MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: LuNaLoVeGoOdLoVer (Signed) · Date: 12/14/09 18:51 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
Oh, this was wonderful! Defiantly one for my favs list :D

I loved how you turned Lily's comment into such a wonderful-and hilarious- story! Lily's characterization sent a smile to my lips-it was so good! She was not the know-it-all, rule abiding Head Girl. In this fic I could really understand why she was a Gryffindor :D

This line (or tow lines): James Potter was quite possibly the most stubborn man on the planet. Unfortunately for him, Lily Evans was the most stubborn woman on the planet.
was just so spot-on.
Again, great job!

Name: mzap (Anonymous) · Date: 02/16/09 18:26 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
I really liked this. When I saw the summary, I thought it was an interesting story idea and when I read it, I loved it. Very funny how Lily's friends took one casual phrase and made it a much bigger deal. Great job!

Name: ringobeatlesfan4 (Signed) · Date: 02/10/09 16:02 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
Haha hi, Kayla! It's Becca !(twilightHPgirl18 from the forums!) I must say, I'm glad I came to read this, because it's one of the best stories I've read in a while; I love it! Excellent job! {BeccA}

Name: AEM (Signed) · Date: 02/29/08 11:30 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
I thought it was brill, really funny. especially liked:
Lily had finally accepted he was actually showing some maturity when it got to the point that Sirius complained about it.
characters seem so accurate. WELL DONE, write sum more!

Name: Roommate of the Quillster (Signed) · Date: 02/24/08 16:12 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
First, I just want to let you know that this plot idea was brilliant. I absolutely love the idea of Lily being “forced” to reconcile her vague/non-committal reasons for not dating James. Yes, this was quite amusing, and I enjoyed it immensely both when Lily actually followed through and when Sirius was smart enough to figure it out and mock her.

However, other than minor punctuation errors that happen to the best of us (such as: The five of them were roommates, and had grown close over their six years at Hogwarts. Delete the comma before the and) the biggest thing that turns me away from your story is the characterization. It feels like you got a good/funny plot idea, didn’t think through all the characters you were going to use, and put people in so you could accomplish the plot.

And, although it worked and you ended up with an amusing story, I feel it could be stronger if you understood your characters a bit more — because your writing style and word choice would reflect that stronger relationship to your characters. Currently, you say several obvious things that are a bit superfluous. Once you develop the stronger characterization, you won’t need sentences like these, for example:

The five of them were roommates, and had grown close over their six years at Hogwarts.

She had been made Head Girl this year, and she certainly didn’t want to be late for her first duty as such. She was also anxious to see who the Head Boy was…

It was true; she had said exactly that back on the train at the beginning of the year. Damn Olivia’s good memory!

“Yes, actually; this shows how much you really like Potter, you know. You could have just given up your date with him instead.”

These four “example” sentences all show the same thing. They are obvious things you’ve pointed out to us that we could have seen if your characters were a bit more developed in your head.

The first sentence would become obvious to the reader simply by the banter/discussion happening in the compartment. If you wanted us to know that they are all Gryffindors and in the same dorm, have one of the girls complain about her sisters and grateful that the rest were all roommates — that way you don’t obviously point out that they had grown close. After spending six years together, most people will be close in some way.

The second sentence is in almost every J/L story in one version or another. So rather than say the obvious thing, maybe Lily asks her friends casually even though she’s a bit apprehensive. Maybe one of the girls asks her who she thinks. Or, better yet, don’t address this issue. More than likely Lily’s character would trust the headmaster. So if you understand your Lily a bit more, you won’t give us an obvious sentence that says to the reader, “Cue obvious J/L romance please!”

The third sentence is needless because she’s Lily’s “best friend and advice-giver since her first year at Hogwarts.” Of course she’s going to remember everything she said. AND, if Lily always says she’d rather date the Giant Squid then James, everyone will have remembered it — even James’ friends and various students who don’t hang out with them. So it’s almost silly to blame Olivia’s memory. Rather, it would be more interesting to blame her boldness — or her need to hold everyone to their word. Does Olivia do that a lot? What does her character actually say?

And the final example, with Olivia’s closeness to Lily, would she be this obvious and choppy in what she says after Lily practically froze to death in the lake? Maybe she would, maybe that’s really what your Olivia as Lily’s best friend does. But I think if you really understood Olivia’s background/history/what makes her tick, this sentence would be different.

