in German. if ok for you is. I would put it into a purely fan fiction archive on my account. Please register with me my e-mail address is given below. Greetings dear Sophia. E-mail: Janna@ web.de janna.vonservenvall
Beautifully written, you don’t rush the story and you take the time to develop and give a personality to the characters. I can actually feel the tension and the moods of the characters through the way you describe things. I really do hope that you’ll continue writing this story; you’ve begun to create a master piece, it would be a shame if you didn’t finish it.
I saw your banner and trailer for this, and I just had to read it.
The first chapter is amazing, I'm obsessed with the Blacks, and I've been looking for a fic like this for a while!
I hope you continue this. This is a really really interesting story so far, it would be a shame if you didn't!
ARG!!! Okay I had this whole lovely, nice long review typed up and then I hit a button and it DISAPPEARED! -takes a deep breath- I will attempt to remember it.
Hi, Violet! -waves- I'm a friend of Nikki's. I figured that I should read and review this chatper now, before you two get a ton of chapters up and I have to play catch-up. :)
First off, I just want to say, that I LOVE your vids for RGBS and this fic. They are amazing.
A few nitpicks:
Only four people were occupying the large room...
Erm... I'm pretty sure that there are five people. -counts- Callidora, Charis, Arcturus, Lysander, and Harfang. Yep, that's five.
It was their dream to live happily ever after.
But what they failed to comprehend was that they were not normal girls; they were Blacks.
This is just a simple formatting error. All you need to do is hit 'enter' after 'after' and then this section will flow as smoothly as everywhere else.
Out came her cousins, Cassiopeia and Marius, Uncle Cygnus's children, and Pollux and Dorea's siblings.
This sentence was a bit bumpy. It took me a couple read-throughs to grasp any meaning from it, and when I did, I thought that Pollux had arrived too, and I was a bit hazy as to why Dorea was mentioned. I don't think that it's necessary to say 'her cousins' that's implied by the 'Uncle' thing. I suggest moving the words around a little and clearing up your meaning. Maybe something like this: 'Out came Uncle Cynus's other children, Cassiopeia and Marius, brother and sister of Pollux and Dorea.'
She refused to accept it. Cedrella Black would never end up like her older sister. She would marry a man that was just as attractive and ambitious as herself; a man that was even more handsome and charming than her cousin, Pollux.
Oooh. Foreshadowing. I like it. Actually, I like this entire bit about her sister and their fanasty that would always be just that-- a fanasty. I think it adds a lot of depth to Cedrella's character.
“And I came at eight with an expensive gift,” he said, taking his eyes off his cousin for the first time since he had arrived. “Isn't that how the Black family works?”
-giggles- I really like this line. I like how it sums up a part of the Black family. I think that I also like Pollux. He's quite amusing.
I am going to cut the letter short because I want something to talk about on the train ride tomorrow.
Nice cliffie. :)
It's beyond me how he doesn't have a drop of Black blood in him.
I like how this shows that Lysander is really part of the Blacks. Before it kind of seemed like she didn't have any defining 'Black' qualities, but this shows her pride and her vainness and her sense of superiority.
Pollux secretly taking two
ahahahahaha! Okay, I definitely like Pollux. :D
I really like your characterization of the everyone. I also like your characterization of the Blacks in general and everyone shares a few certain things that are 'Black.' Pollux reminds me of Sirius [Marauders' Era Sirius] a bit. I think that I like Violetta as well. I like her loving nature, she seems a bit sweeter and kinder than the rest of them.
I really like how this chapter shows us exactly who Cedrella is. How vain and conceited she is and how proud/jealous her family is of her. I'm assuming that this is just a build up of her character so we can see how it changes because of Septimus.
I really like the way they talk. It fits the time period, and I am extremely impressed.
I can't wait to see what you guys cook up! XD
I love it! You portray the black family perfect....the picture of pure-blood snobs. I hope Cederella changes though as she is I'm pretty sure, I'll find it hard to sympathisize with her. Great work...keep it up :D
This is a really great story! You should most definitely continue it!
great start. very interesting and weel written. i love how you portray yhe balck family. very rich arragont and they all hjave that thirst for power and greed.
cedrella is a very interesting charector. she isnt the normal main charector. a nice or seet peron. the exact opposite.
o feel bad for all her cousins and sisters. how they must feel.
great job! please update soon!
