MuggleNet Fan Fiction
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Name: Charles Sinclair (Signed) · Date: 10/10/08 3:32 · For: Chapter 6- Death Eater Boyfriend
I’m glad that you got “death eater boyfriend” up before the que closed, and am now checking and re-checking for the next chapter…

I’ve realized another thing that I really prize in your writing – you always have so many loose ends the works. In somewhat narrow, plot driven focus of many books and t.v. shows, these periphery references to outside events are wonderful. They just dangle, present yet unapparent as the reader is just left speculating. This then offers so many directions in which you may move e.g.
- what did James and Sirus do to make Remus insist upon the change of seating arrangements?
- does Severus maybe build up a friendly acquaintance with the ravenpuffs?
- ‘It was Black, interestingly enough. “It can cause nerve damage that can’t be repaired,” he stated, uncharacteristically soberly. “And madness. It can cause madness.”’ What was the nature of the scene in which Sirus became aware of this?
This all contributes greatly to the realism of your writing.

Your certainly right about it being the ambiguity that is so engrossing. I always found Voldemort an particually odd sort of a villain as he seemed so very inhumanly, unambiguously, disinterestedly “wicked”. In something so wholley alien its difficult to respond with dislike, or any fierce sentiment at all. Conversely, it’s comparatively easy to hatred for Dolores, contempt for Peter etc.

Again, I’m really looking forward to the next chapter. My new fav line is ‘and harder to create Latin incantations for. Why were so many Wizarding incantations derived from a language that possessed a one-word verb for “to run someone through with a sword?”’

Author's Response: Hello again-- I am re-reading the next chapter for last-minute changes, so I'll submit it soon. Nice one noticing the loose ends. :) They're one of the things I love about the real JKR Harry Potter works-- I remember re-reading the first book and having Hagrid's passing reference to borrowing his motorcycle from "young Sirius Black" suddenly coming alive for me, and now that the seventh one has completed the series, there are so many seemingly inconsequential bits and pieces that are actually important or that I can see in a whole new light. I completely agree with you about Voldemort being so one-dimensionally evil that he's not that interesting relative to many of the other characters. Given the info on his childhood that we get, he seems like he's always been a sociopath and that's about it. There are fanfics that flesh him out and make him more intriguing-- I really liked one about himself and a smart, sarcastic girl who happens to be Eileen Prince (Snape)'s sister, More Than a Game, I believe-- it keeps him appropriately sociopathic and yet allows him to be a bit more human and comprehensible. But back to the canon Voldemort-- I read a review once (unfortunately, I don't remember where) that points out that Voldemort is so unambiguously evil that Snape is a much more interesting character for Harry to love to hate. The same goes for Dolores Umbridge, Peter Pettigrew, etc., just like you said. Anyway, I think that ambiguity is part of who Severus Snape is, and not something that he can just erase-- even for Lily. He certainly hadn't by the time of his death at 38 in JKR's works, not even after 17 years of being on Dumbledore's side for Lily's sake. Anyway, thank you again for a helpful, interesting (and long) review. :) They really help with writing this. Anya

Name: Sariana (Signed) · Date: 09/22/08 18:19 · For: Chapter 5- A Fairly Useless Lesson
Ah, thank you for the explanation. Just a suggestion: It would be more clear if Llewellyn said, "You're Severus, is that correct?" if you want to keep the more formal style.

Author's Response: I will change that when I upload Chapter Seven! Thanks very much-- that's much more how he would ask it. :) Anya

Name: Sariana (Signed) · Date: 09/18/08 1:29 · For: Chapter 6- Death Eater Boyfriend
Oh, bonus! I just reviewed the previous chapter without realizing you had already posted the next one.

I am curious as to where you are from. You seem to have a much keener insight into the Nazi movement and its social implications than most Americans.

Your story is amazingly realistic. It is difficult enough being a teenager and navigating life's social circles. You have captured that turmoil perfectly. But these teenagers are also dealing with a real threat and life-and-death choices. You have captured that anxiety perfectly as well.

Excellent work.

Author's Response: Thanks so much, again, and sorry it has taken me so long to reply-- I've been really busy. I'm basically American (we've been here almost my entire life), but my parents are European-- I think I'm just well-read about history. It was one of my majors in college, and I continue to read in the subject as much as my free time allows. Finally, that's a relief that Severus and Lily are coming off as realistic for smart teenagers in troubled times, so thanks for letting me know. He in particular is challenging to write because he's so much younger than the Professor we know and love, :) and also because his story has taken a bit of a twist. Thanks again-- I'll have another chapter up soon. Anya

Name: Sariana (Signed) · Date: 09/18/08 1:10 · For: Chapter 5- A Fairly Useless Lesson
Sorry it took me so long to get to this chapter. I got the update a while ago but wasn't able to read and reply until tonight.