So even though those were only four examples, I think your writing would be much stronger if you had a better understanding of the history your characters have together. How they really interact and what makes them so vital to your story and to your main characters.

Author's Response: Whoa, first of all thanks for such a well thought-out review. It's true, I've never written anything Marauder's era before and was really just going off my plot-bunny. I didn't really work with the characters as much as I should have. Thanks for the tips, I will definetly work on my characteriztion skills in my future writing =]

Name: qqquill_rita (Signed) · Date: 02/23/08 15:18 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
awesome. i thought lily was to conservative for that however. i really liked the end.

Name: Calico (Signed) · Date: 02/03/08 17:08 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
Your story is one of my favorites of the fanfiction - it's such an inspired idea! I really like your depiction of Lily, James, and Sirius as kids. I hope you write more one-shots like this.

Author's Response: Wow, thanks! It's always a real complement to hear I wrote a favorite. The Marauders are fun to write for - I may be writing for them again one of these days :)

Name: Rhi for HP (Signed) · Date: 01/31/08 17:05 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
Lol! This was great. :) Very original plot line, well carried out. It was odd, I was reading the title and I was thinking, hmm, where have I heard this before....? And then I realized: James and the Giant Peach! Yay! (did you intend that?)

Author's Response: Yay, someone caught it! haha yes, I realized James and the Giant Peach was only two word different than James or the Giant Squid, and I thought it had a nice ring to it :)

Name: weasleytwinsfans (Signed) · Date: 01/27/08 20:05 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
That was a great little story, it made me laugh :) I wonder if you intentionally put in the reference to Lily being scared of rats because of Pettigrew, or if that was only a coincidence?

Author's Response: A little of both, actually - rats were the first thing that came to mind, and then I realized that would be a good parallel with Peter so I stuck with it. Props to you for catching that!

Name: MissyQuill (Signed) · Date: 01/27/08 0:44 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
Hey Kayla,

This was a really sweet fic about the marauders and it was well characterised too. I liked how you showed Lily as a bit of a daredevil and wanting to not appear scared in front of her friends because mostly she is portrayed as a goody two shoes. I mean she was a Gryffindor (like us) and therefore must have had the pride that comes with it.
The only nitpick I have is that the second part of the story sounded a lot like a summary, or a quick revision of what happened. I know that sounds weird as you were doing a one shot and were limited by word count but I think you could have said all that you wanted to in a well placed flashbeck rather then a quick narration. Does that make any sense?
Anyways, great job.=Sammy

Author's Response: Hey Sammy! I'm glad you liked it; and yes, I was trying to show that Lily wasn't always the good girl who never broke the rules. Your critique did make sense, don't worry - I did notice as I went over it that the main part seemed to move a little too quickly. You're right, I probably could have gone back and fleshed it out a bit. Thanks for the great review =]

Name: KASK (Signed) · Date: 01/24/08 22:50 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
That was cute! I loved how Sirius knew where she was. It was very Sirius, and I laughed out loud. It was unique for an Lily/James fic and I enjoyed it very much! Thanks!

Author's Response: You're very welcome! =] I figured Lily had to get busted somehow or another, and it just seemed like something Sirius would be able to figure out... that's just how he is =]

Name: Magical Messrs (Signed) · Date: 01/23/08 18:56 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
i liked it! will you please write more? PLEASE!

Author's Response: Haha thanks, but this was just a fun idea I had one day, so it's staying a one-shot for now =\ I've got plans for a Sirius fic in the works, though, so if you're a Padfoot fan keep an eye out for me ;)

Name: Magical Messrs (Signed) · Date: 01/23/08 18:47 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
i liked it! will you please write more? PLEASE!

Name: Magical Messrs (Signed) · Date: 01/23/08 18:47 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
i liked it! will you please write more? PLEASE!

Name: moonstonesilver (Signed) · Date: 01/23/08 12:22 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
ooooh :D :D cute :)

Name: Fred the Duck (Signed) · Date: 01/23/08 12:21 · For: James or the Giant Squid?
I liked it. It was really funny.

Author's Response: Thanks =] this is the first humerous fic I've attempted, so I'm glad to hear it worked!

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