MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Indigoenigma (Signed) · Date: 06/10/08 22:18 · For: Chapter Two: Of Quidditch And A Certain Slytherin


Hello, my dearest SPEW buddy!

This was a lovely chapter. (Do note that I am reviewing the second chapter, not the most recent one).

I particularly enjoyed your writing style; everything flowed fairly effortlessly and at a nice, quick pace. I didn’t feel the need (not that I would ever do that when reading >.>) to skip sections or merely skim in order to get to the “more interesting” parts.

Rose blushed, and bent over her textbook, pretending to read. Albus and Anna exchanged a quizzical look, neither of them having seen the Slytherin wink at her.

Excellent description, there. You set the scene quite nicely with a minimum of words. I could really envision Rose, blushing behind her schoolbook as the adorable (pardon me) Scorpius winked. A lovely image.

What was really fun for me while reading was comparing your characterization of Scorpius to the rather different characterization that I had even him earlier. “Your” Scorpius (Rose’s, actually) seems quite a lot more sensitive and perhaps slightly younger than mine. I think he fits “your” Rose better than “my” Scorpius.

One of the things that stood out for me about Scorpius was his ability to be somewhat sly. He reminds me of his father with those rather snake-like characteristics. That quick wink sort of demonstrates his more cunning, shall we say, nature. On that note, another similarity between him and his father was that they were both Seeker on the Slytherin House team! Runs in the family, eh? I think that you should perhaps be a little more careful when doling out traits to the next generation characters. In my opinion, there really shouldn’t be too many parallels between Harry’s generation and his children’s. I certainly have noted the differences (since when did Draco read Pride and Prejudice?), but I think that there should be a tad more caution with their characters, especially with regards to quidditch.

Ah, Rose has quite the personality. She reminds me a bit of her father – hot temper and a certain reluctance to share feelings with others (be they friends or…Scorpius). Rose does, though, remind me of her mother. Now, Hermione probably wouldn’t have made that error in Potions, but Rose certainly did. I like the fact that she isn’t a mirror image of her mother or father – she has a nicely blended character.

The prejudice that still exists between the Malfoys and Weasleys seems just as strong as it was when Harry was in school. That was a very interesting touch. It’s not surprising to me, though, that Ron probably hasn’t let his old hatred fade, despite the fact that the Malfoys have probably made public apologies and offered some excuse for supporting Voldmort. I’m interested to see how much of that prejudice Rose (I very nearly typed ‘Juliet’) holds as the relationship between her and Scorpius grows. Also, it just dawned on me that, as this is a ‘Romeo-and-Juliet-ish’ story, the hatred between the two families has to be pretty strong.

I do hope, though, that you don’t go around murdering your characters; I’ve grown rather fond of them.

Overall, I thought that this was an excellent chapter. Your characterization was well-done, your writing style flowed well, and the plot moved at a nice clip. I’m very interested to continue reading and see where you take this.


Author's Response: *squishes* What a fabulous review, Kelly! Thank you so much for all your comments. I'm thrilled that you like my characterisation of Scorpius. I tried so hard to make him a Slytherin, and a Malfoy, but still likeable. I see what you're saying about the Quidditch teams, it's been mentioned a lot. I began this story on a whim, and there are several things that I would change if I rewrote it now, but it's just too much work now! ^_^ And I won't murder my characters, dear, so no need to worry. :] Thank you so much!

Name: MerrryD (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 17:08 · For: Chapter Four: You're Dating Who?
JEN! *squishes* You updated! Yay!

There was one formatting error that I noticed:

‘I have to talk to you, Al,’ Rose said, sitting down cross-legged on the end of his bed. ‘Alone.’

The last part of this was said with an obvious stare at Ben. He didn’t seem to notice, and simply flashed Rose a grin.

I think you hit 'enter' three times after the first sentence instead of just twice. :)

Rose span around in surprise.

Um... I think you meant "spun." I looked up span and it basically means to 1) measure with the hands, 2) to encircle with the hands, 3) to extend over, or 4) to provide with something that extends over.

No more nitpicks. :)

...and I don’t quite fancy having James Potter find out what I’m doing with his baby cousin.’

