This was a really interesting opening chapter. I thought style and tone are particularly effective as you have really mastered the informality that comes with writing a diary and the fact that it is something personal to the writer rather than something that should ever be read. I liked the little added quirks, such as using strikeouts to show her real thoughts before she corrected them. Also, all the sentences still made sense once the strikeouts were removed which was good as it allowed the story to keep flowing. I also thought the way in which she addressed the diary as 'you' was good because it showed how personal and special the diary is to her.
While the style was good and an interesting one to use, you didn't let it interfere with the plot and still started to present a good story. I like the development of the relationship, with Emma initially determined to believe that she hates Regulus but gradually revealing her true feelings, while he acted like the traditional schoolboy idiot.
You had obviously thought about the characterisation, particularly of Emma, which is important as when an OC is the focus of a story they need to have a strong foundation. I felt she was strong and that I have already learnt enough about her to make me interested in her, such as the fact that she is a half-blood and also in Slytherin, as well as picking up little hints about her mother which makes me want to learn more. However, I had a few doubts about the other girls in the carriage particularly in the paragraph beginning, I looked away from Rita, towards her friends. as I felt that for the time and the age of the girls (fifteen if they are fifth-years) their actions were just a little too pushy and not quite realistic. However, that is only my perception of it. Another little nitpick is this sentence here: “How cute, Lovett and Regulus are flirting,” Rita, I believe is her name, gushed. It seems strange that Emma would not know the name of one her housemates by the time she reached fifth-year and for the rest of the chapter she seems to already know a bit about the girl. Therefore I don't think the 'I believe is her name' is really needed here.
Technically the chapter was good but there are a few places where commas are missing before direct address such as here: “So, what are you writing about Lovett? where there should be a comma before Lovett.
Overall this is a strong start and was a really interesting read.
This is really good! I love Emma's character.
"We wear uniforms. You do not need to pick an outfit. " Lol! That is going on my MSN name... I love sarcasm.
Love the story! Hope you update soon!
I'm glad you liked it! Yeah, I'll probably mention Sirius pretty soon. And... yes. For this story anyway, Sirius is in 7th year. Chapter two is coming soon!
I loved this! XD
Is there ever gonna be any mention of Sirius?
He would of been in 7th year, right...? XD
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! Yeah, I'll probably mention Sirius pretty soon. And... yes. For this story anyway, Sirius is in 7th year. Chapter two is coming soon!rnrn~Bella
Please update ASAP. I'm really looking forward to reading more and I love the character of Emma and the way she describes her interaction with Regulus. I love the thought of a diary, but would also like it if you included flashbacks or little snippets of her in the moment. Then, you could have her talking about what she would have done differently. But of course you don't have to do this, just a thought. I love the story just the way it is.
Author's Response: YAY! I'm really glad you like her and the story! I'm gonna try to update at least once a month, hopefully more. I actually really like that idea. That way, you could see more of Emma's transition to her sarcastic self from her shy, scared little girl-ness. I may have to try that! Thanks for the idea!rnrn~Bella
I LIKE! More syllables to follow as the story progresses... Wouldn't want to gush.
Keep it going.
Author's Response: Thank you!rnrn~Bella
lovett, huh? Sweeney todd fan?
Author's Response: Yep, best movie ever.
That was lovely! I really liked how way awesome Emma is, and the entire thing was funny without being stupid. I liked how she kept crossing out stuff XD Can't wait to read the rest
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you like Emma! And I'm glad you don't think its stupid! *big grin* Thanks for the review!rnrn~Bella
Aw, lovely, Bella! Really funny in places! :D Look forward to more...
Author's Response: Thank you! I'll have chapter two up.... When my brain stops being on strike. Glad you like it!rnrn~Bella