Wow, this was a great DADA fic! I loved the way you kept building the suspense by referring to the older Malfoy’s opinions of his younger self and the constant hints of how he should known something was up. It made me want to keep reading and reading in order to find out exactly what had happened.
I thought your characterisation of Lucius was excellent especially as he is not a character I have read about very often. I like the theme of him attempting to catch the Kelpie which finished and ended the fic with brief appearances in the middle.
Most of all I was impressed by your climax and the spell which Lucius discovered. The fact that he had no qualms about using such a disastrous spell was perfectly in character and I think shows how evil he could truly be. The nature of the spell itself and the way it impacted in such a terrible way on so many people fitted in wonderfully and really added to the dark nature of the fic.
It was also nice to Addison making a brief appearance
Normally, I would not have read this fic. The warning of Non-consensual sex is one I try and stay away from at all times. However, the combination of the genre, the title, and the character (whom I have never read a lot of fanfic about) drew my curiosity and I decided to click anyway. Am I glad I did, or do I regret it? The former, most definitely. You handled the subject quite well, I thought.
The opening paragraph drew me in immediately. It sets a mood of mystery that makes the reader curious to enough to read on. What is he doing? Why is he doing it? It was an excellent place to start and keep the reader interested.
When I started the fic, I thought the girl in question would be Narcissa. I like that it wasn’t, that it was a new character. She was interesting, but I would have liked to see more than just Lucius’ descriptions. It might have proved easier for the reader to connect to Winona if she had been shown in other ways.
Looking back at this moment, it dawned on Lucius that some of Draco’s most infuriatingly thoughtless traits were obviously inherited.
I like this sentence; it made me laugh. Not only does it portray Lucius’ character, but Draco’s as well, and in an amusing manner at that. As far as Lucius’ character, though I don’t know much about him, I thought you portrayed him rather well. He wasn’t quite the man we see in HP, but it is easy to see him as a younger version of that man. I think you got the qualities down nicely.
I thought the scene describing the ‘peace bomb’ was written very well. The description was great and you painted a clear picture in the reader’s mind. Good job, kid.
He opened the leather case strapped to his waist where he kept his wand, and carefully removed it. He then put the bridle into it, the bridle fitting the small case with ease. He then put the bridle into it, the bridle fitting the small case with ease.
First, I don’t think the comma in the first sentence is need. Also, the second sentence is worded rather awkwardly. I think the verb tense is what skews it. Perhaps if you combined the two to that is reads more like ‘… and carefully removed it, slipping the brindle into it with ease.’
Inaspectus, he whispered, pointing his wand to his head, vanishing instantly.
I think instead of a comma it might read better ‘and vanishing instantly.’
He had completely forgotten his kelpie hunt, more interested in his new adult interests.
There isn’t any thing really ‘wrong’ here, its just that the use of ‘interests’ (or a form of it) sounds a bit repetitive so close together. You might consider changing one of them.
A strangely dressed young man, not much older than Lucius opened the door and held up two fingers.
There should be another comma after Lucius.
The scene in which Lucius finally captured the kelpie was good, but I thought it could have been done a bit better. Perhaps with a bit more description and longer sentences, might have been more beneficial, since the capture was so important to Lucius.
The only other thing I noticed was that some bits, the end especially, were rather confusing. The references to Lucius’ older self were not strong enough, in my opinion, that it was a scene in a Pensieve. Also, the end didn’t seem like a closed finish. I felt like I had missed something, like there was information I was lacking. I know you use Addison a lot, so if there is another fic that may have given more to this one, you may want to include that in the author’s note at the top or the summary.
Overall, though, I did enjoy it. Like I said, Lucius was well done, and I thought the ‘bomb’ was a rather clever idea. I wonder, did you create that yourself, or was it based in research? Or a little of both. Either way, it was impressive.
It's interesting to me how Lucius had gotten so easily duped by Muggles playing at magic. But then again, like you had mentioned in the fic : some of Draco’s most infuriatingly thoughtless traits were obviously inherited.