Don't worry Rose, I laughed too. ;)

James would kill Scorpius if he discovered them, as would Fred, Albus, Hugo, her dad, most of her uncles (if not all), her grandfather, and probably Roxanne too.

I laughed here too. All these males and then Roxanne. teehee.

‘When everything is going wrong, laugh. The world seems a lot better when you’re smiling.’

This is a very grandmother-ly thing to say. It's also a very wise and nice sentiment. I like it.

Unfortunately for Rose, Benjamin Parsons was also in there, doing his homework.

I like how you have Ben cropping up for a few lines every chapter. So many fanfiction authors don't have any minor characters, it's either a major character or the character isn't there at all. Good job in keeping the minor characters alive!

At least it’s not Parsons—

I agree Albus, he is annoying. :p

I’m great, Winky

WINKY!! :D I love her (well, all house-elfs really)! I'm glad that she's moved on and is now a happy house-elf.

'You’re so beautiful,’ he murmured.

Aww. This whole paragraph was really sweet and cute and nice. It made me want to have a boyfriend to hold me like that.

I just don’t know if I can ruin their Christmas like that.

Ouch! She is right though... The Weasley's and the Potter's are just as prejudice, if not more, than the Malfoy's. -sighs sadly- 'Tis the story of the world. 'It's okay if I'm prejudice because I'm only prejudice against the bad guys and everyone associated with them.' >.< Grr.

Okay. Sorry. Back to your story (which is excellent, by the way).

It did strike her as a little hypocritical of him to not want his family to know, but Rose decided to let it slide for the time being.

I do understand him though. The Weasley/Potter clan will probably be a lot more accepting and welcoming than the Malfoys, once they get over that inital shock.

‘Yeah, I remember Dad mentioning it once,’ Scorpius said.

In a story that included flying mud? heeheehee.

After waking up the Fat Lady...

Didn't Mrs. Weasley say something about coming back late from a date? Like mother, like daughter.

Great chapter! I can't wait for the next one!



Author's Response: Aw! Thanks, Mere! Your comments all made me smile. I love reviews like this. I'll fix the nitpicks as soon as I get some spare time. *hugs* Thanks again!

Name: cat and otter (Signed) · Date: 06/06/08 2:32 · For: Chapter Four: You're Dating Who?
YAY!! You updated! This is another really great chapter, and it's started to get really interesting now that they're actually together. well done, and keep up the good work- I love this story!

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying it. :]

Name: Lily_Luna_Potter (Signed) · Date: 06/05/08 17:40 · For: Chapter One: The Book That Changed Everything
I like this love story quite a lot! It's so romantic and sweet. Please keep writing and don't stop until you have at least ten chapters.

Author's Response: Haha, I've just started chapter nine, and it will probably be around 15 - 20 chapters all up. Thanks for the review!

Name: snpdrgn (Signed) · Date: 06/05/08 13:43 · For: Chapter Four: You're Dating Who?
Great story!  I wonder how Ron is going to take the news?

Author's Response: You'll have to wait and see! Thanks for reviewing.

Name: MissHufflepuff (Signed) · Date: 06/05/08 13:35 · For: Chapter Four: You're Dating Who?
ohhhh, I can't wait to read what the Weasley/Potter reaction is going to be, especially Ron's. No daddy likes their little girl's boyfriend, so this should be really good. Please update soon.

Author's Response: Thansk for the review! It shall be interesting, shan't it? :]

Name: eragonlvr112 (Signed) · Date: 05/31/08 21:25 · For: Chapter Three: Hogsmeade Can Be More Interesting Than You’d Expect
Please, please, pretty please update? I promise I'll eat all my veggies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author's Response: You should anyway! :] And I just submitted chapter 4 the other day, so it shouldn't be long now.

Name: lucilla_pauie (Signed) · Date: 05/25/08 3:24 · For: Chapter Three: Hogsmeade Can Be More Interesting Than You’d Expect
My twin is SPEW featured author! *hugs*

Let me get this out of the way first, my dear Jen. I can't help noticing your narration is too bland and stark. The dialogue is very natural. You have a knack for popping in little jokes in the Weasleys' exhanges. But the narration, which is told mostly from Rose's POV, can do with some color and creativity. For instance, there are many ways in which you can better tell us that it's cold outside and that Rose can't help thinking about Scorpius, in lieu of just saying that as is... Rose is a reader, and she's Ron and Hermione's daughter, so I expect she can and will use analogy and euphemisms at the drop of a hat.