I really like how you get inside Severus's head. His thoughts and feelings all seem perfectly in character here.

I was confused by the exchange at the end of the first class, though. Llewellyn asks Severus "Is that correct?" and Severus nods. What are they referring to? Is what correct? I feel so harebrained, but I just don't understand.

So, where was Lily? Is her absence significant, or was she just in the bathroom or something to allow for the two to run into each other at the door?

Author's Response: Thanks so much for always coming back and reviewing this-- I really appreciate it! It's tricky to write him as an AU character taking a different path, so getting the feedback that he actually seems in character is very, very helpful. OK, the exchange at the end of the first class-- I can see how that's confusing. I should change it to "Severus, right?" as soon as the edit function comes back up, because he's just confirming his name. And Lily-- I think it would take a lot to make her late, since she always has her act together, but she's a prefect, so I envisioned her helping some hapless first-year who has gotten lost. :) Nothing significant. Good question, though-- there are little things here and there in this that ARE significant that probably don't come off as such. :)

Name: FireboltCrasher (Signed) · Date: 09/15/08 20:34 · For: Chapter 6- Death Eater Boyfriend
I really like this chapter because it's written from Lily's perspective. I really enjoyed reading your fic. Please update soon; I really want to know what happens! :)

Author's Response: Glad you liked it! I have more Lily chapters in the works, although the next one is Severus's POV again. She's a great character, though-- I think she's more interesting than many writers give her credit for. I'll fine-tune the next chapter while the queue is down and see where it goes from there. Thanks for the review! :)

Name: LizzyT (Signed) · Date: 09/15/08 15:07 · For: Chapter 6- Death Eater Boyfriend
I love this fic. A lot. It's so sweet. Great job!

Author's Response: I'm so glad you like it! :) During the recent Quicksilver Quills nominations, about four people wrote in this practically identical nomination for another writer's AU story about Severus and Lily, and they all wrote something like "I usually can't stand stories about Severus and Lily, but...". Obviously I just don't understand that, because they're two of the most interesting characters in the canon, and JKR herself is the one who suggested that they could have been a possibility. I love writing about them.

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 09/15/08 12:10 · For: Chapter 6- Death Eater Boyfriend
It's nice to see Lily off her pedestal a little when she can admit she is embarrassed by Snape's lack of hygiene. You gave Lily a proper personality.

I should have mentioned this in chap 2; I like how the idea that Snape was going to turn into his father was what made him think about his actions and the possibility of change.

If it is your intention for Sev and Lily to get together , it might be useful to show who Lily might be afraid of being if she doesn't change.

Author's Response: There's a quote from JKR about how Lily could have loved Severus romantically if he hadn't been so into the Dark Arts, and that was kind of my inspiration-- trying to figure out how on earth that would have happened and who he would have to become and who she would have to be in the first place for that to even be possible. There are so many Lilys in the fanfic world who, when it comes to Snape post-fight, are either highly melodramatic or are just the one-dimensional cute popular girl who talks to him like she always thought he was pond scum. I always thought that for people to think so highly of her and for her to even have the possibility of being attracted to a guy who was socially rather inept, not much to look at, and not well-liked, she had to be complicated and interesting herself. I'm glad you liked the reason behind his attempt to change in chapter 2. I have seen that actually happen, and it was this powerful, life-changing moment for the person in question, the realization that he was heading down the path to being just like his dad. Obviously in the canon it took a threat on Lily's life to turn him around, but I thought this would be something that could derail him from the path toward the Dark Arts at sixteen. Also, I love your idea about Lily-- I'm going to have to work on that. There are other chapters from her POV. Thank you, as before, for the helpful reviews!

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 08/28/08 21:14 · For: Chapter 5- A Fairly Useless Lesson
I got a little confused with the cloud of fleas. I thought they were around Severus (attracted to oil or something) but eventually figured out it was the curse Sev did to James. I like how you used Occlumency to fight the Crutiatius Curse and the practicing it against the tickling curse. Well thought out.

Muggle without a cause--nice phrase.

Author's Response: Hmmm... maybe I need to re-read that and make sure it isn't too confusingly written for anyone but the writer--an easy trap to fall into. Thanks for the insight. I liked "Muggle Without a Cause," myself-- kind of a last-minute addition, but it seems like exactly the kind of thing that a sarcastic Half-Blood would think about the teenage Sirius Black. :) And thank you for all the reviews! I really appreciate them. It's great to know what people think about this story.

