TIMMMM! How do you do this? This is amazing! Incidentally, it's crazy that both of our stories were updated on the same day! HOOZAH!
I laughed so hard at the beginning, where Bathilda got hit by the cement mixer. I was like, "I wonder whose favourite Deus ex Machina this is?"
I liked your OC, Ben the cement mixer driver. He seemed very realistic, and I love the idea of Muggle characters in Harry Potter fanfiction. Adds a nice element of realism. I especially liked his gradual inebriation.
I may have to start saying "My Goodness my Guiness."
You have a lovely, unique sense of humour, much more subtle than most on this site (though complete with nice amounts of slapstick and such.)
He had just been given a letter by an owl. Was he imagining things? His thoughts meandered back to the numerous liquor bottles by his favourite chair. That must be it, he reasoned. God I’m drunk.
That was my favourite part! Well, up until Ben got all of the owls, that is. After that, I was in something very close to Ben's drunken haze, totally incoherent with laughter. This is amazing.I love the song, and I love (but am disconcerted by) Bellatrix's threat.
I can't believe the queue is closed, because I desperately need to read more of this story! You win at life, sir.
Your creepily devoted reader,
Author's Response: Salutations, Creepily Devoted Reader Schmerg_The_Impaler!
I do love creepily devoted readers, by the way. They make me feel… wanted. I mean, I’m so lonely and confused, and in my desperation for love I write fanfiction. If I never received any feedback, I think I’d crack and… conquer the world with my armour-piercing depleted uranium toothbrush! HA HA! BE VERY AFRAID! YOU HAVE A DATE WITH DESTINY IN 4 MINUTES AND 78 SECONDS! MY TOOTHBRUSH IS ANXIOUS TO MEET YOU! MMUUUURRRRAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHUNDERPANTS!!!!
Please discount everything I just said in the previous paragraph. The only things I said that are true are that I write fanfiction, and that I really do appreciate reviews (if you could please review any of my other fics, that would be absolutely spiffing and really make my day), so thank you very, very much.
Like you, I was pleasantly surprised that both of our stories were updated on the same day, though I was annoyed that it took this long. You see, I submitted this second chapter on January 22nd, and it was approved after a rather agonising 4 weeks in the queue. However, one of my recent one-shots, As the Clock Strikes Twelve, was approved within 24 hours of me submitting it! To be quite frank, the queue/submission process makes no sense.
I hope this isn’t too disappointing, but expect a long wait for the third and final chapter. I am writing three stories simultaneously, so progress on this one (as well as all the other ones) is a bit slow. And of course, there’s the queue…
Now that I’ve said all of that, I’d like to thank you (again) for this lovely review. As you have probably noticed, having a cement mixer hurtle out of the darkness and defeat enemies with great gore and hilarity is my favourite Deus ex Machina device. I also took to the liberty of using this rather strange occurrence to explain the death of Bathilda Bagshot, which was conveniently not revealed in the book.
Now, about Muggle characters in Harry Potter fanfiction... I think Muggles are seriously underrepresented in the stories on this site, and isn’t everyone reading on this site a Muggle? Though there won’t be any Muggle POV characters for the last chapter of this story or its sequel, expect to see more of them in my other fics. My first story, “Obliviate!” is entirely from a Muggle’s perspective, and another story I have planned has a mostly Muggle cast.
I really do appreciate the fact that you appreciate my “unique sense of humour.” Incidentally, my friends often complain that it is too “unique,” but I take solace that there’s at least one person who enjoys/understands it. Speaking of humour, I am performing the Anarcho-Syndicalist Peasant scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail for my school’s talent show… by myself! I play three different people, switching between King Arthur, Dennis, and the Old Woman… it’s quite a daunting task, but I’ve done it many, many times.
I’m running out of things to say, so I’ll conclude this response with yet another thank you for this review. Cheers!
Tim the Enchanter
Wow……that was random. Nevertheless, it was very entertaining, albeit……a tad bit gritty. But man, I was not expecting the ending to that one. The first couple of pages had me thrown quite a bit off. But wow, that was pretty good. I applaud how well written it all was. I really had no idea what was going to happen. It just kind of, dare I say it…….came out of the darkness.
However, I can’t believe you killed our lovely Hermione! I mean seriously, why you couldn’t have killed some less favored character, like Ron?! I’m sure there could have been some other options……like Ron. But I suppose I wouldn’t have been as funny now would it.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed that, and I’m looking forward to seeing your next story.