Now then, as I made my notes for this story's review, on the top spot is "endearing rendering of the Weasley cousins". The teasing, the sympathy, the loyalty, the protectiveness. The fun. Their individual and blanket quirks.

I also liked your Quidditch. The commentary, especially. You almost make this read like the original.

So many familiar names, with their familiar traits. They triggered nostalgia, and made me pick up the Harry Potter books again after being immersed in Meyer. ^_^

Next in my notes: "young love". The secret glances, and the inability to look away. The blushing. The dysfunctional heartbeat. The mooning. And of course, the star-crossed lovers. All here. There's even a parallel pairing in the works, eh? And what alliteration their names are. *wink*

I find it fitting that you threw in Pride and Prejudice as a tool and a subtle symbol as well, of Rose and Scorpius. Am I right? I've originally applied this concept to Dramione, even earned points for pointing it out in a discussion thread at the Forums (Mr Darcy is such a lucky charm) but it also applies to Rose and Scorpius, with the delight of not straying from canon. That's one of the attraction of NextGen, isn't it?

The prejudice is rife on both sides (the Weasleys here, Selina there), and the pride... I suppose it is well on its way... now that the first kiss has been delivered. Woot.

That is so sad about Scorpius. Draco himself had been loved, too much and unhealthily so-- in the wrong aspects. Scorpius being neglected somehow agrees with the way some families grow. For instance, some parents who came from deprived childhoods often smother their children with affection and care. I can easily see how Draco, spoiled, thought it good to let his son taste some rejection from his wife.

Or else I expect retribution for Astoria.

So far, I see Rose representing warmth, coming as she does from a family of love. Scorpius can either shy away overwhelmed from that, or, as your title suggests, willingly and happily collide with it.


Author's Response: Joanna! Thank you for all your lovely comments and criticisms, dear. I will try to work on my narration. It's the thing I've always had the most trouble with. Dialogue comes easily, but I always struggle to make my narration more descriptive. Thanks for pointing it out, I'll try to improve it in the next few chapters. Anyway, thank you again for this fabulous review! :]

Name: Elfgal (Signed) · Date: 05/23/08 20:08 · For: Chapter One: The Book That Changed Everything
Cool. Rose/Scorpius is the best paring, anyway.

Author's Response: It is, isn't it? :]

Name: Lucky_13_Girl (Signed) · Date: 05/18/08 12:05 · For: Chapter Three: Hogsmeade Can Be More Interesting Than You’d Expect
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE UPDATE!!!!! I understand the people being slow or busy, though.

Author's Response: No, it's not the mods. I've been busy, and I'm trying to get a chapter of my other WIP through the queue first. Please be patient. These types of reviews won't make me update any faster.

Name: eragonlvr112 (Signed) · Date: 05/13/08 21:37 · For: Chapter Three: Hogsmeade Can Be More Interesting Than You’d Expect
Please, Please, PLEASE post the next chapter quick! I absolutely love this little fic, it's bloody amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author's Response: Um ... thanks! I was going to wait until I got a chapter of my other WIP up before I updated this one, but I think that might be a while now. :] It won't be long, I promise.

Name: Fantasium (Signed) · Date: 05/01/08 14:27 · For: Chapter One: The Book That Changed Everything
So, I gather that this fic is intended to distract your readers while we wait for a Love Is Just Hate With A Smile update? Well, then I guess I shall have to read it. ;)

It’s quite a jump from Marauder Era to Next Generation fic, but I can tell you at once that I enjoyed this, too. The stories are quite different, in terms of language. The feeling I get is that you put a lot of thought and effort into Love Is Just Hate etc., whereas When Worlds Collide (at least its first chapter) is more of a… recreational writing project for you. I still recognise your lovely style here, but it’s more relaxed, somehow, like you’re less concerned with your words and more with sharing the story. This isn’t critique or praise, but just an observation. :)

My favourite thing about Next Generation fics are all the possibilities offered by the Weasley/Potter family dynamics. You’ve used this well, I think, both creating a very strong bond and sense of togetherness, but also used the large number of relatives to emphasise on the difference in some of them – Albus, who’s not too keen on Quidditch, for example.

