Wow! First off - Claire I didn't know you wrote it with Hanni! Hey Hanni! That being said - OMFG!!!!! It's so puuurrrrty!
The poem is very well built, and from the descriptions in it, you can practically be in this person's place and hear the veil swishing and beckoning.
I've got a couple of knitpicks though...You were very repetitive with the use of 'him' and 'call/ing". In my opinion- and this is my opinion only, it kind of distracts from the general feeling. You use of repetition in "Calling him/Entrancing him" Is very good, but after that, every time the word him is in the poem it kinda jumps out at you. The same can be said for calling - try synonyms, like beckon and summon.
The second knitpick is that it confused me slightly that on the one hand he knew he would die at the hands of another - and then he turns towards the curtains - to a death that would be caused by his own hands (well, feet, technically, but w/e).
For without inevitable death,
Cherishable life would not exist.
I love this sentence. It's such a beautiful way of reconstructing a universal truth. Really, really, well done.
In the final stanza, when he smiles as he turns to the veil - OMG chills! Really well written. Generally, the entire poem is, too.
Ooh, another one of my favourite 'Harry is going to die' fics!
I liked the interesting take on the famous (or infamous) Veil of the DoM. You get to see it from an insider's point of view as he walks to his death.
My particular favourite stanzas were the second and the second to last. You give excellent, moving descriptions there.
For critique, I'd only say that you were a tad melodramatic, perhaps. There is good emotion, but dare I say too much? I don't know. Something didn't click with me.
Good poem, though. I can't wait to see more poetry from you!
I thought the title quite catching, like something Cummings or Goldsmith would have used in what can be a shortie or a sermon, respectively. I wondered who the character is. After all, there are quite a handful who 'face death' in the HP-verse.
Of course, you give us a clue right in the first line. Although, I think 'the curtains' should be 'the curtain', if it's the Veil in the Death Chamber.The second stanza-- maybe it's just me, but it sounds and feels out of place. It can easily be removed and the poem will lose nothing in the way of meaning.
Still, the 'stars' must be an allusion to fate, am I right? It's the only way I perceive it. 'Above' would have been been better than 'around' (st.2 l3). This said, I think the first two lines of the third stanza would have been beautiful attached to the second stanza, the 'for' replaced with 'that'. Or, the period after 'aloud' can be stricken.Can't help meddling, padonnez moi, Claire. ^_^ One more, just one more, you can do with one less 'soon'.
You gave the Veil such power here, almost made it seem like a vengeful, fleshy character. The focus isn't so much on the protagonist's plight and courage, as in the inevitability and draw, of death. Sometimes.Ironically, even though this is open form, or perhaps partly because of it, the overall feel of this creation, contrary to how we percieve the character's conviction, reminds me of Emily Dickinson's "Because I could not stop for death..."
Indeed, death perhaps kindly stopped for our favourite godfather, though it was not kindly to his godson at all.~Joanna
WOWIE!!! I adore this poem; it's very powerful. These are my two favorite lines: "For without inevitable death,/Cherishable life would not exist." This poem is an absolute treasure.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review! My partner wrote the two lines you mentioned, though I am glad that you enjoyed the poem.