Avery! -squishes again-
My one nitpick:
Okay, now I'm confused. Snape went from being the creepy boy who lived down the street to the boy Lily wanted to talk to the entire chapter. Maybe you clear it up little in either the first chapter or this chapter?
Okay, that's over. :)
I'm impressed, you managed to skip the entire train ride and the Sorting Hat's song. Lucky you! They can be real killers to write.
The girl in the reflection looked frightened, and Lily decided that she would not be like her.
I like this. I don't know what it is about it, but it really stood out to me. I like the way you showed Lily's feelings and thoughts without actually saying them.
I’ve heard that Hufflepuff is the way to go...
-cackles- I love the plug for Hufflepuff! -huggles-
I love the way you describe the food. I've always loved books that list/describe the food. -huggles JKR-
I also love the way you introduced the Whomping Willow. Dumbledore seemed very IC in it and it was a good way to describe it without telling why it was actually there.
And when Lily Evans finally lifted her eyes, she was looking into Petunia’s.
Ooo. Cliffie. I'm interested in seeing where this is going.
Great chapeter, love.
Author's Response: Wow, your critique was the best! It really made my week, let alone day. It showed me how much I have to work on. Hopefully the Snape thing will clear up in the 4th chapter, and if I can't fit it in I'll go back and edit on of the first two. I'm glad you liked it, because us Hufflepuffs have got to stick together. :) You can't imagine how long I waited on tenderhooks for your (or any other Hufflepuffs) reveiws. Thanks a million!
I just have a few nitpicky things that I want to get out of the way first.
...No has been the cause of countless quarrels, debates, conspiracies, and theories – almost as many as the word Yes.
This isn't really necessary or anything, but I thought I'd mention it. If you put quotes around the words 'No' and 'Yes' (like such) it would add more emphasis to them and make them stand out a bit more. Also, I think there may be a rule about putting little quote marks around words that you're talking about... But I may be making that up. lol.
The book was entitled A Monotonous Study of Life...
Any title needs to be recognized as a title in some way. As this is a book title, it needs to be underlined or italized.
Also, I suggest that you add an Alternate Universe warning to this fic. Now, this may be pre-mature since I've only read one chapter, but from this one, to me, it sounds like an AU warning is needed. Mostly because of this sentences:
That creepy Severus kid had been there. He read way too much science fiction. But then again, what if he had been right? He had seemed so … sincere.
We pretty much know from A Prince's Tale in DH, that Lily belived Snape and was friends with him.
One last nitpick:
When you have a scene change I suggest putting a star (*) or a horizontal line or a dash (-) or a squiggley (~) or something, just to make it clear to the reader that time's passed or something is changing. I noticed a rough change here:
Without removing her muddy shoes, Lily collapsed on the bed and blanked out.
When Lily woke, it was bright; the sun was directly overhead.
That's all my nitpicks.
I really love how you started this fic off. It was great, with a brief discussion of the word 'No.' I like what she was saying 'no' to, as well. This being a Lily-fic, I half-expected it to be her saying no to James's asking her out. But, what you did was really creative and made Lily seem like a very believable, very normal eleven-year-old.
However, this soon became a boring pastime as well, and at the moment Lily was very much in the mood for some bacon.
ahahaha. I often get random cravings too. haha. Although, it's never for bacon (I'm vegetarian), I can still relate to Lily.
The thought was of running away.
The number of times I've thought of running away is... way too many to count. lol. I was about eleven every time those thoughts ran through my heads, too. Great characterization of an eleven-year-old!
I also really liked that you ended the chapter with 'Yes.' After staring the chapter with 'No' it fits that you end it with 'Yes.'
Author's Response: Thanks so much, Mere. I'll get right on those corrections. Your critique is superb, and greatly appreciated.
This story is great! you chose a nice character and I hope you keep writing the story about Lily till the end it would be great!!! :) Write the next chapter ASAP!!!
Author's Response: Thanks! I'll try to keep her going as long as possible.
This story is rather good and has a very original plot. One thing, though, is that Petunia would never be able to enter Hogwarts, seeing as she is a Muggle and therefore cannot even see the castle. But it's a quite interesting twist and I look forward to see where you are taking this.
Author's Response: You'll see. This is kinda a give away for the next chapter but...rn Q: Can Muggles see Hogwarts ? (Melinda, 11, CA)rnA: Aaah - who asked that? Smart Melinda! You find out in Book 4. When they look towards it, as a safety precaution, they see a ruin with a sign saying it's unsafe. . .they mustn't enter. They can't see it as it really is.rnrnWell That's my excuse. I hope it works :)
Very nice chapter. You have a very poigant way of writing. Update soon.
Author's Response: Thanks, I'll try to hurry it up. Hope you keep reading!
Very nice chapter!!!! Please update the next chapter as soon as possible. You are an amazing writer!!!
Author's Response: Oh thanks! Um I'm taking a break for now, especially with the September queue announcement, but look forward to another chapter in November/December.
This is great! Amazing!
Could you possibly tell me when you're going to update next please?=]
This fic is amazing, but I don't want to clog my favourites up any more. =]
I can never resist adding a good story, and this IS amazing!
Oh, heck, I'll add it anyway. XDXD
Author's Response: Thanks! I never expected to be favorited... that really awesome. The second chapter just went in for bettaing, so it should be up in at least two weeks.
Nice story! Quite different fron Deathly Hallows but all the same, i enjoyed reading it. Please update the next chapter as soon as possible!
ALL THE BEST!!!!!
Author's Response: Wow, thanks. :) I'm glad you liked it! I'm working on the second chapter now... sorry for the slow work.