Speaking of Quidditch, I’m a little torn about the whole Gryffindor team being made up by Weasleys and Potters. Firstly, I’m curious to know if all eleven of them were sorted into Gryffindor? If they are, I’m not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, yes, all seven of Molly’s and Arthur’s children were in Gryffindor, so it’s not completely unlikely that all of their grandchildren also would be. But at the same time it’s a little predictable – wouldn’t it have been more interesting if a few of them, or maybe just one, was in a different House? If some of them actually are, in your fic, I think it would have been great to point this out. ;) And as for the Quidditch team – again, it’s not unlikely that the best players in Gryffindor would be all Weasleys and Potters, but perhaps you should have added something about how the flying teacher (Madam Hooch, still?) had to help out with try-outs, or James would have been accused of being biased?

‘About time,’ he said, looking at his watch. ‘What do you do up there every morning?’ - I really like what you’ve shown us of your interpretation of Albus. While he’s not into Quidditch and not so forward, he’s still very boyish, I think. He reminds me very much of Harry, but not in an obvious and cliché way. I hope this likeness is something you’re going to continue playing on in this lovely, subtle manner. And, I simply must tell you how much I giggled at the scene where his reciting of the potion ingredients was mistaken for chivalry – very sweet and funny, and excellent dialogue!

Rose turned to see Fred standing there. He was Head Boy, much to his father’s dismay. - lol! Again, I’m torn. Of course, George would put on a humorously displeased face if his son became Head Boy, and the fact that you mention this makes me want to keep it in the story. But at the same time I think it would be advisable not to let the Weasleys/Potters be everything - Quidditch team, Prefects, Head Boy.

‘No, I just want to kill Ravenclaw!’ James said, putting his head between them and making both girls jump. ‘Be there or I’ll kick you off the team.’ - Hee. I know that we only had the briefest of glimpses of the Next Generation characters in the DH epilogue, but somehow this James is still perfectly in character with the impression I got of him on those few pages. I picture him as very confident, and I’m sure that he’ll be a Quidditch Captain even more maniac than Oliver Wood.

The Slug Club was still going, and Rose and Albus both were members of it. - I really like that Slughorn is still around; by some canon characters we know better, you give yourself lots of opportunities to tie your story closer to Jo’s works. And when Slughorn is still around, I of course expect the Slug Club to be, too, so I’m not sure why I’m not entirely happy with the sentence I’ve quoted here. Perhaps it could be a little more detailed? Sort of like, ‘Even though he frequently complained about rheumatic pains and old war wounds, Professor Slughorn still had enough energy left to keep his notorious Slug Club running; Rose and Albus were both slightly reluctant members.’ Because, while I think the Slug Club might be interesting sometimes, I think you need to give your characters the credit of not being overly excited about it.

I feel that I need to pause here and talk about Rose herself – she is, after all, your chosen main character. I really, really like the voice you’ve found for her, and how you define her through her relationships with friends and family. I’m also pleased to see that she has a burning and genuine interest in Quidditch; girls are always more fun like that, I think, if they’re truly interested in a sport, as opposed to the boys who play it. ;) Rose seems like a confident young lady and good student, and I think you have her in the perfect place for a little unsettling interaction with Scorpius.

Now, about Scorpius… She thought he would know better than to put a Weasley with a Malfoy. Their families were enemies, for Merlin’s sake! - I’d advise you to be very, very careful about the “enemies” part, there. Yes, we can judge from Ron’s word at in the DH epilogue that the families aren’t exactly best buddies, but other than in a joking manner, I don’t think any of the grown-ups would be hostile. So, while I completely agree that the Weasleys wouldn’t be on the best terms with Scorpius and his mates at Hogwarts (there’s always House rivalry, if nothing else), I’m not sure that Rose would say that their “families” are enemies – this seems to imply that the grown-ups also are, especially since Scorpius has no siblings.

