So, here's the thing. I saw your poem, and read your author's page, and I'm thinking to myself, hmmm, how is it that I've never read one of her stories? So I decided to read it.
WOW. It's so purrrty!! I'm reading what James is saying to Harry and thinking - now that, ladies and gentlemen, is ironic. If Harry had only remembered what James had said...
And when he says I will always be there for you...and that he and Lily would die *coughcough* for Harry...*sniff* so sad! The foreshadowing was very well done!
The one part where I rebelled against what you wrote was when James was talking about Peter. I don;t think he would say something like that against one of the marauders - even if it's wormtail. He wouldn't let Wormtail be secret keeper if he really felt that way---the whole significance of Peter's betrayal is that they did like him, and did trust him.
Though I can understand where you;re coming from - that Peter had to feel unappreciated.
And again - Foreshadowing with "He'd never tell"...You just want to lynch Peter. Wring his filthy little neck.
James not knowing what Lily feels like is pure magic, and hits such a true chord. All in all, it a truly touching fic. Kudos!
that was absolutely adorable. ive never had children, but that must be somehwat what it feels like... good work!
Claire, love, I just wanted to say that I really like this. It's very interesting to see how you portay James, and I don't think I've ever read a story quite like this one. It's very well written, and it's very heart-warming indeed.
Now, there were a few things that I noticed, and I thought I would just point them out to you. =)
I feel so useless, here.
That is in the first paragraph, I believe. You don't really need the comma there.
The way that you speak of the baby I really didn't know if the baby was still in Lily's stomach or if he was already born. I think that maybe in the beginning you should make sure that it is clear that the baby is still not born yet. It would make it a little more understandable. It seems to be a bit confusing in the beginning. I was actually thinking that maybe he was talking to Harry in the crib or something, until he said that he didn't know what to call him. When you said that it showed that he wasn't born yet because they don't even know what to name him yet.
Also, I noticed that you had a lot of very short sentences. There are many of them that you could have made into one instead of having two or three.
I chuckle to myself. Of course he won’t tell anyone. That’s silly. He isn’t even born yet. His mind can’t comprehend what I’m saying quite yet.
That's just an example. You could have made that entire small paragraph into one or two sentences. It would also help with the flow of the story a bit more. When you're reading, and there is a period, comma, semi-colon, colon, you're supposed to pause and then continue reading. So it's kind of like you were starting and then stopping, starting and then stopping, etc. You know what I mean?
You could have it be like "I chuckle to myself. It's silly to think that he would tell anyone seeing as how he isn't even born yet. His mind can't comprehend what I'm saying at this point." Or something like that.
I think that was all I wanted to point out. I really did like this though. Great job on this! =) *Squishes*
Firstly, I will warn you that this review might come across a little harsh. I don’t mean it to be, but I am quite a critical reviewer.
Firstly, you need to consider James’ character a little deeper. I believe you did a brilliant job at portraying him as an expectant father – I especially loved how he wished to understand what Lily was going through and carry the burden. However, later on he discusses his attitude towards his friends in quite an arrogant, almost elitist, manner. Sirius is his bestest friend ever, whilst Peter is forgettable and his least favourite. I don’t believe James would ever admit quite so explicitly his greater affections for Sirius. You need to be careful because whilst Peter himself might have felt like the tag-along, and he might have been perceived by others to be, he was nevertheless James’ friend and James respected him.
First-person present tense is a very risky style of writing to use. I have written a novel-length fanfiction in this style, and I know that it takes a lot to make the style convincing. About halfway through, there’s a paragraph that moves into third-person past tense, which suggests you originally wrote in this style. Don’t change point of view halfway through because the two are very different. First tense is a much more personal and intimate style, which you can use to really get into the nitty gritty of what the character is thinking or doing. If you intend this to be a Work in Progress, change it to past tense. You have a few slips into past tense, which is very easy to do and hard to recognise when editing sometimes; by keeping in past tense, you can focus more on the personal voice of the character. Present tense requires you to master pacing and rhythm in your sentence structure, in order for it to not come across awkward. Master one hurdle at a time, is my advice.
Your first paragraph is awkward. I can tell you were ‘writing into’ the story (this is a phrase my English teacher always used to describe my essays; it means you’re finding your footing and therefore over-thinking it and making the sentence structure awkward). My best advice is to write it, then once you’ve got your writing juices flowing and you’re feeling more at ease, erase it and write it again. Your second paragraph is much better – there’s more control and flair to it! Also, be very careful with the description you use; veins showing on Lily’s neck is a very original image, but not a very pleasant one coming from James’ POV. You over-think the description of her hair too. Sometimes it’s best to use a thesaurus, find a unique word or phrase and use that alone.
Finally – you’ll be relieved, I’m almost done! – find a good Beta reader and listen to that Beta reader. You’re a young writer who has a lot of enthusiasm that can be channelled into a good story. Beta readers are like riding instructors – you have to hunt around to find one that is right for you, but once you have stick to them and listen to what they have to say. Don’t be scared of the edits that Beta readers make; once when my story was rejected, my Beta literally tore it to pieces for me and told me, word for apostrophe, what was wrong with it. It took me three hours to piece the story back together again but I count it as a turning point for my writing.
Keep with it, Claire.
*sniff sniff* That was beautiful!
