Once upon a time there was light in my life,
But now there’s only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say,
A total eclipse of the heart.
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I’ve got to get out and cry . . . .
The Bonnie Tyler song came to mind when I read your poem. :) There’s a lot of emotion conveyed, and then suppressed at the end. It’s an interesting image, Narcissa hypnotized by the moon, feeling a kinship, perhaps? Instead of reflecting sunlight, she reflects the image expected of her, pure-blooded stoicism.
Lunar eclipses only happen 2-4 times a year, and only during full moons. There’s an implication that only special circumstances generated Narcissa’s personal eclipse, allowing her to shed tears and express anguish for a short time. That adds depth and intensity to your poem.
A couple of times, though, I questioned your word choices.
I rise, moving soundlessly,
A whisper of what once was.
She’s moving soundlessly, and then she’s a whisper, which is definitely a sound, however slight it may be. You have “I whisper farewell” in the last stanza. To avoid repetition and contradiction, I’d consider changing the earlier usage. If you want to keep the alliteration, you could go with something like “wraith”.
The crisp air slaps my face,
Tears slide down my rosy cheeks,
Even Narcissa wouldn’t be whipping out a magically lighted mirror to check her reflection in the dark, :D, so she can’t know her cheeks are rosy (which sounds off because I think of her as pale). Aching cheeks, stinging cheeks, frozen cheeks, anything that she can feel and doesn’t have to see, would work better.
Thank you for putting time and thought into crafting a lovely poem.
Good. I really like it. *laugh* I can't say much more than that except for the fact that, yes, you did put a lot of emotion into it and I can tell!
Hello Brittany! =)
I must say, this poem was really conveying the feel and the darkness of the setting and situation that you've based it upon. The commendable thing is, the setting wasn't really elaborated or described extravagantly. A simple beginning was actually open to a vast variety of interpretations, and the imagery was superb. When I first read the poem, I couldn't help but remember Remus Lupin, especially with the allusion to the dark, mystic moon. The mystery and the use of "hypnotising" there just brought to mind the parallelism with the control the moon had over Remus. :)
Another thing that struck me when I first read the poem was the use of single words which create a powerful effect in our mind. The use of adjectives was very careful, and I must say, the flow of poetry there almost made me wonder how the free verse flowed so well. There was this... rhythm in the lines, even though the poem was in free verse.
The characterisation of Narcissa was that was a desperate woman, a woman whose heart was buried, as you say so yourself. A life that I've seen Narcissa lead, all through her life. She wears a mask, all through her life, and never shows her true emotions. The setting, the deep, dark night, and the these lines blend in so well.
My cries rise into the night,
Funnily enough, I remembered Shakespeare's Julius Caesar when I read the above lines. Brutus' allusion holds so true when we look at Narcissa's characterisation in the poem.
Where wilt thou find a cavern dark enough
To mask thy monstrous visage?
The punctuation in the lines wherein you describe the eyes struck me as a bit odd, however. The commas sort of weaken the effect that the stand-alone words brought about. A more effective choice would have been a semi-colon, or best, a period in there, I felt.
It was the ending that impressed me so much, though. The life that she led, and her return to it, was so strong, and that really left a lasting impression.
The night is still again.
Simple, yet conveying the message that the internal struggle was quenched by those eyes, and that she'd slipped back into the mask she wore all her life. The lines throughout the last paragraph actually makes me sympathise with the cowardly, yet not weak, the strong, yet supressed mother that you've shown us all. Superb work there.
I really hope to see more poems from you; reading this was a pleasure, and I want to see more of the skill that you exhibited while writing this masterpiece.
Brittany, I really liked this poem. I really liked it a lot.
The things that made me like it a lot were probably the loud emotions, the deep meanings, and the repition. Even though it is a free verse poem, it seems almost structured because of the strong movement of the poetry.
You can really grasp Narcissa's torment. She want to scream and cry and fight because of the unfair task her son has been given- a task that frightens her- but she can't. She simply can't.
My only complaint might seem slightly contradictory, but I've got to say it. It seemed, with all of it's feeling, almost melodramatic. While there's nothing wrong with a good melodrama now and then, too much of a good thing can get wearing.
:D Great poem!
Author's Response: *shock* I didn't even see this until now. I am so happy that you found so many positive things about it, everyone seems to love this poem. I won't question it, because that pleases me =p I like having happy readers. I'm so glad you understand what I was trying to do with this poem! Such a lovely review. =D
I loved this poem, and I agree with Sammy in that only someone who understands it, would get it. That is what truly makes it wonderful though.
The emotion and imagery put into this free verse piece where beautiful. I loved the word choice as well.
The only nitpick I have is the same as Sammy's. I think that 'rosy' takes away from the dark emotion in the poem. Maybe try something along the lines of 'crimson' to add more of a dark tone.
Great job, I hope to see more poetry from you soon.