Yes, let’s talk more about Scorpius! When I read your story, I realise what an immensely interesting character he can be. Somehow I get the feeling of reversed roles here – before, Draco was always confident, the one who always had someone behind him, while Harry was more of a loner, even with Ron and Hermione. In this fic, his niece is the confident one, with a big family and may friends to back her up, while Draco’s son might be the loner. Might be – depending on what you’re going to make of him, which I’m very interested in!

Scorpius looked a lot like his father with his blonde hair and grey eyes, but his face was less pointed than Draco’s, and his hair looked a lot more lived in. It spiked out all over the place, unlike his father’s. Also, despite the seemingly permanent smirk, he seemed friendlier.

Rose took this all back the next second though as he looked up at her.
- At first I wasn’t going to comment on this, but when I saw the “Rose took this all back” part, I felt that I should. You frequently compare the “new” characters to the ones we know – their parents. This makes a lot of sense to do in a narrator’s voice, as all of your readers know who you’re talking about, but I very much doubt that Rose would be comparing Scorpius to his father, at least not to this extent, which it sounds like she is here. Just something to think about. :)

‘Scorpius, I don’t know how you can stand to be near her,’ she began. They both ignored her, so she persisted. ‘I mean, she’s such a filthy little blood traitor, and a Weasley, of all things.’ - Ah, here I am with my “be careful”-finger, again. I don’t think that the Weasleys would be overly popular among the pure-bloods, but I also think that with their triumphs in the war, people might not show their dislike so clearly. At the very least, I think that Selina should have whispered or hissed her opinions, so that Slughorn was sure not to hear. He might be the Head of Slytherin (?), but I still think that he’d be likely to dock some points if someone was rude to one of his Slug Club members.

And, aha! In my notes, I have now arrived at the book that your chapter title refers to! And again I am torn; it is truly a lovely book, one that most of your readers will know and therefore you can use it in your writing. But on the other hand, using it seems a bit unoriginal. Perhaps I feel that way because I’ve read other fanfic where that very novel played a vital part, or maybe it’s because of the Jane Austen hype that we’ve had over the past few years. I know that you have two more chapters submitted, so obviously I’m not saying that you should change the book – but maybe it’s something to think about for future fics of yours? It’s a difficult balance, trying to work with things that your readers will recognise and relate to, but without writing something that they’ve seen before.

Bloody Scorpius and his stupid reading habits. - And so we reach the end of the chapter! You’ve managed to round it off very nicely, and I love how Rose seems to tell herself that the only thing that concerns her about Scorpius is his reading habits. This truly is a very interesting ship, with all the history of their parents and differences in family situations. I will definitely return to read the following chapters, though I promise that my reviews won’t be so exhaustingly long. ;) Good job, Jennifer!

Author's Response: I read this review ages ago, and thought I responded to it. >.< Obviously not.rnrnrnrnAnyway, thank you for all your lovely comments and constructive criticism. You’re right, this fic wasn’t as well thought out as Love Is Just Hate With A Smile; I wrote it on a whim one day and it evolved. :] I think that’s why there are so many clichés and things that could have been thought through more, like you pointed out. But I’m glad you like it. :] Thanks again, Anna!

Name: cat and otter (Signed) · Date: 04/30/08 2:23 · For: Chapter Three: Hogsmeade Can Be More Interesting Than You’d Expect
PLEASE UPDATE!!!!!!!!! I really love this story! Great job!

Author's Response: Thanks! I will update soon, don't worry!

Name: Winnyy (Signed) · Date: 04/28/08 15:08 · For: Chapter Three: Hogsmeade Can Be More Interesting Than You’d Expect
This is soo great!
I love New Gen fanfics!

Author's Response: Lol, thanks. I am writing more, I'm currently in chapter nine. The next chapter of this will be up soon, but I want to get a chapter of my other WIP up first. Thanks for the review, anyway, dear!

Name: Winnyy (Signed) · Date: 04/28/08 15:04 · For: Chapter One: The Book That Changed Everything

Author's Response: Thanks!

Name: MerrryD (Signed) · Date: 04/28/08 14:53 · For: Chapter Three: Hogsmeade Can Be More Interesting Than You’d Expect
Hello, Jen (agian!) I really can't stay away from your story. It's addicting. lol.

... and her heart was beating so fast she wouldn’t have been surprised if her friends could hear it.

