Oh, that was so cute, Heather. :) You’ve done a wonderful job at the shy, nervous ‘I-like-you-but-do-you-like-me?’ relationship between Ron and Hermione; it’s very realistic – and true to canon – and they’re both very much in character. This little piece could have easily slipped into Jo’s world, I think.
I loved the incident with Ron’s shoes. It was such a Ron thing to do, and Harry trying to tell him was hilarious. The bickering between Ron and Hermione was wonderful, as well. You did it perfectly, them being furious at each other and having poor Harry trapped in the middle.
I thought Ron was very well characterised in this fic – how he tries so hard to impress people with his Quidditch playing, and how he exaggerates everything when he’s angry. Calling Hermione ‘the school tart’ was probably going a bit far, in my opinion, but I suppose he was mad. Apart from that little detail, I absolutely loved him. :)
With Harry, though, I think in some parts he’s a little out of character – for example, when he’s comforting Hermione towards the end of the fic. It’s Harry, remember, and when it comes to girls and their feelings he’s completely out of his depth. I think it would have been a little more in-character if he made an awkward attempt to comfort Hermione, or try to tell her something that wouldn’t help at all – I don’t think he would really know what to do with her in tears like that. His temper, especially during Quidditch, was absolutely spot-on, though. It was so funny.
I have a problem with Hermione dating Cormac and kissing him all the time like Ron does with Lavender. I know this is clearly an AU fic, and you can really do what you like with the characters, but I just can’t see Hermione’s character doing that. I don’t think she’d lead someone on just to make Ron jealous – she’s a smarter girl than that. But I suppose it is the basis of your whole fic, and even though it seems a bit of an out of character thing for Hermione to do, she’s still very Hermione-ish throughout the whole story.
Your style of writing is wonderful, dear – you’re very good at description, and your dialogue is amazing, truly. You’ve got how each character speaks down perfect. However, in some parts, your writing just doesn’t flow quite as nicely as it could – your sentences are mostly straight to the point, and just tell the reader what’s happening. Instead of just using words like ‘shocked’ and ‘angry’, you could show and elaborate on what the character’s reaction to things are, and describe it with a bit more detail. And that was very rambly and probably very confusing, so simply – try to show things, rather than just tell them.
The ending was just adorable, dear. It was one of those cute fluffy ones that just make me want to squee with happiness. >.> Harry, being so clueless, and Ron fighting back his smile … sigh. Absolutely fabulous, my dear. Especially the last line. :D I look forward to reading more of your work!
Author's Response: Aw, thank you Jen :) I do struggle with characterization so i'll go back and try to make Hermione and Harry a bit more believable. And also describing things. I'm glad you liked it and thank you for the tips! <3
aweseom story, i did notice one thing however. you say that harry could see hermione and ron in the stands, and if i'm not mistaken, you then say ron was playing quidditch,( as he should be if i'm correct in thinking it's set in half-blood prince time period) so, you may want to fix that. ove the line about splinching.also love the holding hands! greta work!
Oh! Sorry, last review we sent, we thought you were going to keep this story going! Opps! You're a great writer, keep it up!
Author's Response: lol, that's ok :) Thanks for the comment! I have a new story on the way soon, so look out for that:D
Love it! Update soon, please!
aww thats lovely 5 stars 4 u
This was a nice story, Heather, and you've very well caught the bickering moments of Ron and Hermione as well as Harry getting irritated by that. Really good. And the end was very sweet when both held hands with each other under the table. I like the story a lot.
There were some things though that I feel I need to point out:
First, I noticed some dialogue errors. Like in those sentences:
‘Neville!’ He said with a sigh of relief.
‘Everyone come down here quickly!’ He called.
In both sentences, the "He" after the speech must be written in lower case instead of being written with a capital letter. There were one or two more of these sentences in the story.
In the following sentences there is a comma missing. I included them written in bold:
Hermione didn’t see me miss the Quaffle, did she?’
‘So you’ve finally made a start on your potions essay,’ she said when Cormac was gone, ‘well, it’s about time.'
In the second sentence I'd also suggest to put a period behind ...when Cormac was gone. and start with a new sentence: 'Well, it's about time.'
In the following two sentences are several mistakes. I've corrected them, written bold again:
‘Oh yes, and you would know about kissing, wouldn’t you, Hermione?’ spat Ron.
‘What am I jealous of? The fact that you’ve got yourself a reputation as the school tart?’
‘No!’ cried Hermione, ignoring Ron’s comment. ‘Jealous of the fact that I have a boyfriend and that my boyfriend isn’t you!’
I especially like the last sentence where Hermione tells exactly what Ron is jealous of. And you've caught well the silence that spread in the room after Hermione had told this. Wonderful capture of the moment.
And apart from the mistakes I pointed out, the story is really good, Heather. Well done.
Author's Response: Thank you, Bine! I'll go back and correct those right now. Thanks! Glad you liked it =] <3
Aw that was such a nice ending!
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it =]
you are really good at wirting this story made me laugh it was so funny lol
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it =]
hey, this isn't complete!
Author's Response: It is complete =] It's a one-shot i did for a class last term. It ended with Ron and Hermione getting together and Harry being happy. If you ask me, that's complete =] Sorry!
This made me smile! God job!
Author's Response: Thank you =] It was for a Humor Class, so i'm glad it made you smile! :D
this is very funny and a very real representation of what Harry must have felt like during book six. good job!
Author's Response: Thank you! Well when i read the book i did realise Harry didn't express much of an opinion on it, so i did kind of wonder what he must've felt like. Thanks for your comment! =]
I thought your story was great! I liked the action and the snarky dialogue between Ron and Hermione, and I thought Harry's weariness with the entire situation came through very nicely.
This is my favorite bit here:
' ‘Morning, Hermione,’ Harry said gloomily, but just as he greeted Hermione, Ron came along, arm in arm with Lavender Brown, and Hermione suddenly abandoned her toast and embraced Cormac fiercely, causing Ron and Lavender to do the same. Harry picked up a slice of toast and buttered it, wishing he could give Ron a good kick up the – '
It just pretty much says it all about how Harry feels, and how hard Ron and Hermione are working to conceal their true feelings!!
The way this story ended makes me wonder if you're going to add another chapter and get those two to get real and admit that they like one another. That would be excellent!
Author's Response: Thanks Andi! I miight do another chapter at some point but not right now lol. I'm glad you liked that bit! Harry said something like that in Goblet of Fire and it made me laugh lol.rnrnThank you! =]