Exactly what a mystery's first chapter should be. Very intriguing and promising. You have me hooked.Before more praise, the typos first, hehe. Don't mind me, hon. But good reviews in the world of fanfiction, where we are still approaching being professionals, are not only filled with praise and criticism, but also typo notices. ^_^
Capitalise addresses: Number Twelve Grimmauld Place...a little heaVIer...
... wild pink NarGLES?Comma use:
...it's beautiful, Dad!...kitchen to the door, Syria overheard...
"Goodnight, Dad."And always before the word, 'too', and also after it, if there is a following clause.
WeasLEYS' Wizard Wheezes... AN enchanted necklace...
...nothing." Her father smiled slightly. "Nothing's too good for a Malfoy, now, IS THERE?...Not TO mention ONE SET OF HER grandparents were Muggles...
...had finally reachED the topmost...There. My beta-sensibilities are now at ease. *grins* Now then, to the story itself. I take it Syria is seeing the memories in an objective though omniscient point of view? Because of the green eyes description. If so, it piques that she doesn't recognise the man at all. She hasn't ever seen him? Not even in pictures in books and newspapers? If integral to the plot, don't answer this question. I felt like pointing it out to you, that's all.
That done, let me get to the praise again. Your first sentences blew me away. They pulsed with vividness and intensity, that 'memory'. Anyone would have been dazed after seeing and feeling that. You also introduced your characters and their affiliations without turning to exposition, which is a form of narration we all don't relish. And here: “Now you'd better get to bed before mum finds you still up and has a mooncalf or something." Loved this 'Potterization' of an old idiom.So, Kasey, I'm looking forward to your next chapter. You have a Galleon of a story here!
~Joanna
Exactly what a mystery's first chapter should be. Very intriguing and promising. You have me hooked.Before more praise, the typos first, hehe. Don't mind me, hon. But good reviews in the world of fanfiction, where we are still approaching being professionals, are not only filled with praise and criticism, but also typo notices. ^_^
Capitalise addresses: Number Twelve Grimmauld Place...a little heaVIer...
... wild pink NarGLES?Comma use:
...it's beautiful, Dad!...kitchen to the door, Syria overheard...
"Goodnight, Dad."And always before the word, 'too', and also after it, if there is a following clause.
WeasLEYS' Wizard Wheezes... AN enchanted necklace...
...nothing." Her father smiled slightly. "Nothing's too good for a Malfoy, now, IS THERE?...Not TO mention ONE SET OF HER grandparents were Muggles...
...had finally reachED the topmost...There. My beta-sensibilities are now at ease. *grins* Now then, to the story itself. I take it Syria is seeing the memories in an objective though omniscient point of view? Because of the green eyes description. If so, it piques that she doesn't recognise the man at all. She hasn't ever seen him? Not even in pictures in books and newspapers? If integral to the plot, don't answer this question. I felt like pointing it out to you, that's all.
That done, let me get to the praise again. Your first sentences blew me away. They pulsed with vividness and intensity, that 'memory'. Anyone would have been dazed after seeing and feeling that. You also introduced your characters and their affiliations without turning to exposition, which is a form of narration we all don't relish. And here: “Now you'd better get to bed before mum finds you still up and has a mooncalf or something." Loved this 'Potterization' of an old idiom.So, Kasey, I'm looking forward to your next chapter. You have a Galleon of a story here!
~Joanna
I agree! Update sooner! Anyways, I liked it a lot! but where's the next chapter? :P
ZOMG! This is up! Ah! It's totally awesome! I'm so, so sorry I always shirked beta-ing it. I really am a terrible person.
Now I wanna read what happens! Don't give up!
-Stubby
This is reallly gooooood
UPDATE SOOOOOON XD
xx