You used this almost exact phrase in the last chapter. Not that there's anything wrong with that really, just that you might want to vary it up a bit. I would suggest using words like thumping, erratic, wildly, sporadically, unevenly, quickly, etc.

...and all four of them turned to see their Aunt Angelina.

This doesn't make sense. Anna isn't related to the Weasleys and George wouldn't marry his aunt. Instead you could say, "...and all four of them turned to see Rose and Albus's Aunt Angelina.

Done nitpicking, now on the fun stuff! lol.

...making her heart skip a beat and her brain whirl with excitement.

I love this description. I can clearly see that in my head.

He would never want to date her in a million years...

Then why does he keep staring at you, Rose? meheh. I love how you do this. Rose will think a thought that is perfectly normal and it makes sense that she would be thinking it, but we, the readers, know better. Like, in this case, we know that Scorpius wants likes her and wants to date her. I like reacting to these thoughts, and later I can just be like, "See! I told you so!" (Yes... I talk to your story. haha.)

When Rose woke up, I first thought that you were going to have Scorpius meet her. I am so glad you didn't. The way you did it was much better. :D I like her imagining the scene though, and the line about the romantic fairytale.

Rose knew roughly where the Slytherin Common Room was, and she looked there now, wondering whether, if she stared hard enough, she would be able to see him in his bed.

What?!? All that pranking and she doesn't know where the Slytherin Common Room is?? Who does she pull pranks on? lol. Maybe I've read one too many MWPP stories with the Marauders going in the Slytherin common room.

I like the bit about her staring hard and being able to see Scorpius in bed. haha. Of course, my dirty mind got to where she got a little faster. haha.

I love the conversation between Rose and Molly. It shows just how many Weasleys there actually are. And it shows what kind of person Rose is. It was fun to read too.

Albus didn’t say anything, and instead took a swig of his Butterbeer.

Do I smell an Anna/Albus thing happening here?

Aww... poor Scorpius. He would have a rough childhood. I think you explained it nicely. I'm glad he doesn't use his misfortune as an exuse to treat other people badly. *cough*Draco*cough*

AWW! The ending was really sweet.

I LOVE the way you write. I'm so insanely jealous of it actually. heheheh. Joking, joking... maybe. Anyway, I could see everything perfectly in my head. It was like I was watching a movie. I always knew exactly where everyone was and what the were doing. It was great!

*sigh* I've reached the end of all the chapters you've submitted. Which is good, my Bio lab is calling. x/ I can't wait for more!


Author's Response: Another amazing review. Have you ever considered applying for SPEW, dear? :] I'm in a hurry now, but thank you again, and I will fix the nitpicks soon. Every single one of your comments makes me smile, even the one about you having a dirty mind. Just wait 'til chapter eight, love. ;) As for Anna/Albus, you'll have to wait and see. It's a possibilty, isn't it? *hugs*

Name: MerrryD (Signed) · Date: 04/28/08 13:17 · For: Chapter Two: Of Quidditch And A Certain Slytherin
Hey, Jen! Your story was soo good, I just couldn't stay away. :]

Rose was a little nervous, but she had gotten used to it after four years of playing Quidditch.

Rose is a fifth year, right? When I read this it sounded like you meant that she's been playing Quidditch during her entire Hogwart's career. If that's what you meant, then... well, it shouldn't be what you meant. Harry was on the team his first year, yes, but he was the first in a century. I doubt his niece would be a first year on the team too.

She hadn’t realised they had that high a score, but she needed to find the Snitch to secure their win.

The word "of" should be between "high" and "a". I think the second part of the sentance would make more sense if you said "...but she still needed..."

Ehh... I hate to say this, but right now Rose seems like a Mary-Sue. I hope that we'll see some of her faults soon.

That's all of my nitpicks!

It wasn’t a cliché. It was fate.

I meant to comment on this earlier. I love that line. It really pulled me into the story.

'We can’t afford to lose this one, you know.’

Wow. That's encouraging. /sarcasm
Actually, I think that's brilliant. That's exactly what a friend/cousin would say.

She could hear Craig Jordan, one of James’s friends, doing the commentary.

I love that you made Lee Jordan's son the commenator and that you gave him a little of Lee's personality. Just don't forget to have someone yelling at him like McGonagall did his father. haha.