Author's Response: Oh, how lovely! A third review! Thought my story had faded into obscurity by now…
I digress. Thank you very much for reading this rather crazy fic and leaving a review for it. I really had quite a bit of fun writing the suspenseful dark parts, and especially the colourful (and very gritty) descriptions of Lord Voldemort getting run over by the cement mixer.
Believe it or not, I love Hermione just as much as you do… or maybe I don’t. Please, please understand that I have nothing against her, and the only reason (which is rather quite feeble) why I killed her off is that I simply wanted to create the right mood of utter terror and severity, so that the very random ending delivers in full force.
By the way, what do you have against Ron? You seem very passionate about your desire to kill him rather than Hermione, and I am quite curious as to why. To answer your question about the choice of death-victims, the reason why I killed Hermione and not Ron is perfectly simple: RON WASN’T THERE! This story is completely canon-compliant up to the part when Harry and Hermione jump out of the window, so the reason why Ron is nowhere to be found is perfectly clear if you’ve read the last book. If you haven’t, I suggest you do. It’s a rather gripping read.
Anyway, thanks again for leaving a review. Hope you like the next chapter!
Tim the Enchanter
TIM THE ENCHANTER! Why did you not tell me about your lovely story! This looks quite marvelous, and I can't wait for more!
You use imagery beautifully, don't you? I could imagine the whole thing happening in my mind, even and especially the really gruesome bits.
The beginning of the story was indeed pretty terrifying. I was really wondering how it was a humour fic, especially once Hermione died. (I always thought she'd die before DH came out...)
And then the ending of the chapter came... BAM. Because the whole beginning of the chapter was so serious, the end was even funnier, and so random... I laughed like a dying moose. Or a dying Voldemort. And of course, the truck driver's ending line really made the chapter.
My only quibble with this story-- which is beautifully written and makes me feel rather inadequate-- is Voldemort's dialogue. I was thinking that your portrayal and description of Voldemort was really great, and it is. But something about his lines seem almost... recycled, like they're very familiar from the books. But that might just be me, and Voldemort is a fairly predictable character in canon... I think JK Rowling recycles her OWN lines for him! ^_^
Cannot wait for the next chapter to be updated! It looks great!
Author's Response: Dear Schmergo Madam, Impaler of Cheese Cubes,
Before I thank you profusely for your lovely review, I would like to tell you that I was going to tell you about this story in a review, but didn’t. My first excuse is that I was very busy, and my second dreadful excuse is that I was waiting for your Potter’s Pentagon story to be updated before I left a review for it.
But that’s beside the point. I’m so very glad you found this obscure story, and I am even more pleased that you enjoyed it as much as you did and decided to leave a review. I am particularly glad that you liked my imagery, diction, and all of those other literary things that English teachers love to torture students with!
You’ve probably noticed that I really had a lot of fun writing this story. Of course, it only started out as a strange dream, which was just Lord Volders getting run over by a cement mixer. I then had the urge to write it down, but I had to stretch a two-sentence idea into a story of 1745 words, which I did. I intentionally made the first 90% of the story as dark, terrifying, and morose as possible, just to catch the reader totally off guard at the end. Unfortunately, this involved killing Hermione to create the right amount of tension and to make the situation look as utterly dire as possible.
By the way, your observation about Voldemort’s dialogue is completely correct. I quite literally read through the books for Voldi-quotes, and wrote his dialogue to match it. I personally feel that Voldemort is a fairly predictable villain and somewhat unimaginative when it comes to evil speeches. In addition, I had him say things he said later in book 7 (like the “don’t hid behind other people Harry, you stupid prat!”), but just earlier due to the changed circumstances.
I surprised myself when I managed to come up with a second chapter to this story, but I won’t reveal too many details about it. Hope you enjoy it whenever it’s approved!
But wait, there’s more! This story is probably going to end up being three chapters long, or maybe just two chapters but with a sequel. I haven’t really decided yet. In addition, I am simultaneously writing more chapters of “Obliviate!”, which should be around twenty chapters or so when, well… if I finish it. If you haven’t read it yet, it’s about a Muggle who has a rather unpleasant encounter with the worse half of Wizarding society, to put it lightly.
I rather think this response has gone long enough, don’t you think?
Tim the Enchanter
LOL! i'm kinda confused... but okay then!!
Author's Response: Greetings, reader,
Thank you for taking the time to submit a review for this utterly mad story. I am glad you found this story amusing; otherwise, I wouldn't have written it!
Anyway, you said in your review that you were confused. If you could let me know what you found bewildering, I would be more than happy to enlighten you to the eccentric details of this story.
Tim the Enchanter