*shivers* This is lovely and awfully sad. You wove Charlotte's story into what we already know very well; I'd never thought about what it'd be like to be a first-year during Deathly Hallows and get that kind of first impression!
Really great story.
So sad....I was crying from the first time she got hurt.... Its sad and touching at the same time!
This was a very well written fic. Often I find that OC stories similar to this one are too cliche and the characters are to shallow to be believable. This came across as very believable, the kind of story that happens all the time but isn't recognised as much. Charlotte was well characterised, however briefly, as the average 12 y.o. girl in the wrong place at the wrong time. Well done.
Wow... just wow... that was really, really good. You have a real way with words, and... oh my goodness that was just chilling. Amazing story!
Hannah... just, wow. This was overwhelming for me and chilling. I actually have goosebumps on my arms right now. I didn't think you were going to let her die, and I am very sad that she did. But you are so right in your explanation for that. Very nice writing, especially for your first story.
That was so sad! But you did such an amazing job writing it, I do like hearing backstories for certain characters and situations, and this was both very good and quite believable! I can see this being the backstory, and the terrible ending, to this little girl's story. She does seem like a Charlotte; since I heard you give her a name, it seemed to fit with me. Of course, it's devestating to think that this helpless, innocent little girl died at the age of twelve, but what is there to do? That's what Voldemort is famous for, and for having the strength to kill her off when it wasn't strictly necessary, that was both unusual and amazing, because you don't know how many authors can't find the strength to do that (even when they REALLY should!) so for that, kudos. Awesome story!
Wow Hannah I loved that! The sequences where she was running around were very well written - my eyes were straining from trying to read too quickly! You write angst very well, and I'll forgive you for the horribly sad ending because I loved it so much. I'll never look at that line in DH the same way.
This was beautiful, heart-wrenching, but beautifule nonetheless. I love how you plotted a complete story out a little quote in DH.
You are an amazing writter! Keep up the good work!
Such a sad tale! I almost cried, it was so horrible that everyone was so concerned for their own safety, they couldn't take three seconds of their own time to make sure the person standing next to them was going to be all right. There is definitely an underlying sadness in this fic that carried over from DH, similar to when Harry came to the Great Hall and saw all the dead.
Well done, well-written, and definitely correctly hyphenated, lol.
Hello, Hannah! As you may or may not have noticed, the SBBC discussed this fic last month, in this thread: http://www.fanfiction.mugglenet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42752 To summarize a few of the points that were made in this discussion…
On the whole, this fic was very impressive. While writing in a world which is so familiar to all of us (because of the narration that we’ve received throughout the HP series) it truly is challenging to step out of that and successfully write in the voice of a character who is unaware of the terrible acts of which Voldemort is capable, and apprehensive about the magical world which she has entered. Charlotte is an extremely believable character, and the way you took this situation of Ginny comforting the little girl and crafted your own story and OC around it was extremely well-done.
In particular, the following passage was very nice: She heard the laughter from her attacker, she heard her own scream pierce the night, audible above all the other battle sounds. The scene in which Charlotte is tortured is both horrible and painful to read [in a good way, of course], because you manage to portray Charlotte’s innocence so that the reader is appalled at the fact that she got caught up in this battle, when she wants nothing to do with it. This passage, in particular, struck almost everyone in the SBBC as a pretty moving scene, so, well done!
One thing that was noticed is that at times, the writing in this story felt rather forced and mechanical. There were some passages that flowed extremely well, but there were also some that relied too much on telling, and not enough showing, to use that phrase. For example, when Charlotte is lost in the castle and navigating through the corridors, there is a lot of excess description there, and the scene may have been more effective if it relied more on Charlotte’s emotions during that time, and less on where Charlotte physically was.
Also, in certain points of this story, it felt like there was too much emphasis being placed on a retelling of DH, rather than Charlotte’s personal story and how it fit into the DH plot. Perhaps there could have been more explained about Charlotte’s backstory, or more anecdotes or allusions to her first year at Hogwarts – these points were touched upon in the beginning of the story, and although the theme of Charlotte’s desperation and innocence carried through until the end, there were a lot of opportunities to include more about how the plot of DH tied into Charlotte’s life, and not the other way around.
But all in all, this was a refreshing read – it had a very unique perspective and an extremely sympathetic OC. The SBBC hopes to read more stories by you in the future!
- Susan Bones' Book Club
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, SBBC :) I was actually following the discussion as it was taking place in the forums. Also, as a forum stalker ;), I would like to say (regarding your most recent discussions) that as an author, I definitely would have come and participated at the end of the discussion of this story, had I been able, so I think it's a good idea to let the authors in, whoever suggested it. It's frustrating to read people talking about your writing and not be able to say anything!
written extremely well. good job! very touching, and very sad. i hate it whn main characters die..... *sniffle*
What an absolutely wonderful fic this is, Hannah. I’m with what you said in your end notes – when I was reading DH, those few lines by the little girl really jumped out to me. It’s one of the parts that just make that book what it is, and I think you’ve done a lovely job at capturing the story behind it.