...her golden-brown hair almost suffocating Rose.

I love the picture I get from this. Yay for details!

Rose found herself thinking how easy it was to fool everyone with this, but then she caught herself.

Isn't awful when our thoughts betray us? This is the first time I really felt myself relating to Rose. It's great. I love how these thoughts continue all the through the rest of the chapter.

The voice was right - she fancied Scorpius Malfoy.

Those little voices are always right. This line is a good ending. A little cliffie, to keep us begging for more, but it summed up the chapter nicely.

I love the beginning where Rose and Scorpius would steal looks at each other and stuff. It really shows their relationship well.


Author's Response: Thanks again, Mere! I'll get around to fixing those nitpicks soon. :] And I know what you're saying about the Mary-Sue, I've heard it from a few people now. But I kind of wanted people to see Rose like that to start with. She had this seemingly perfect life, but then Scorpius brings out a whole other side to her personality. Keep reading and you'll see what I mean. :] Jen xoxo

Name: MerrryD (Signed) · Date: 04/28/08 11:18 · For: Chapter One: The Book That Changed Everything
*hits head on desk*
Sorry, Jen, you didn't spell "metre" wrong. I'm American and so's my dictionary. I just realized that it was probably British, so I dictionary.com-ed it, and it was. Sorry, love. My bad.


Author's Response: I responded to the other review before I read this one. >.< Thanks anyway, hun. :]

Name: MerrryD (Signed) · Date: 04/28/08 10:54 · For: Chapter One: The Book That Changed Everything
Hi, Jen! Great chapter!

Rose smiled at her cousin sympathetically as Albus moved tables to work with the Slytherin boy who was about a metre taller than him.

You misspelled "meter" in this sentance.

Also, despite the seemingly permanent smirk, he seemed friendlier.

You used two different forms of "seem" in one sentance. There isn't really a problem with it, just I think that it would flow better if you changed one. For example, it could read, "Also, depsite the apparently permanent smirk, he seemed friendlier." Or you could say, "Also, despite the seemlingly pernanent smirk, he looked friendlier."

‘Pride and Prejudice?’ he asked as she stuffed the worn paperback into her bag. Rose went even redder, and muttered defensively, ‘It’s a good book!’

When a different person speaks, there should be a new paragraph. "Rose went even redder, and muttered defensively,'It's a good book!'" should be its own paragraph.

Okay, that's all my nitpicky stuff. lol.

Rose chucked the crust of her toast at him.

I love the word "chuck." Brownie points to you for using it. :) I'll probably point out everytime you use it, just 'cause I adore that word. haha. I also just like this line. It made me laugh.

Rose often felt sorry for Fred and his sixteen-year-old sister Roxanne, who both had to be taught by their mother.

I know how Fred and Roxie feel! *groans* Well, not yet, but I will. My mom is going to be my English teacher. *hits head on desk*

I like how you used this line to show how Roxie and Fred are related and who George married. It's very creative.

‘You heard me. Over there with Scorpius, m’dear.’ Slughorn shooed her over to a corner and continued his list.

Poor Slughorn. Everything happens when he decides to switch partners around. haha. Good job with characterizing him too.

Is Scorpious in the Slug Club too? Just wondering.

...even though her ears were going red.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE how you gave her this trait of Ron's. It just makes it so much more believable that she is Ron's daughter.

‘I know it is,’ Scorpius said. ‘I’ve read it.’

I like how Scorpius has read Pride and Prejudice, it makes him seem appear like a much nicer and more tolerant person than his dear old Daddy.

What was the big deal?

It's not a big deal, Rose. You're just falling in love with a Malfoy. haha. Sorry, I had a sudden impluse to answer that.

I like the ending, with all the swearing to Merlin stuff. haha.


Author's Response: Wow, what an amazing review, Mere. Thank you so much. I will fix the nitpicks you pointed out, but 'meter' is the American spelling, and I'm not American. :] 'Metre' is the British spelling. I'm really glad you're enjoying it, though! *hugs* Jen

Name: pandafan81 (Signed) · Date: 04/28/08 2:39 · For: Chapter One: The Book That Changed Everything
Ha ha ha ha, so you had me at the line:
It wasn’t a cliché. It was fate.