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 08/28/08 20:50 · For: Chapter 4- Satisfaction
Another enjoyable chapter.

Author's Response: Thank you-- this one felt more like the standard, canon Harry Potter with classes and rivalries and pranks. Couldn't go without some of that. :)

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 08/28/08 20:37 · For: Chapter 3- Lone Wolf
Professorship at Hogwarts had always seemed to come with a vow of celibacy written into the contract.--that line cracked me up. Good portrayal of his first days back. I like your internal dialogue that he has with himself.

Author's Response: Thanks very much-- he's a great character for internal dialogue, especially in a fic like this in which (so far) he doesn't have any friends with whom to have an interesting external dialogue.

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 08/28/08 20:17 · For: Chapter 2- Predestination
This was one sad chapter with just the tiniest bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

Author's Response: OK, so now you've probably figured out where it turns AU-- the canon Severus Snape keeps hanging around with all the proto-Death Eaters and never realizes that it's really them or Lily, not both. I thought this was how summer at home, with his unhappy parents, minus Lily, would probably have thrown him into clinical depression or something close, hence this chapter. So this fic gets off to a slow, character-study kind of start. :) I started writing it after reading a JKR quote from an interview saying that Lily could have come to love him romantically if he hadn't been drawn to "such loathsome things and people"-- which got me thinking about what it might have been like if he had tried not to be drawn to such things at an age earlier than 21, before she was Mrs. James Potter. Of course, whether he would succeed in steering clear of the Dark Arts and/or the Death Eaters (not necessarily the same thing) is another question.

Name: rambkowalczyk (Signed) · Date: 08/28/08 19:54 · For: Chapter 1- The End of the World
This chapter doesn't seem at all alternate universe. I suppose that will come later. Good detail on his reaction the following day. I noticed how Snape at this point still hasn't understood Lily at all which makes his actions so poignant.

Author's Response: You're absolutely right-- this would probably fit into the canon HP world just fine. I just thought it was a good place to start. When I was reading "The Prince's Tale" in DH, I couldn't help but think how he probably felt awful and totally stranded the next day, which somehow led to this horrible day without her and a dawning realization that this was how the rest of his life was going to go.

Name: NoxSomnium (Signed) · Date: 08/19/08 23:16 · For: Chapter 4- Satisfaction
Good for Mary. I just started to read this chapter after noticing and update and being excited, then I realized I read it yesterday. I swear, my brain is at least going, possibly already gone. Anyway, update happiness!

Author's Response: Glad you liked it-- I figured she has to be a Gryffindor for something, and even if she doesn't particularly like him, conspicuously not joining in the mob activity is pretty brave. Braver because she doesn't like him, I suppose. I'll have another chapter up soon if it gets approved, because this was just the first half of a chapter that was split in two. And then something from Lily's POV, finally. :) Thanks again-- Anya

Name: Veneficus Verus (Signed) · Date: 08/15/08 2:29 · For: Chapter 1- The End of the World
Very believable--Snape's internal dialog is wonderful, and I think true to character as well as true to being a teenager. I was angry with Lily as well when I first read that she wouldn't forgive him, but as you did I made the connection that she felt he'd been indoctrinated and ingrained with Pureblood sentimentalities, but your spin that it actually sunk into Snape's mind is interesting, seeing as how we know how it plays out. :D Keep it up.

Author's Response: I think I got the idea that he really had taken the anti-Muggleborn sentiments to heart from "The Prince's Tale"-- the fact that he hesitated before telling Lily that it wasn't a problem that she was a Muggleborn. He wasn't even at Hogwarts yet, and his mother had possibly been his only influence on the subject (I don't get the impression that they had a wide and warm social circle in the Wizarding world-- he comes off as a lonely child), but already that was an issue. Obviously in the canon he thought Lily was the special exception to the "Muggleborns are inferior" rule when he was younger, but had very different view in his later years (I don't have DH with me, but telling Phineas Nigellus "Don't use that word!" or something akin to that regarding Hermione Granger makes it fairly clear that his tolerance/acceptance no longer began and ended with Lily.) Anyway, thank you for the helpful review! I'm really glad he's believably A) Severus Snape, and B) a teenager. I've been lucky enough to have great betas and reviewers, so I'm guessing someone will tell me if I slip up on either of those. Now if I could just come up with a better title. :) Thanks again.

