MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Liet Dumbledore (Signed) · Date: 08/08/11 9:58 · For: Chapter 2
Who is Rosalind?

Name: weasley-chaser1 (Signed) · Date: 07/05/09 18:46 · For: Chapter 2
i can't wait until the next chapter!

Name: sraymond (Signed) · Date: 03/16/09 17:15 · For: Chapter 1
the plot sounds so interesting, but you need to write more chapters

Name: de angel in me (Signed) · Date: 09/30/08 13:44 · For: Chapter 2
the story looks awesome!!!! cant wait 2 read the rest of it!!!!!!!!

Name: Aryssa Hope Melody Deavon (Signed) · Date: 07/19/08 23:04 · For: Chapter 2
wow . . . i liked it it was great and i would love to hear more keep it up!

Name: cullen8 (Signed) · Date: 04/06/08 19:59 · For: Chapter 2
OK...I'm hooked now. I can't wait for the next chapter. You have a really nice foundation for the story and I love how you didn't just jump into things. The ground work's great...now where's the next chapter!?!

Name: snpdrgn (Signed) · Date: 04/04/08 11:24 · For: Chapter 2
Ok, I'll admit it. I'm hooked! I can't wait to see where you are going with this! : )

Name: leighpotter (Signed) · Date: 04/04/08 5:44 · For: Chapter 1
Very interesting, both chapters...but I'd like to see what his daughter is like soon! Other than that slight delay, well done! I can't wait for the next one!

Name: Rhi for HP (Signed) · Date: 03/10/08 22:28 · For: Chapter 1
Snape has a daughter?!!! Well, certainly a compelling start! Poor Harry being caught an eavesdropper--that would be awful.

Name: C_A_Campbell (Signed) · Date: 03/03/08 10:30 · For: Chapter 1
Well, that was certainly a good beginning. It captured people's attention, and certainly has the potential to bring them back wanting more. Unfortunately, it was far from perfect, and had a few small things that made me raising my eyebrow. Most of it had to do with characterization. For the most part, the characters were IC, but there were a few little quirks that kept them from being spot on.

Though you handled Harry well, getting his ability to stick his nose in things that he has no business knowing about down perfectly. However, I found some things about how he looked at Snape uncharacteristic. Like in this part:

Snape twitched just like one of Ron's family did when Voldemort's name was mentioned out loud, though Harry knew it wasn't the same fear that the Weasley's possessed. It was a fear that came out of mere habit. The fear that still clung to his mind when his master's name was spoken without its proper title; an action of stupidity that could earn a Death Eater's torturous punishment.

Though I applaud you for giving you this reason that Snape would wince at his name, (because it's a perfectly respectable reason) I cannot see how Harry would know this. He has never been observant, never been able to read Snape, and even in canon, when Snape winced at the name, Harry never once figured out why. So I believe this paragraph was a bit OOC - in a small way, but OOC nonetheless.

He looked like he was trying as hard as he possibly could to make sure that Dumbledore didn't hear or see the concern in his voice or expression, but Harry, for a split second, saw worry flash across his pale, angular features.

As I mentioned before, Harry cannot read Snape. He has never been able to comprehend the few emotions that he shows, because Snape is a master of hiding them. Harry would not have been able to see the worry in his gaze, especially if Snape was trying to hide it well enough that Dumbledore would not have been able to see it.

Hm, there were just a couple more places like this that made Harry Potter seem a bit out of character. The other thing was Snape. Though you handled his character well, and his conversation with Dumbledore showed the trust that he had for Dumbledore - so it was perfect for the two. The problem I had trouble wrapping my mind around, was that Snape didn't know that Harry was in the room.

Snape, unlike Harry, is extremely observant. You can't be a kind of spy like him if you fell to notice even the smallest bit of details - and a student remaining behind is not small, especially when they're having conversations like that. Snape doesn't just forget details like that. It would have made sense if Dumbledore had arrived and Snape had ushered Harry out, but he had remained to eavesdrop, but Snape would not have forgotten so easily - especially if there at the end, he remembered so simply.

One more thing

“If you are talking about his sanity, I believe it's in tact.”

Just wanted to point out that intact is one word. No big deal. It's a very minor typo.

Other than those small little quirks, you have a very interesting plot in your hands and I would love to see more. I'm going to favorite this because it has the makings of a very interesting story.

Author's Response: Wow, thank you for the very informative review! Yes, I agree with you that it's odd Harry can read Snape so well all of the sudden. I had to steer fromt hat fact a little to make the scene a little more visual. This was a very emotional thing that Snape was admitting, though he doesn't show it quite as much. Reading this, I see that Snape would never forget about Harry. That is true. I do believe that he had alot on his mind. If this were from his POV, it would make much more sense. Basically, the reasons for Harry seeing Snape's emotions and the emotions themselves are ecplained as the story unfolds. This is a story that Harry starts to understand Snape much more than he ever thought he would. Thank you very much! I will update as soon as the queue is open. I have the next two chapters finished and betaed.

Name: Angel Feathers (Signed) · Date: 02/01/08 14:57 · For: Chapter 1
I've seen your page on the forums about his daughter, and as soon as I found the link, I went to check it out!

Really good so far - everyone is delightfully IC - please update soon!

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm a newby at this, so I'm glad I'm staying away from the OOCness. I wrote this chapter about four times over...

Name: Pottergirl (Signed) · Date: 01/31/08 9:53 · For: Chapter 1
Snape has a daughter!? Quite the twist, I really like it! 10/10 (YAY, Sirius is ALIVE!!!)

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much! Yes, it's been used before but I think I'm going a new and differetn direction! Hope you stay tuned!

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