And I love that line by the way.
I can feel Lucis hitting himself as he looks back on those moments. I often do that myself when I reminisce about the past. I love that! I love how there were subtle clues left behind for him (and the reader), clues that he should have caught on to but he was too young and too in lust to see it plainly.
I didn't realize what was going to happen until that moment he had blacked out. I loved how you build it up to that point then delivered your own bomb in the plot.
There are so few fics out there that actually has me sorry or have me rooting for Lucius. So when he came to the house, six months later, to deliver his peace bomb, I smiled... inwardly.
Lord knows revenge isn't the way to settle things, but it was so like Lucius to do what he did. It just felt right.
Great piece! This is the first fanfic I've read that mentions the Muggles playing at witchcraft, and you did a great job of it. Lucius was excellently in character, from his nonchalance to his bitterness towards the end. You did a great job of also bringing up other aspects of the wizarding world such as the kelpies, and the ending was very good. While it did feel a bit detatched, it was perfect for putting everything in perspective and keeping me from forgetting who Lucius became in the adult world. I also really liked the way you kept referring to the incident as though it were indeed a memory (such as from a pensieve), and adding Lucius' comments as he would look back on things.
Author's Response: Well. I thought the endind should be detached, but. . . Thanks for your review, it was heartening!
Author's Response: OK
Oh my . . . wow. That is really all I can say, wow. Your writing is so beautiful and meaningful. Not a single word is placed that does not have some meaning behind it.
Lucius is perfectly and beautifully in character. You really get a sense of were his "Death Eater" side comes out to play here, and why he was able to make a pretty good one at that. I loved Lucius in this story.
This is a very serious and intense story. I believe that you handle the details very maturely and appropriately. There was never an instanse where I thought that the subject was poorly handled.
You have left me practically speechless and utterly blown away. This piece is pure excellence. Your writing is fantastic and captivating.
Amazing job, Leah. I can not say much more as you have left me shocked, blown away, and amazed. I am ever so proud of you, is that weird to say?
Again, amazingly well-written story and I hope you continue to write such amazing stories for me to read. :)
Author's Response: Thanks Haylee, I don't know what else to say!
Wow. This is story is incredible! Usually, I'm disappointed after reading school assignments because they usually sound a little forced, but this was phenomenal!
Your imagery, for one, was great:
Lucius Malfoy let the water flow along the length of his body, the natural coolness of it relaxing his worn muscles, rejuvenating him for another deep dive. He lay on his back, barely moving his arms to propel himself slowly through the water. In one hand he held tight to the bridle he had purchased years ago at Borgin and Burkes. It had always been his dream to capture the illusive creature that lived deep below where he now floated. He had reckoned that the creature was aware that another magical being was stalking it, and was therefore being cautious. That paragraph I felt, just set the mood for the entire story. There's this illusion of calm, but he's actually hunting, something that I think suits Mr. Malfoy very well. Which brings me to my next point of your characterization.
I thought that you really hit Lucius' personality well--
I always imagined him as a sort of slightly more dangerous and a bit stronger than his son Draco because Draco was absolutely molly-coddled. But, in essence, they are the same because the make the same, misfortune mistakes of youth that any hot-headed guy would. Look--some girl wants to have sex with me! How could this be bad at all!? *rolls eyes* His older self would of course scorn his younger, which was perfect, but what struck me as odd was the complete lack of nostalgia. Most people when they grow older remember their mistakes with some sort of soft, nostalgia at maybe their foolishness or youthfulness. Lucius here feels nothing which I guess is IC for him, but I was still a bit surprised at his coldness.
One thing I did wonder--whoever is Miss Lee Bodkins? An extra-maritial affair maybe? =P
Your story flows wonderfully and I really have nothing to critique. I think that you a wonderful job on your prompt and that you definitely deserve full points for this! Good job!
Author's Response: It was supposed to be a framing device, well, sort of! But yea, an affair type thing!