Name: Sariana (Signed) · Date: 07/18/08 1:17 · For: Chapter 1- The End of the World
Oh, wow, you have taken my favorite character and written a fabulous character study of him. I REALLY did not need to get interested in yet another story (my real life needs more attention right now), but I had to add this one to my favorites.

I am impressed by your previous review in which you draw the analogy to Nazi Germany. I know Rowling intended the parallels, but you have shown it at a personal level, not just as a theoretical philosophy.

Too many fanfication writers try to make Severus into a good guy--it was all just and act; he had to act that way to protect Harry; he's a gentleman when he is away from Hogwarts. No. Severus Snape is who he is because of both things he cannot control and his own choices. You have captured that perfectly here.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review-- I really appreciate everyone's feedback, which has been such a help as I've been writing this. Obviously he's my favorite character also, and I'm afraid that, because of that, I'm kind of stuck in the character study part and rather low on action. I have a couple of upcoming chapters in the works where more happens, but obviously I prefer meandering around his inner life-- I think chapter two is my personal favorite so far, for that reason. I completely agree with you about how he is who he is because of both things he cannot control and his own choices-- I'm trying to imagine what it would have been like if he had realized that the only way he could win Lily back would be on her own terms, and had chosen to at least try to do that, at 16. Keeping him "himself" when he has taken a very different path at this fork in the road is tricky, so I'm really grateful for the review-- it's good to know that he's still in character even with this deviation from the canon. I'm glad you liked the Nazi Germany analogy-- once I thought of the analogy on that personal a level, I felt like I understood Lily a lot better-- although after reading "Snape's Worst Memory," I don't think I will ever understand the appeal of James Potter. ; )

Name: Charles Sinclair (Signed) · Date: 07/02/08 5:03 · For: Chapter 1- The End of the World
This is an amazing story. I came on for ‘just a quick look’ at an internet café, and wound up spending an hour and half just reading, then compulsively rereading.

You have a very gentle touch with words. I particularly enjoyed…
“The warm early-summer daylight filtered in through the window, with dust motes floating gently around in and out of a sunbeam as Severus stuffed his things into his trunk, disturbing the quiet air and sending the dust briefly into swirling eddies. Empty, abandoned rooms like this always made him feel elegiac and mournful, but this year was worse than ever. Everything made him feel mournful lately.”
Its beautiful, and your characterizations are so immeniently plausible; the ‘inner life’ so believable.

I frequently get the feeling that in constructing Severus people have a tendancy to be overly generous, to give him too lose a reign. It’s a sort of kindness with which they erase him. It just seems as if the desire to become a death eater would not have been there if he had been like that. As it is, your narrative is perfect.

Author's Response: Thank you so much-- there are stories on this database that I can't stop reading, and I'm truly honored that someone else likes this one that much. I agree with you about, as you put it so perfectly, "erasing him" with too much generosity. Obviously there are characters who fit unambiguously on one side or another -- on the Death Eater side, Fenrir Greyback or Bellatrix or the Carrows spring to mind. I think it's the ambiguity of a character like Severus Snape or the Malfoys or (although we're not told much about him) Regulus Black that make them so interesting. I don't believe he can be turned into a basically nice but sharp-tongued guy who is misunderstood and picks the wrong friends, and still be himself; the anger, pettiness, hatred and (at 16, anyway) bigotry need to be there also along with the bravery, brilliance and devotion. Obviously I'm trying to write how I think he would be if he tried to change sooner rather than later for Lily-- we all know that he did at 21 in the canon-- and it's a very fine line, especially since the 16-year-old Severus has neither the experience/ maturity nor the loss of the 21-year-old one to make his decisions easier and his way more clear. Anyway, thank you again for such a kind review-- I really appreciate it.

Name: NoxSomnium (Signed) · Date: 06/28/08 14:26 · For: Chapter 3- Lone Wolf
Hmm, if this new professor doesn't turn out to be evil he could be an excellent support for Severus. I've always wondered how Severus would have turned out if someone had helped keep Severus interest in the Dark Arts from being used, so that he studied them out of academic curiosity, thirst for knowledge, and to better understand how to defeat them. Help him avoid using such things etc... Besides, Severus would get along with adults much better than his peers, maturity aids kindness and understanding so much.