It’s so different, reading the final battle through the eyes of a twelve year old girl, as opposed to Harry. It makes everything seem so much more real and frightening, because Charlotte isn’t supposed to be there and she has hardly any idea what’s going on. When she’s being tortured, I think the fact that she doesn’t even understand why it’s happening is what makes it all the worse – she doesn’t deserve it. She’s just a little girl. That part really makes the reader realise just how horrifying war can actually be. The magnitude of the pain so many people go through – it’s horrible to try to comprehend.
The beginning is written very well, and it goes along at a nice pace – fast and panicky, but not too much so, as Charlotte hasn’t fully realised what’s happening yet. I was horrified when she got left behind. I knew it was coming, but it just makes me want to scream. Partly because even if that wasn’t how Charlotte stayed at Hogwarts in canon, it would have happened to some of them. :( And I can’t help but feel for Myrtle, who would have no idea what happened to her friend.
However, in the middle where Charlotte is running around Hogwarts but not finding any fighters, you sort of drag it out a bit. There’s … six and a half paragraphs of just Charlotte looking for somewhere to go, and I don’t think you needed anywhere near that much. There’s fast-paced action either side of it, and in those six paragraphs you kind of lose your reader’s attention. You could easily cut that, and have Charlotte running around for the same amount of time, just in fewer words.
Your writing is very descriptive, and I love how you bring across Charlotte’s emotions. Some parts are just beautiful, and really made me feel for her. For example, when she was being tortured: She heard the laughter from her attacker, she heard her own scream pierce the night, audible above all the other battle sounds. That line almost gave me shivers – you captured the whole moment so perfectly. The attacker’s laughter brings home the awfulness that he is actually enjoying this. *shudders*
The ending with Ginny was especially beautiful – as I couldn’t help but think back to DH and remember how Harry perceived them. I can almost feel Charlotte’s agony and yearning to return home, and it makes it all the worse that she’s never going to get there. I don’t think I’ll ever read that part in the same way again, knowing that she dies. Your ending has really showed the futility of the battle and how there would be so many lives torn apart because of silly little things like being left behind.
Thank you for a truly heart-wrenching read, Hannah.
This is the part where Harry is walking out of the grounds under the cloak and Ginny is nursing Charlotte, right? Wow. Beautifully written. At the end I knew precisely who you were writing about.
This was very well written; you really brought Charlotte to life. It fits that she died, though a happy ending is always nice. However, like you said, not everyone has one, and I like that you picked the more unusual route.
I look forward to reading more of your stories.
Oh....this fic was so powerful!! It's sad the Charlotte died....but I suppose there had to be casualties somewhere. Keep writing; I enjoyed it!
This time the curse was a hundred times stronger, the pain felt a hundred times greater, and the scream that escaped her was a hundred times louder.
-This was an amazing use of of the word 'hundred'. You took it beyond its bounds and used it to describe raw agony.
Ohhhh, she died!
Normally not-happily-ever-after endings frustrate me.
But this was different. It told the story of how there can't possibly be a happy ever after for everyone.
It's a sad fact, but you told it in a wonderful, yet very honest way.
This story was wonderful.
This is really good!
I love that you did a story around that quote-- it just about broke my heart when I read it in DH! To start, I love the storytelling-- you write action but it doesn't feel rushed or lacking of anything; every idea moves smoothly into the next, and the emotions are portrayed realistically. I like the dream sequence in the very beginning; it's an interesting lead-in and I can imagine having the same sorts of nightmares if I were a little Hogwarts First Year! Charlotte is a very believable OC, especially when she's questioning if it was wise to decide to be a witch and not just a "normal" person. You just feel for her so deeply; I got the same sick turn in my stomach as Charlotte did when she realizes her wand's upstairs and she's wondering if "[the older students] knew something she didn't." You really show, instead of the heroics and the grandeur of the battle, a little girl's reality, of fright and uncertainty and no assurance of success (especially when she sees Harry Potter, the so-called saviour, is only a "scrawny teenager"!). There's no order, she doesn't know what's going on and just wants to return to the known, to the safety, to the warmth of her home and family. It just seemed so unfair again when she falls through the "wall" and finds herself far away-- and then to find her way back in only to see that the fighting is well underway is terrible. The whole time I was on edge and just as scared (okay, maybe not that scared) as Charlotte. The appearance of Ginny is a bit reassuring until she offers to bring Charlotte inside, which is exactly what she doesn't want, leaving the reader still on-edge and unsure about Charlotte's fate. Gorgeously done; right on my Favorites! (I'm so glad you didn't kill off Charlotte-- I think I would have broken down in tears!)
Brilliant. You are a true writter.
I felt I was really there, running with Charlotte, hoping that she got away. I love the different perspective of what was happening during that battle. She didn't know anything about it, but she died for their war. The writing flowed well and was very descriptive, the last moments of a poor little girl. She seemed as if she had the makings of a true Gryffindor, wishing she was brave enough to fight, if only she had been allowed to grow up. A cruel end for her, but very beautiful.
Author's Response: Thanks for the reivew. I really appreciate your comments and I'm glad you enjoyed it, in spite of the sad ending.