Reviews For On
Reviewer: Ravenclaw_Soprano
Date: 12/13/07 13:34
Chapter: Chapter 1

This is a very powerful story, complete in its own right. I could see it being continued with more of Heaven, but it really isn't necessary. I enjoyed this, because it shows that the really important part of Severus's nature was the part that wanted to do good (especially after all the controversy concerning him).

Happy Holidays from the Order of Ravenclaw House Elves!

Reviewer: R_U_LDS_2
Date: 11/21/07 12:19
Chapter: Chapter 1

i love it , kepp writing

Reviewer: megan_grace1405
Date: 11/20/07 3:27
Chapter: Chapter 1

i love it! I am ahuge severus fan and I love that its lily that he sees in between

Reviewer: Marauder by Midnight
Date: 11/18/07 19:32
Chapter: Chapter 1

A very breathtaking piece. I really enjoyed your take on who and what awaited Severus in death. It is very apropos for Lily to be there for him finally.

The beginning of your story, the introduction at the train station was very well described. I simply loved the way you depicted Severus' last moments alive and first moments dead.

A few errors:

It looks as if we’re on the Hogwarts Express, and this well, this is me.
This probably would've been better written as "It looks as if we're on the Hogwarts Express, and this - well, this is me." The missing hyphen makes the sentence, if said out loud as written, more rushed. The hyphen just slows down Lily's words to make it more effective.

"...You” she took in a deep breath
Missing comma: "...You," she took in a deep breath.

I’ve been watching you and though you and Harry despised each other I knew that it was mutual.
That line is awkwardly written. I kind of understand what you're trying to say here: that Severus' hatred toward Harry is justifiable. However, the sentence is out of place here. Right before this, Severus is apologising for what he had done in fifth year, but Lily interrupts him to talk to him about Harry. Also, "you and Harry despise each other" means that the hatred is mutual so the sentence was kind of redundant. Instead, maybe it's better off as: "I've been watching. Thank you for everything you've done for my son despite what has happened."

He nodded his head unsure. “Where are we going and may I ask why are you here?”
Missing comma between 'head' and 'unsure.' The questions Severus asks differ in politeness, so to speak. Is there a reason why 'Where are we going?' is asked more directly than 'Why are you here?' Those two questions are extremely important to Severus, I think, so it would be strong to see what goes on in his mind and how he feels as he asks them. Right now, it seems like he's just being courteous, polite, even after he has finally met the woman whom he lost so many years ago. I think even Severus could afford some emotion, even if it's just the slightest hint of one.

As for why I am here why don’t you ask yourself that question?
Missing comma between 'here' and 'why.'

I wouldn’t be here if you in your subconscious hadn’t wanted to see me when you first died.
I think 'in' should be 'and.' Also, 'when you first died' implies that Severus had died several times (which would be incorrect). The word 'first,' to get the meaning I think you want, would have to be placed after 'me' so that it is '...hadn't wanted to see me first when you died.'

When I died I saw...
It took me a while to realize that Lily was reminiscing here. I think it would make your intention clearer if you moved 'Lily took a deep breath...' before 'When I died I saw.'

The usual hatred he had always felt at the mention of James Potter was not there at this time. Just a deep disliking for him was there at the moment, and even then he was not sure if he even felt one way or the other about him.
Again, some awkward sentences. In the first sentence, the 'at' in 'at this time' is unnecessary. I think it weakens your sentence more by adding the 'at.' 'At the moment' in the second sentence is also unnecessary for the same reason. Also, since your 'he's and 'him's can refer either to James or Severus, you should make it obvious which one you're talking about. A good rule of thumb is to use 'he' and 'him' for only one male character per sentence. Don't use them to refer to both characters. It makes it confusing to the reader.

Well, it took James until Harry was twelve to reach the level of maturity you’ve reached in about an hour.
I'm guessing that this means that it took James eleven years into death to become 'mature.' It was worded awkwardly, so I'm just making sure that's what you meant. But I'm curious to find out what exactly 'mature' means in this sentence and how exactly did Severus show that he's reached the maturity James has.

He asked.
'He' should be lowercased.

And Petunia? Well, Petunia wasn’t there, thank God, but you get the point.”
I was under the assumption that people only get to 'see' the places of their choosing if they're dead. And since right before Lily mentioned Petunia, she was on the subject of places people choose, I could only conclude that Petunia has died, and Lily was about to tell Severus which place Petunia chose to enter death. A little confusing, since I'm assuming that's not what you meant.

Everyone is there except Adolf Hitler, Satan, and all the other supreme evil people in the world.
While that sentence made me smile, I have to say that it wasn't a very appropriate sentence nor was it necessary. Naming the place they're going Heaven is fine; that's what I would call it too, and that's what, I think, Rowling intended to call it. However, naming a Satan and Hitler puts a more personal spin on this and could be found as offensive by different people. I would suggest removing this and the proceeding sentence so as not to offend anyone.

Severus I want you to know that I always have loved you, just the same as everyone else.
What does Lily mean by, I love you just as everyone else? Is she saying that she loves Severus and everyone else does too or she loves him like other people love him? Either meaning would need further explanation since I doubt that everyone loves Severus or that her loving him the way other people like him is any consolation.

Finally, I think the verb choice could've used a bit more variety. For example, you used 'said,' 'replied, and 'asked' throughout your story when, since your story does depend a lot on emotions, it would've benefited from stronger verbs such as 'mumbled,' 'softly whispered,' and 'wondered.' Those verbs connote more meaning and more tone than regular 'said's and 'replied's.

While I did point out a few of the things I found to be erroneous, I really did like the idea behind this story. The symbolism of King's Cross is remarkable, and the relationship between Lily and Severus was beautifully portrayed. That being said, I do believe this story belongs in a...brighter category since everything seems to work out in the end :)

Reviewer: Hermione Clone
Date: 11/18/07 15:56
Chapter: Chapter 1

I loved this line: "Everyone is there except Adolf Hitler, Satan, and all the other supreme evil people in the world. I don’t know where they are, and I don’t want to think about it.”-Perfect
Very well written. I'm glad that Snape was able to find the peace in de4ath that he never had in life.
Great job!

Reviewer: Dissendio
Date: 11/18/07 10:36
Chapter: Chapter 1

Excellent story! Really well writen. You really captured what Severus would think and feel. I also liked your idea what wizard heaven would be like and I agree with you.

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Autumn At The Castle by Oregonian 1st-2nd Years
The 'treat' of autumn's glorious beauty is inevitably follow by the 'trick'...
The Youngest Death Eaters: Year III by DestinyMoonStar 6th-7th Years
Year 3 A year of hard choices and tough talks: Destiny learns about...
Out of the Blue by Secret Marauder 90 1st-2nd Years
This story weaves the tale of James and Lily from the day they met right up...
FEATURED
Five Christmases by hestiajones 1st-2nd Years
It took four Christmases for Andromeda Black and Ted Tonks to get together...
Coming Alive by The owl 6th-7th Years
Leanne Gamp hadn't wanted to be at that party, even though it was Christmas...
Graves by Oregonian 1st-2nd Years
In December of 1997, Harry visits his parents' graves in Godric's Hollow and...
CATEGORIES