Author's Response: Thanks, as before, for the thought-provoking review. :) You're right-- if he's not evil, then he's an example of an academic with an intellectual interest in the Dark Arts. (If he's evil, then he's an example for Severus of how the Dark Arts sucks everyone in and can't just be studied. Although personally, I think the canon Severus Snape disproves that-- when he's finally teaching Defence, he speaks almost longingly of the Dark Arts, but we find out later that, at that point, he'd been fighting it for 15 years.) Either way, since I'm trying to write a story in which the only change is in Severus (and then whatever other changes are wrought by the different things he does-- the ripple in a pond effect), I tried to write a professor who, if he had actually taught at Hogwarts in the canon Severus's sixth year, would not have had much of an effect on his path, because I think Severus wouldn't have let himself vary from the opinion of his friends. Having actually decided to be independent of that crowd, he's open to letting himself learn from this sort of professor, whatever that might bring. I also completely agree with you that he would get along better with adults-- given his respectfulness in the canon toward the other professors, there's every reason to believe he would have respected them as a student, and with rare and nasty exceptions, teachers don't care if a kid is a geek or an outcast if he or she is bright and interested. Thank you again!

Name: NoxSomnium (Signed) · Date: 06/05/08 14:30 · For: Chapter 2- Predestination
So, the warnings say AU, and in this chapter it's sort of implied that Severus might choose Lily over the Dark Arts. You probably won't tell me any details (authors, like magicians, never give up their secrets) but is that where you're going? Basically, how and in what way is this fic AU? I don't really understand why she's so angry with him, it must be a cumulative last straw sort of thing, but she really ought to tell him that. I know I know, they're only fifteen. I really don't see how, if that's the direction you choose to go, Severus will be able to stand up to his house with no support from anything except an entirely unsubstantiated hope that Lily will forgive him if he does.

Do feel free to show me :)

Author's Response: Hmmm... how to answer... :) OK, either from the books or (I think more likely) a JKR interview, we know that he kind of tried to impress Lily and win her back by going with the Death Eaters: allying himself with something impressive that seemed like the winning side, maybe, in hopes that she would find him powerful and successful because of his allegiances, or perhaps because of the possibility of being in a position to save her and thus win her back? I'm not sure which. So, this story is AU more because he realizes it's either/or, and he's at least going to give it a try. Whether he'll succeed or not... obviously it would be a tremendous challenge given, as you said, the need to stand up to his House, the really unsubstantiated nature of what he's hoping for, and the fact that he, by nature or nurture or both, is a rather dark person and is drawn to the Dark Arts. As for why she's so angry at him-- I think you're right about the cumulative last straw, and I think peer pressure had a lot to do with it (re-read their conversation at the Gryffindor portrait hole in "The Prince's Tale" and you'll see what I mean)-- but at the point when I had finished DH and was annoyed with Lily, I tried to put it into historical context. For Wizarding Britain in 1976, this is what it must have been like, I think, in Germany in the 1930's. That analogy is fairly obvious in the books, but applying it to the Severus/Lily break-up: they're friends, but he's getting into the whole Hitler Youth thing-- and she's Jewish, and now he's trying to apologize for calling her some sort of horrible slur. Put into that context, it's really much bigger and deeper than just a fight between two people-- he's allying himself with something truly evil and threatening to her, her family, and other people she loves. That's how I think of it, anyway, for what it's worth. Thank you so much for the thoughtful review. :)

Name: eternalangel (Signed) · Date: 05/14/08 23:29 · For: Chapter 1- The End of the World
This was a really good chapter. I always liked Severus Snape as a character because, out of all the characters, he was probably the most complex. I liked how you portrayed his agony so well and added another layer to the character. Good job!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I know that these first two chapters aren't exactly the best way to start a fic because he's just so miserable, but it does pick up in the next chapter, I promise. :)

Name: moonstargazer (Signed) · Date: 05/11/08 23:23 · For: Chapter 2- Predestination
I really like this story! It is a dang shame that Secerus is treated like crap by both of hius parents. Really sad.
And naturally, he does'nt have Lily to talk to anymore.
I feel for the kid, in that he has such a rotten homelife, and that he can't confide in his best friend any more.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! This is my first fanfic, so it's good to hear what people think. After reading OOP and DH, I imagined that his dad was probably abusive and his mom unhappy and bitter and, even if not abusive herself, not particularly protective of her son and perhaps even eager to have her husband turn on the kid rather than her for a change. I was trying to think of what his summer at home without Lily would be like (answer: miserable), but there's a fork in the road that he takes in a different direction from the canon, realizing that it's a choice between Lily or the Death Eaters and that aligning himself with them isn't going to win her over. By the way, this chapter was so depressing (appropriately so, but still) that I wrote an extremely fluffy one-shot about these two a few years in the future as Mr. & Mrs., minus the angst, and it's in the queue. :)

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