MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Name: Binka Fudge
(Signed) · Date:
03/11/08 21:17 · For:
This was really good, especially the assassin being Percy, and the intended victims being both Harry's and Voldemort's ancestors. I only have one problem, Harry got his eyes from his mother's side of the family, so how is it that his Great Great Great Grandmother Potter had the exact same eyes? I'm not saying it's impossible, just a little unlikely. Great fic though, and glad George has someone waiting for him back home.
Name: Ron x Hermione
Author's Response: Thankd for the review! Glad you liked the story. Thanks for pointing out the eyes discrepency...sometimes we forget the minor details.
(Signed) · Date:
02/14/08 20:23 · For:
Chris! This was such a brilliant story! The way you took the prompts and twisted and molded them into your own creation, writing what George would see and do, definitely shows your individuality. No other Gauntlet story is quite like this, my friend, and I've read nearly all of them.
I love your description through all of this. From your description of a sunset [as the sun tickled at the foot of darkness that belonged to the night. Dawn crawled up from the earth to start a new day as unconsciousness descended upon George.] to how you portrayed your characters [who were all completely in character, I might add, even Percy!, who is quite hard to get quite right].
But sadness and heartache soon descended as he remembered that his twin brother had died at Hogwarts during the final battle against Voldemort. The world swirled more quickly around him from sitting up so fast and nausea threatened to bring up his last meal…although what that was George could not remember.
I'm actually re-reading Deathly Hallows and have actually just passed the part where his twin does perish in the war. It makes me sick, too. I can only just imagine George's pain as he reflects on his relationship with his brother. When you remember a loss, all of the happy memories just well up inside of you and that only makes you sadder on how you can't create any more of them. Great job on portraying this.
Together he and Aria helped heal each other’s pain, both having lost their twin in the war against Voldemort.
I do wish that you had enlightened us more on the relationship between Aria and Fred. *wiggles eyebrows* I would have loved to have seen some flashbacks and moments of the two together, reflecting and comparing their losses, comforting one another.
Spring awakened them to bring out their beauty for all to see. The other led into a dark forest, that seemed to call out to him, representing all the pain and torment his soul had been going through in recent weeks.
Ooh, how I love your personification and symbolism, Chris! Your words are just so beautiful, and you've sprinkled them all throughout your story.
Numbness threatened to reach out and take away what feelings George had left. George felt more alone than ever, lost in life without his brother’s bright smile to keep him going. A tear escaped out of the corner of his eye. He felt it trickle down to his chin and roughly brushed it away.
I think that you meant to add a 'he' before 'roughly brushed it away', here at the end. And I can just see Fred's catching grin captured in George's mind. Good work with this.
“Assassins! I can help protect her if you like. Let her stay here until you finish your business at the inn. I promise I’ll keep her safe,” Julian said.
“Do you want to stay Rose? I’ll be back as quickly as I can, although it is getting late. I was thinking the inn would be a good place to stay the night.”
I am a bit curious, though, as to how George trusts Julian, this man that he has just met, so quickly. He is going to allow her [and himself] to remain in the hands of what could be a Death Eater for all he knows, with a good lot of them lurking about in the wrong time period. I would think that he would have been a bit more cautious toward this.
"Rose, I think I need to find more, ah, time appropriate clothes."
Chris, I love how you've portrayed George. You've kept him as we all know him to be, a jokester in some parts of your story, burdened with the loss of his dearest brother in others, and serious and concerned for his mission and the two people he needs to keep vigil over. His quirky yet solemn characterization is well portrayed throughout your entire story, something hard to do at a story this length and at such strict prompts. Great, great work.
“Well, late at night she often is sent by her mother to fetch her father home from the bar. He likes his drinks and goes to the tavern most nights. He is usually in no condition to get himself home again by the end of the night.
I adore how you've created this intelligent piece to put in on how to find young Rose. Julian explains this just like any other person, I think. But I do love your reasoning on how they would be able to meet her--- off to retrieve her father, brilliant.
If He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named or Harry aren’t born, then the war will be prevented, and Fred won’t be killed trying to protect Hogwarts! Help me, George!”
I just love Percy Weasley. The way he is trying to rid himself of the guilt of Fred dying is just heartbreaking, though his intentions to kill two others three hundred years before for one person that he holds dear is rather . . . pitiful and distressing, I think. It is good how he is trying to redeem himself though. I like this twist you have here.
George was rushing at him and Thorfinn, flinging three sprinkles of the dust at each of them. The two Death Eaters disappeared and George tripped forward, dropping the remaining powder onto the ground and landing in a heap right on top of his satchel.
George sat in the dust a minute.
I am, though, a bit confused here. If George was just able to quickly fling the dust at the Death Eaters and they disappear back to their home land and time, then how come when George lands in the dust he is not immediately transported back, even if there isn't enough dust to take him all the way home? The dust wouldn't think about this, wouldn't it just go ahead and take him on home?
the organization I represent that fights evil in my time,” George answered
I think that you forgot a period here.
George cringed under the heavy eyed barkeeps stare.
I think that you need to have a hyphen between 'heavy' and 'eyed' and an apostrophe after 'barkeeps' in this sentence.
I just loved Julian and Rose Potter! They are both amazing Original Characters to own, dear, and the way that they are woven into the story and their romance blossoms is very well written.
The hastily written note that Julian writes to George was a very good ending. My heart nearly stopped when I read that Rose wasn't able to create any more powder, but after reading that he himself had created some of those Time Turners my heart when out to him. They were both very good people and the way they kept their promise a hundred years later, tying in the barkeeper and the message George had to tell him tied the story together perfectly.
Between the huge Percy twist and your great storytelling, this story was an amazing one, Chris, and I think your best yet, though you do have quite a few to choose from. Keep up the great work, and good luck in this challenge.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the awesome and thorough review! I greatly appreciate the input. I have noticed my writing improving and I hope to keep working on it.
As a note, Aria's story is a work in progress that I just haven't had time to totally piece together. I'm working on it...if I can just find time to do it! I'll work George into it at the end...and maybe expand more on their times together. As a twin I just imagine how I would feel if something happened to my sister and go from there. My imagination is almost as good as it was when I rode around on my imaginary ponies when I was a child. Reading helps keep it that way! Thanks again for the amazing review!
Author's Response: P.S. Thanks for being my Beta, and getting this back to me in a very timely manner!! :) :) 8)
(Signed) · Date:
02/14/08 17:41 · For:
Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed it!
(Signed) · Date:
02/14/08 6:17 · For:
:D :D 'yours through the ages' - i like that... maybe i'll use it in my next letter :D :D it was very interesting... and I think it's pretty interesting that Percy comes in the past, too. pretty good story - keep writing on it! *thumbs up*
Author's Response: Thank you very much. I thought Percy was a nice twist! :) The prompts kinda forced me to have someone else in the past. This was a lot of fun to write!