Love the story. I have to say that Neville's situation always saddens me even more than Harry's. I re-read that chapter In Order of the Phoenix where Neville tells them how proud he is of his parents when they don't even know him, and how he keeps the gum wrapper in defiance of his Grandmother. I think its JK at her most human...this is a nice epilogue. thanks
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I agree with you that this is some of Jo's best writing. I love the Harry Potter books because they are so real, even while they are clearly fantasy. In a real war the winner never gets away cleanly; there are always some things that no amount of peace will fix. The situation with Neville's parents demonstrates this exceptionally well. Thanks again for reviewing; it made my day!
Oh God how sad! This sounds like it is going to be a great fic. I can't wait to read the rest.
Author's Response: I am hard at work on the next chapters; I hope you like them, too. Thank you for the review!
That was a lovely chapter thank you. Let me just say that your portrayal of how a mentally impaired person like Alice's mind works is so accurate its scary. I have a brother with autism and that's exactly how the doctor describes him; you know these people can't comprehend many thoughts at once. Anyway enough of me blabbing - keep up the good work and I'll definitley read ur story till the end.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! It's amazing to me that people like this so much. I am surprised that people think I captured Alice's frame of mind so well; I really have very little experience with mentally disabled people. I am glad you think I did it well. Thanks again for the lovely review, and I'll hopefully have the next chapter posted soon!
Oh, this was so sad! So horribly horribly tragic...I think you captured it very well. It's the kind of thing I would think Alice would be thinking, particularly if her memory comes and goes like that. I wanted so badly for her to talk to Neville, just for a moment...but it slipped away. And that was the worst. But also the best, because it means you wrote it so well. Wonderfully tragic.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really, really appreciate the review. I'm glad you thought my characterization was correct; I was worried about that. Thanks again for the review, and I'll update soon!
Wow... This really was good!
One thing I have always wondered about but never really paid any attention to until I began to read this was the way Alice's mind worked, along with Frank's. You did an excellent job displaying the way her mind worked in her current state. It was fragmented, all over the place, and unorganized, yet you showed it in a way that made perfect sense; a difficult task that you achieved wonderfully.
I really like the way you ended this first chapter. This is one of those chapters that could have easily been made into a one-shot, but I'm sure will be even better as a chapter fic. The entire thing really was good, especially for being your first fanfic!
You also evoke a lot of sympathy from the readers, well at least for me, in regard to Alice. I personally feel so bad for her as I know I would go absolutely nuts having my memory go in and out, especially for so many years. It's not something anyone could really get used to and I can imagine Alice being so frustrated with everything because of this. However, I did notice that she always remembers how to tie knots in the gum wrappers. I wonder why this is?
Well. I think you did a lovely job on this chapter and you can count on me to be one of your regular readers! Good work. :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! This actually was a one-shot; I just made some modifications to make it canon-compliant. And I'm glad you liked the ending; I really liked it, too. As for knotting the gum wrappers, I've heard that insane people often find a habit that they do over and over again. I suppose those habits keeps them calm and perhaps give them some sense of purpose; I don't really know. Thanks again for the review. I hope my next chapters don't disappoint you!
Oh, too sad. : ( Still, very well-written. The very last line, when she went back to resuming the knot, was such a simple yet powerful way of ending the story. Please keep up the good work.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I thought that was a good ending, as well; I'm glad you liked it. I will hopefully post more soon, so keep watching. Thanks again!
That's so depressing!! *sniff* update soon!
Author's Response: I'm hard at work, and will hopefully have a chapter in the queue next week if all goes well. Thank you for the review!
That is so sad, the inside of an insane person's head. She knows who she is, she just can't comprehend it.
Author's Response: Oh, that's such a good way to describe it! I hadn't thought of her mental state in that way. Thank you for the review. I hope you like the next chapters, too!
There are a lot of stories that POV from Harry or Ron or Hermione so I think this is a long overdue take from some new perspectives.