Author's Response: Thank you! You're too kind. In case anyone hasn't noticed, I am a little too hyped up right now. You're boosting my ego...a lot, XD. I plan to come up with some more poetry, can't believe I thought it was boring and dreadful before *cringes at the glares of poetry lovers everywhere*
I finally found a moment to review this beauty.
the emotion and imagery in this are amazing. I love writings that imply more then explain and you implied one heck of a lot. In fact, I would call it a piece made only for those who understand it.
No really, try to read this poem without the summary. See if you can guess. This is a very beautiful piece and you (and Vicki love) did a great job on this. Your combined efforts really shone through.
I just have one teeny tiny nitpick and that is not a real nitptick, just my nitpick (please let that make sense) This line:
Tears slide down my rosy cheeks,
"Rosy" really takes away from the feel. Some would say that it shows contrast and other litarary devices but they are, of course, nicer then me. You know how ebil I can be?:o
Other then that, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. And that is high praise as I only use it for Kate's or Lalalatina's poems. *Is a poetry junkie*
Great job love, again, spactacularly well done. *Huggles Britt teh poetess*=Sammy
Author's Response: *shock* Who, me? Teh poetess? Truly, teh Brittany is most grateful (I say that in every response...but only because it's true.) Thank you for pointing it out, though I don't really have any free time at the moment to change it. Are you really mean? Hehe, I couldn't tell Sammy, dear. I'm glad I met the standards of a poetry junkie like yourself =D
I love the free verse. Had it been, say, in couplets, it would have felt a lot less powerful. The way it just is really gave me the feeling of 'words can not express this adequately enough.' All the lone words clinging onto the sentences really just makes me think she can't believe it. She doesn't want to believe it, but she knows she has to, so she's going through her mind trying to find a way to say it that will make sense. I like how in the end, she still can't make it real. I have the feeling when she does believe it, belief and truth will just overpower her.
If that's not how it was written to be interpreted, I'm sorry. Even though there is no wrong way to interpret art, I'm the one who finds the wrong way to interpret it.
Author's Response: Oh no! Don't worry, I agree. I think this poem is totally up for interpretation. You may not understand what I'm conveying (not saying this is the case, just in general with poets and readers) but if it means something to you that's just a as great. I think all art can be looked at differently. There really is no wrong way. I thank you for your review. I'm glad you found this poem to your liking. Really, your thoughts mean a lot to me. =D
This poem was just bursting of emotion. Very angsty, very appropriate.
I'm a bit confused about the first stanza though. How does Draco emerge from the shadows? Why is he casting a spell? Is this what Narcissa sees in her mind's eye? If so, you may want to clarify that. It's great imagery; it's just hard to understand where it's coming from, under what circumstances, and why.
A whisper of what once was.
That line was especially lyrical and well-placed. The fluidity of that stanza was remarkable. The words, when I say it out loud, literally flowed off my tongue so naturally.
Time rewinds and,
I think this stanza would've been stronger if the commas (except the first one) were periods instead. The periods would've made me pause longer at each word and would've made for a lonelier effect - as lonely as Narcissa would've felt. Is Narcissa thinking about herself here? She's remembering something that causes horrible emotions in her, especially with the stanza after this one, but what could it be? Voldemort is causing this, obviously. Are you suggesting that Narcissa is remembering when Voldemort gave the orders to the Malfoys in person? "Time rewinds" suggests that it was a longer time ago.
In the second to last stanza, Narcissa's cries are described as masked and as a fašade. But, she seems to crying sincerely and letting go of all her emotions (especially since after having her flashbacks and especially since she hasn't "buried her heart"). Wouldn't saying that she's masking her anguish be the opposite of what she's truly doing?
The last stanza was an incredibly powerful conclusion to a very descriptive poem. However, again, I feel that there are some phrases here that contrast what happened canonically. "Burying my heart" - does that mean Narcissa wants to feel no more emotion toward her son? Does she want to forget and make the inevitable loss less painful? "To slip into the darkest corners of my mind" suggests that Narcissa had given up, which we know is not the case since she goes to find Snape.
This was a good poem, especially for your first try, but there were just some parts I didn't understand very well. I look forward to seeing another one from you soon :)
Author's Response: I really think the first stanza is up for interpretation. I imagined it to be the moon (signifying night), seeing as I have an odd fascination with it, I think it could be numerous things. Yes,those feelings are caused by our dearest Voldemort. rnrnEh, for that other stanza I have to agree, it was quite unclear. I was writing about how the night covers up her misery and despair, it's a safe time for her. For the mask and fašade, it meant that she usually has to cover it up, no one can know, so she keeps it buried inside. Narcissa has to bury her heart so others can't see what she truly feels,so that's the 'mask.'rnrnTo clarify burying her heart more, she is by no means letting go of Draco, just hiding her emotions. This all ties in with what I just said a paragraph above. The night is a haven so she is free to slip into the darkest corners of her mind and let go.rnrnThat was a lovely review, I appreciate it very much. I hope you enjoyed it despite the confusion I caused. =)
Brittany, this poem is really good! I hope to see more of these wonderful poems in the future! Keep up the good work! :)
Author's Response: Thanks for my first review ever, Emma! I'll be sure to write some more in the future.