Aww! That story was so cute! I finally found a story in third person by you, so my "third-review-circle" is complete! Anyway, I loved the characterazion of Snape! He was so cute! He seemed so different as a child then how we know him in the Harry Potter books! Personally, I like the younger Snape better then the older Snape. His dad though, was very mean! I didn't like him at all. *shakes head* I thought it was good how you incorperated some of the book into the story. Like, where Snape is seen against the wall and crying while hearing voices yelling (In HBP, I think?) and then in your story, he's crying like that because of the beautiful present. Speaking of the present, we never really got to tell what it was. Was it in a box or something? That's what I think it was in and stuff, but correct me if I'm wrong. =)
My favorite part is when he's at the store buying Lily's gift. I love the humor in it, and how the clerk was raising thier eyebrows. I can imagine a little boy around 10 walking up to me (a sales clerk) with this pretty gift in one hand, and a paper bag with TONS of coins in the other. My reaction would probably be the same as the person in your story, haha!
I'm in a bit of a nick-picky mood, so I have a few nit-picks:
Severus didn’t think in terms that might have been more fitting; to him she wasn’t yet radiant, gentle, precious, irreplaceable, like she would be in years to come.
I think this along of my opinion, but I think there should be an 'and' before irreplaceable. I think it would make a little more sense, because without it, it's a bit like a run-on sentance.
He spit into the grass in anger.
I don't know if this was mentioned (if so, sorry for repeating it) but it should be spat. =)
Author's Response: Yay another review from you! Thanks! Again, thanks for the nit-picks (hehe). I'm glad you pointed them out! And I'm glad you liked it!rnAlso... hmm... the gift was actually supposed to be a flower, made out of glass. I think I'll try to make that more clear, huh.
I absolutely loved this story. (This, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that I ship Sev/Lily, or that your writing was impeccable today!)
But, seriously, I thought it was amazing. The descriptions were vivid and powerful. I especially loved Sev’s descriptions of Lily. They were so poetic and tender. And I loved the way you described the adult Sev’s feelings (‘radiant’ ‘irreplaceable’) with the child Sev’s (‘good’ ‘beautiful’). Because that’s how kids describe things, as ‘sad’ or ‘happy’, whereas adults tend to be more complicated. But you weren’t patronising towards mini-Sev, which is good.
‘He spit into the grass in anger.’ ---- ‘spit’ should be ‘spat’
I never really got a particularly clear image of Sev’s gift, even right at the very end. If you intended it to be like this, that’s fine. Just something to think about.
But I thought it was absolutely fantastic!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Gah, tenses... I'll go fix that! Again, thanks for the concrit, the review and (*head inflates*) the praise! :)
awwww i usually don't read severas lily stories, but this is good. keep writing
Author's Response: Thanks! This story is completed, but I'll definitely be writing for a while yet!
I really enjoyed reading this story, particularly the first half. I think you did such a wonderful job in your characterization of young Severus. You’ve got a couple things in there that just seem so like the Snape we know. In particular, I like how he hid the money in the little hole outside and how he was so fascinated by the antique shop that no one else went into. The part that I like the most, however, was the big bag of money. It just shows how calculating and disciplined a person he was, even at that age, to save everything for so long for a specific purpose.
I also really liked how you wrote the interaction between Snape and his father. It really seems to be right on to me and really makes your reader see one reason why Severus might dislike Muggles so much. I’m much older than ten and if I had saved every dime I made for that long to buy something so special, for such a special person to me, I would be very upset as well if something like that happened. Very nice job writing a feeling that I thought was tangible.
I like how you wrote Snape in the last part too, where he gives Lily the bouquet of weeds and is ashamed of them, but unable to run away from her kindness. You do a nice job mixing in the residual anger he feels toward his father for ruining a gift, a day he planned for so long. The only thing I wondered is whether he would be able to go through with it, or would he just shy away because he thinks it so unworthy. Just a thought I had as I read. Still, it didn’t take away from the whole.
This is a very nice story! Good job and good luck in the challenge.
Author's Response: :) You've officially made my day! Thanks for the detailed review! I'm really glad you enjoyed my characterization of Severus! *smile*
so sweet! 10/10!
Author's Response: Thanks!!