What a wonderful beginning! I love how you characterized all of the Black family members; they seem very Black-like, though we don't know much about them from canon. Cedrella is just the right balance of witty, charming, snide and vain; I'm really eager to see how her relationship with Septimus will begin.
Wonderful, what a fantastic picture you’ve drawn of the Black Family. They are my favourite one and I’ll so sure continue reading your story. I found it great that you’ve given Uncle Sirius the same character his grandson will later have. And the sentence lecturing that every Black chose to go to Slytherin to not anger the family – superb; it gives an insight what will later happen with Sirius/Padfoot. Hurry up and please update quickly.
WOW - great character development and set-up for an awesome story!!! i was slightly confused b/c this Sirius is a lot like the harry-era Sirius, but i liked that aspect of the story!! you write incredibly well and i cannot wait to read more of this story and for the plot to develop!! again, great story!!
What a great start! You have portrayed the Black family perfectly. Cedrella is the kind of character you hate to love and love to hate-- spoiled, saucy, beautiful, and clever. She has so much potential-- I can't wait to see what happens.
I would advise you to get a second beta or a few advance readers. There were a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. For example, you said Cedrella's father 'donned' a head of dark hair. 'To don' means to put on, i.e. get dressed; so you can say a man donned his cloak, but a man can only don his hair if he wears a wig. There are a few other things like this, but that one stood out for me. ;-) The spelling is also shaky in spots. But these are just technicalities. The story itself is top notch.
I loved the video trailer you have up on YouTube. Guys, if you haven't seen it already go check it out!
Well, this story definitely goes on my favorite list.
Okay, so, I personally think it looks a bazillion times nicer reading it on the website than over Yahoo [: xD
Yay! It's finally up! I'm so excited [: I can't wait for the rest. And I've probably told you all this before, but to reiterate:
Cedrella is the perfect Black, as has been said. She's characterised just the way she needs to be - and one of those people you just love to hate [:
I do hope she grows and changes over the story - well, she'd need to, but I'm looking forward to it nonetheless!
"And I came at eight with an expensive gift. Isn't that how this family works?"
Ah, I can't get over this line! I've read it probably 117 times - no kidding, I've opened the email up just to read this line - and it never loses it's appeal [: Pollux is a great character [:
I know how much trouble you had getting this validated, and let me just say, I'm glad you finally did [: It's going to popular, I can tell [: -gives cake and candles- Congrats, Violet! May this be the first of many new-chaper-parties to come [:
I've been seeing the banner for this around the forums, so I had been dying to read it. And Oh. My. Godric. This was better then I could've ever imagine! I love Cedrella so far. This sounds like a star-crossed lovers type of fic so I cannot wait until chapter 2!
That was lovely. I saw the banner for this story on the beta boards, and have been wanting to read it for ages. Good writing, and update soon.
It's up! Oh man. Why didn't you tell me, kid? *hugs story* I love this story, you know that? I wish I had time to beta it! :( I can't wait for chapter two though... lol. :D xox nikki
An interesting first chapter. Cedrella is just as arrogant as I would expect a Black woman to be. An excellent job setting the scene. Expect more reviews from me.
Great idea- it has always interested me how various members of the Black family were disgraced. Looking forwards to more chapters!
I've seen this fiction promoted everywhere on the forums, and I'm so happy it's finally up. And I love how you characterised Cedrella; she was the perfect Black, and I can't wait to see her change throughout the fiction.
This was a great start, and it definitely opens you up to the world that Cedrella's living in and her arrogance. I can't wait for chapter two.
Oh, my! Cedrella seems so much worse than she was on the character thread! ^_^ I'm really interested to see how this fic turns out. I felt bad for the ones Cedrella doesn't like; I wonder if her attitude will change.
Anyways, wonderful start- I'll defientely favorite this one. Please kepp this one- it's really worth the update wait.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! And yes, Cedrella can tend to be quite awful and biased. She's not the typical person you would root for, but she grows with the story! And I will update soon. Trust me. I love this story.