This has to be worth something if you're so audacious to put that in your summary!

Hello Jennifer dear! This would be the practically invisible Amanda. But just because life makes an invisibility cloak for me, my SPEWlies are not forgotten! So here I am humbly making a penance in review form. What can I say? Can't resist an author who states that Tegan and Sara is one of their favorite bands in their bio!

I'm quite intrigued by your Romeo and Juliet-esque theme you seem to be working with here with Rose and Scorpius romance. I look forward to diving in. Just so you know, I tend to review as I go along. So I can point out stuff as I find it: typos, sentence structure, and stuff I really like too! So if I state something that you obviously have resolved later in the story that's probably why.... Anyway, moving on...

I'm stopping about a third of the way through the page and I just need to make a few comments:
-First be careful with the character clichés. You definitely don't want Rose to become a Mary Sue. She can't be perfect at everything, including prank pulling, Quidditch and intelligence. Now, I'm not saying she can't be these, her intelligence might be what fuels her pranks (like the twins) and she may be a great Quidditch player, but she can't have inherited all the best qualities of her family members.
-Again, be careful of clichés in details. The fact that only Potters and Weasleys are on the Quidditch team is a bit much. Not every Weasley is going to be a fabulous Quidditch player. To our knowledge Percy never played (probably never played well and couldn't stand the twins...) and Ron had his faults for sure. I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but it seems kind of impartial that the school would allow all of the members of one family make up the entire team. Just a thought
-I've checked the Lexicon and can't seem to find a physical description of Albus, and I don't have access to my DH at the moment. But if you are going to say that he looks so much like his father (as I believe DH says he does) then his hair needs to be black, not brown. That's what I hate about movie!Harry his hair and eyes aren't right and they're so important to the story... blah blah, enough from me.
None of these are too serious, but they are food for thought when developing character for our characters.

Quick fix:
Rose spread honey over her toast, and leaned over Lily’s shoulder to see the newspaper.
You used "over" twice in this sentence. Not that that's bad, but you could switch it up a bit to make is flow... "Rose spread honey on her toast..." Or something to that end

Okay, I was going to comment on Rose also being a Prefect, but I do like that Fred (being George's son obviously) would end up being Head Boy as most amusing. So I will ignore it for now and just enjoy.

Hmmm... Scorpius has read Pride and Prejudice. So maybe Draco doesn't run quite so strict anti-muggle home as his father did. However this is a fine line, be careful not to make him too familiar with the Muggle world, but not so Pure-blood extreme as Selina. It's a hard road to travel so just be careful.
I did enjoy the dialogue, it didn't seem forced or fake. Natural, like how normal people who don't really get along would speak.

The end with the cousins was quite interesting I liked the dialogue between the girls and how they overreacted. I especially liked the ending:
She had been distracted for a couple of minutes at Quidditch training, and now her entire family would think she had a secret boyfriend. Bloody Scorpius and his stupid reading habits.

I like your style of writing. You get to the point without huge run-on sentences (like I obviously do!) or convoluted paragraphs of descriptions. But again, I warn you to steer clear of those character clichés. Writing the second Weasley and Potter generation is hard, because there obviously is going to be a lot of them, but do keep in mind that you are will have both similarities and differences from your parents. The Weasley kids are going to be the same, they're not all going to be just like the Weasleys we know and love.

Excellent use of humor and the timing was good. Hopefully you don't rush the romance and I think you'll have a great story on your hands. I look forward to seeing where you take this!


Author's Response:

Hi, Amanda! I remember chatting with you ages ago, but I haven’t really spoken to you since. It’s good to see another Tegan and Sara fan, though. :]


Thanks for your constructive criticism, but I don’t believe Rose is a Mary-Sue. My beta said she came across as one in the first chapter, but she has her faults as well. She inherited her father’s quick temper, she holds grudges and she is way too much of a perfectionist. I’ll fix the typo for Albus, though. Harry’s hair is brown, isn’t it. *headdesk*


I will be careful to stay away from character clichés. I’ve written up to about chapter eight now, and I’m quite proud of how they’ve turned out, if I say so myself. :]


Thank you for your charming review, Amanda. I’m taking everything you said on board, and I’ll fix the mistakes. *hugs back*




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