This is a really well written story. The imagery and symbolism of the apple and star is just wonderful.
One part that confused me is how the memories jumped all over without following a timeline. It seemed like he was remembering glimpses of his life in order, then the part about him and Sirius at age 16 is told before all of them meeting at age eleven, and that was confusing.
Also, the paragraph where he goes to see his mom is confusing. It seems as if the subject is his mother, but then the last sentence uses he and him, which was confusing. The antecedent was not clear.
I love how you described the images of James, Lily, Sirius, Peter, and Remus in the house. That was a poignant detail.
Thank you! I wish more people new about this story.
Another truly fantastic story. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go find an apple. :)
Wow, I have tears in my eyes after reading this, and that doesn't happen often. This is beautiful, awe-inspiring, simply wonderful. At fifteen, James mastered the Animagus transformation and the talent of peeling an entire Granny Smith in one long coil of crisp, green. I love how those are put together, as that one long strip of peel seems almost as magical as the transformation. He’d grinned and said “Lupin” mischievously, and then kissed Remus right on the lips. That's so lovely; the picture of careless happiness. Something so familiar that held something more beautiful and unexpected than any had though possible. This is a beautiful line, too, and I love that it is the sentiment that the story is based on.
There were a couple parts where I felt like the story got away from me, though. The paragraph about buying apples in the market, and also when he visits his mother. (He bites back the bitterness that rises against him...) After a couple re-reads of some of the longer sentences, I got what you were going for, but it wasn't as clearly expressed as the rest of the story.
The ending is heartbreaking, but so beautiful too. Remus's realization that he should have known all along, and tying in the apple, is a lovely image. I like the use of the "Just a" lines too, but I might cut it to three to give them more impact. "Just an apple / Just a Death Eater / Just a traitor that no one could love." I think that would focus the symbolism more by cutting out the line that makes him sound ordinary as opposed to evil.
I'm really glad I stumbled upon this story; I keep reading it over and over because it's worded so beautifully. I'm going to rec it in the forum because I think more people ought to know it's here.
Author's Response: Thank you for an amazing rec and review. I LOVE constructive criticism and I really appreciate it. I finally got around to getting a beta... that's helped my ridiculously long sentence structure a lot.rnrnAnyway, I'm glad you enjoyed this and thank you so much.
That was amazingly good. How you worked this whole story around an apple, and the little star of seeds in the middle nobody notices--I loved it loads. Keep writing!
Author's Response: Thanks so much.
OMG!!!! No words to explain this!!!! This is so beautiful, and sweet, and sad, and hopeful!!!!!! Best one-shot I have ever read, and probably ever will read. LOVED IT!!!!
Author's Response: Thank you so much, you've very kind. :)