Hey Claire, welcome to SPEW! Firstly, yaaaaay I love the idea of James’ confessional. I mean, I always assumed he was so cool around Harry, like he was his little man, his toy to play with and adore. I guess that interpretation stemmed from the assumption that something like this happened to bring them closer so that there was that… moment when they were so close before they died. You’ve done a great job of depicting that moment for me, so thank you. Really.
On thing I noticed a little was that James’ body language seemed to relax, with his chuckling and realisation that he could tell Harry anything. However, his language is still… a little odd. Not the word choices, mostly contractions. It just seems so odd to have his thinking “anyways” and then this, “He is okay, I mean, he doesn’t tell anyone anything we do, but I don’t know, he has never been my favourite.” Which is a little run-on and… just a little off. Relax the language a little. He’s confessing with no real apprehension. Let your spiky hair down, little spiky man. :D
Just a nitpick, as such (I’m so hesitant to use that word now that we’ve been discussing it in the forum!) The description of Lily is … confusing for me. I mean, she’s beautiful with her hair and such, but the connotations (perhaps they’re personal connotations for the words; I don’t know) of the veins. I don’t know, perhaps put a healthy spin on how she looks? She seems almost sick to me, and I know you say her pregnancy is hard, but it doesn’t seem like a positive image. Also, the word choice of “heavily closed” is a little off. I know what you’re getting at, but perhaps there are other phrases that can better describe that to the reader.
That last line is really sweet. The peace that comes from James’ confession is really something human. It’s a nice wrap up to the story with that feeling that contrasts so strongly to the feeling at the beginning of apprehension and worry.
This is the first thing I’ve read by you, hun, so I’m definitely looking forward to reading more. Have a nice day, where ever you are!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! *glomps*
This is adorably sweet, Claire! *huggles*
Sooo, to make this a non-squee review. Hem hem.
I only spotted one little glitch in this story and I'm not sure if it's on purpose or whatever, but you switch from first person to third person in the seventh? paragraph where you go from "I etc." to "James wiped the sweat from his brow..." It really threw me off there for a second.
I like how you have James getting all nervous when he's talking to Harry! It's so sweet and it's a very James thing of him to do I think. Every time I think of James thinking of being a father, I can see him getting all excited and overly nervous because I think for him it was a big step in growing up (no matter how much he may have acted like a happy child around Harry!)
The Wormtail thing killed me. =( I almost hate it when authors mention Wormtail in fics in this context because its like "OMGODRIC KEEP THAT LITTLE TRAITOR OUT OF THIS HAPPY SCENE!!!" for me at least, lol.
Overall, you have such a sweet story here, Claire and you've done a great job with it! Everything except that little person change is grammatically correct and the mood and tone is just right! *huggles*
Author's Response: Claire isn't here right now, so her assistant is taking over, due to her time in a spa. *huggles* Claire loves yor review. She squeed when she saw it. :)
This was really sweet. I like that you wrote James PoV, which is really all thoughts, without italics. It is like you are really looking into his mind. This is a phenomenal piece of work. :)
My favorite part is when he talks about how Remus is a werewolf and he shouldn't tell anyone. That's very James, telling an unborn child not to spill a secret.
Overall, it was really well written. I'll try to read the rest of your fics soon!
Hannah- The Order of the Ravenclaw House Elves
Author's Response: Thank you, Hannah! I have heard about you Ravenclaw House Elves. Do you all just randomly pick fics? *Claire* :)
Very short, yet perfect one-shot. The way you ended it was very good, too. It is more peaceful now. Very very very good.
Author's Response: Thanks, Anna. This is my more successful piece, and I think that I am going to stick with James and J/L. I promise, my fics will get longer. :) *Claire*
Oh how touching!!1
thats so sweet! I love it.
Is it a one-shot?
Author's Response: Thanks! I love L/J. Yes, it is, but I would be honored if you checked out some of my other fics. :) *Claire*
Wow, this was great. I liked the details and dialogues were especially cute. The whole thing was absolutley sweet but I did feel a pang of remorse at the whole 'family' thing...*sigh* sadnes...some things are never meant to be...
But this was great!! Good job. ;)
Author's Response: Maria!!! *hugs fellow TWSer* Thanks! This is my most reviewed fic, soo...
That was really good, and cuite. That might not be the kinda review you wonted but cuite was the only word I could think of. Keep writing :)
wow that was so touchin
it perfect described james feelings really well gud job
Absolutely beautiful ;)
wonderful i love it!!
aaw, that was so nice and sweet and oh- so touching!!! sniff... the only nitpick:
James whiped sweat off of his brow. He would have to get used to it, because soon, he really would be having face-to-face discussions with him. “Do you mind if I call you Remus? It is a lot easier to say that. It’s like I’m talking to my best mate.
you say 'James' and 'he' and the rest is in first person... just thought you'd like to know! fabulous story!
Author's Response: Hun, that's what he is saying. :)rnrn/Claire
Hello dear :] Just dropping by to let you know that I adore this! It's wonderful to see it up on the site so soon!
One little thing [I just can't stop!]. Add a quotation here:
"There is also Moony...
Happy writing, darling! Keep up the wonderful work!
Author's Response: Thank you for betaing it! If anyone needs a great beta, contact Mistletoe. *Claire*