Author's Response: I thought so, too; I'm glad someone agrees! I hope you enjoy the rest. Thank you for the review!
Great job! Very well done.
I can't wait to see the other women's points of view.
Please, update soon!
Author's Response: I can't promise a date, but I am hard at work on chapters from Andromeda and Molly's points of view. They are both giving me a bit of trouble, as I am not a mother and do not know how it feels to lose one's child; but I will hopefully get them fleshed out soon, and will then move on to Narcissa, Hermione, and Ginny. Thanks again for the review!
Let me just say—first of all—that I really enjoyed this look into the mind of Alice Longbottom. That foggy land is not a place most writers wish or are even able to traverse; you did an admirable job of doing just that. I particularly enjoyed her preoccupation with “the knot” as one of the steadfast points of her life. For a mentally damaged person, such habits would be immensely comforting and, may I even go so far as to say, fulfilling. And a great tie-in to the HP series with the gum wrapper. It fits right in with what Harry saw: Neville putting the gum wrapper that his mother had given him in his pocket even after Gran scoffed at it (the wrapper).
The entire story is incredibly heartrending; I felt so ... depressed at the end, yet it was an inevitable depression, for I know that nothing can be done to help Alice and Frank. Nonetheless, you have done what JKR has not: shown us a first-person meeting between Alice and her son. To be honest, I wish that JKR had fleshed out Neville's character more in the books, but with wonderful fanfiction writers like yourself, I suppose it wasn't necessary.
Now, before I go, I'd like to suggest a few things—they are minor, but might aid the slightest bit in improving your short story. (Also, let me say right now: I am a grammar-Nazi, and, therefore, most of the mistakes that I mention will be tiny, tiny details that aren't glaring and do not have to be fixed, but could be...)
First, I noticed a run-on in the first paragraph: “Your son Neville is here to see you[;] isn’t that lovely?” By changing the comma to a semicolon, you separate two perfectly good sentences without changing the flow of the sentence.
You know what, allow me to mention—right now—that you are one of the most grammatically precise writers that I have come across here on MNFF. =) *applauds* This chapter contains so few errors and was very well done. The only thing that I have to suggest would be a little more imagery, but then, as this story is told from the point-of-view of a mentally impaired woman, little details of the room, the colours, the smells wouldn't be noticed, would they?
One thing I do have to say, though, is that—as a rule—a large majority of writers/grammarians have begun to place a space after and before an ellipses. For instance, “That voice … she knew that voice!” It simply looks tidier.
“She shook the thought out of her head.” = love, plain and simple. Beautiful.
Also, in the HP world, “healer” is capitalized. Thus, “Healer.”
Besides those few things, however, the story is absolutely lovely. I would like to see more of this tale or, indeed, more of your writing. I thoroughly enjoyed this poignantly lovely look into Alice's memory ... however fleeting her thoughts—and the tale—were. Bravo.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I’m very flattered you consider me one of the most grammatically correct writers here. And I also wish that Jo had done more with Neville’s character, but we can’t have everything. Maybe she’ll give us more in the encyclopedia. As for the grammar, thank you for the tip about the ellipses. I haven’t had an English class in quite a while, so I was unaware writers are doing that now. Also, thank you for the reminder about Healers; I’ll go back and fix that when I get a chance! You are right in that I didn’t imagine Alice noticing little things like smells and colors. However, I can promise you more imagery in future chapters, particularly the one about Molly. Thanks again for the review, and I hope you keep reading!
So sad. :( Is this a one-shot? I would love to read more.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review! This story is actually a series of one-shots; I'm hard at work on stories from Molly and Andromeda's points of view, and then I will move on to Narcissa, Hermione, and Ginny. I hope you enjoy them!
Wow That was really lovely...
Don't think anything else needs to be said...
Really nicley done...
Hope to read moe soon....
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I am hard at work on chapters from Andromeda and Molly's points of view, so I will hopefully have them posted soon. I hope you enjoy those chapters as well, and thanks again!