I really liked the plot of this story. I was surprised at how much time you could fit into just one chapter; it was written very well. The gap between one year and the next was very smooth, it flowed excellently. I think you described Andromeda’s family and school experience very well. I liked how you described the differences between the three sisters, and how Andromeda’s parents felt about how different she was. “My parents were worried. I was unique. I was different.” I love how this line describes her parents; I think it shows, very simply, how her parents are feeling.
Andromeda’s characterisation was superb. It really was perfect, things she said, “My sisters turned their backs on me. I was completely ignored by Bella in school, and eventually, when she arrived, Cissy acted like I was nothing but a bit of dust on the flood, nothing better than the “Mudblood scum” that roamed the school.” This described the family bond excellently; I loved the simile you used here, about the dust and the flood, and how you added the “Mudblood scum” to show how disappointed her family were with her.
The only critique I have for this story is to do with your word choice and flow. “They would do anything to ruin my happiness, yeah?” I don’t really like the “yeah?”-part on the end of this sentence; I don’t think it fits in with the feel of the rest of the story. If you wanted to include it I think it would have fitted better at the beginning of the sentence: “Yeah, they would do anything to ruin my happiness,” or I would just take it out completely. “One I could tell my secrets, or tell stories about my family.” To me, this sentence didn’t make a lot of sense, I think there is a “to” missing “One I could tell my secrets, or tell stories about my family to” I might even re-write this sentence to something along the lines of “One I could tell my secrets to, someone to tell stories about my family”. I’m not sure, it just didn’t sound quite right to me. “I sat there, slightly gaping, and realized then that there was much more to Ted Tonks than what met the eye.” I think this sentence would have more effect if you split it up. I sat there, gaping slightly. I realized then, that there was so much more to Ted Tonks than what met the eye”. I think having the shorter sentence at the beginning adds more effect; I also changed around the order of “gaping” and “slightly” as I feels it makes more sense like that.
Other than that, I loved some of the words you chose, and your use of similes was fantastic “the spotless puppy in a world of Dalmatians, it seemed.” I particularly liked that one. Your description of rain was also beautiful, and I loved the ending.
I really enjoyed this story.
Author's Response: Your review is quite possibly the best review that I have read, and subsequently received. It is honestly, what seems to me, the prototype of everything that a review should be. Thank you so much for the constructive criticism, pointing out particular things you liked, and characterisation comments! It is GREATLY appreciated.
thats such i good story i give you lots of props!
Author's Response: Thank you very much!
Author's Response: Short, sweet and straight to the point. Thank you!
I love Andromeda and I never see enough fan fiction about her.
I've always loved the smell of rain, too!
I really liked this :)
Author's Response: Thanks, I appreciate your R&R!
wow...that was just so cute. i've always liked rain, and i could never figure out why. But after reading this fic, i can understand why i like rain. i really liked this fanfiction, for it truly touched my heart.GOOD JOB! and plzzz write more fics! plz and thankyou.hehehee:D
Author's Response: Thanks for the review and I will try to write when I have time! I am super busy now, but I enjoyed your review. (:
Aww... so sweet. Nice job! Interesting too, because I never once stopped to wonder what it might have been like for Andromeda, who was actually a decent person, to live with the Blacks.
Author's Response: Thanks so much, I figured most people didn't and this just flowed, it you know what I mean.