really cute though i felt as if the maruaders weren't that close they way you wrote them. or maybe that's just me. still a really good lily/sirius fic :)
Well done! I liked it.
This is a wonderfully written one-shot; the characterisation is fantastic, it flows within the scenes very well, and I love your Lily. So many people write her as Ginny in a different time, but you really gave her a unique personality. I love how sly she can be, even though she’s a Gryffindor. I have to agree with Ennalee about Sirius, but I mostly forgot about that as the story progressed.
My issue is that it seems to go too fast. It feels rushed, and it makes the transitions feel a little choppy. I have done hprare_exchange myself, and I know you didn’t have a whole lot of time to write it, so kudos for doing such a great job with that amount of time. However, now that it’s over, it might be fun to revisit this and really explore it. There’s so much you can do with this plot, and in that short amount of time, you’ve done a great job. I just think you could go further with it and it would be even better than it is now (and it’s fantastic already).
Now I get to gush. The romance between the two feels so natural that I can’t fathom why she chose James! It just worked so perfectly and you wrote it so well. I was having a bad day today, and this fic brightened it immensely. The scene at the end just made me feel all warm and fuzzy. :) I love that you can write fluffy scenes and keep your characters real and true to themselves!
I've never read a Sirius/Lily fic before. it was good.
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! i loved it!
Ha, this was sweet and funny. A lovely one-shot. I could actually see it happening. :)
"Even? I don't think so. You get away with far too much as it is. Ten points from Gryffindor." Lily waved her wand, and Sirius's heart sank. He hadn't meant for that to happen. But honestly, it was just like Evans to take points for no reason"
But I thought that Prefects couldn't take points from students. It said so by Ernie in OotP book.
""You know, they don't call you the brightest witch of your age for nothing," Sirius quipped"
Ha, Hermione and Lily, two peas-in-a-pod!
I couldn't find any grammar mistakes in this story (maybe because I stink at grammar) but there was one line that sounded awkward.
"...Why on earth you make me take points from my own house …"
It sounded awkward, but I do understand what Lily was saying.
Why on Earth you make me take points from my own house, I don't know.
Oh, I did find one mistake. Earth in the line I pointed out ("Why on earth) Earth is supposed to be capitalized because it was a proper noun, and they are capitalized! Wow, school is here for something!
Well, no spelling mistakes caught my eye, but then, I was so engrossed in the story that I may have over looked them all. Plot was awesome. I don't know where you people come up with this stuff. Jealous, I am.
Well, like I said, this was a great story with a nice plot. the humour was great and the romance was beatiful. Lovely hon'.
I totally have a thing for Sirius/Lily, and Remus/Lily, for that matter – basically anything which involves three best friends, two of which fall for the same girl. I have such a terrible weakness for unrequited love and love triangles! You do a great job with this, keeping all three characters realistic, not just replacing James with Sirius, but keeping the tension between the three of them going.
My one main qualm: I have a bit of trouble with Sirius’ side of the plan. I can totally buy Lily using Sirius to try and make James get over her, but I have more trouble with Sirius. It’s not the going out with Lily part that bothers me (I can totally see him falling for her, especially if she instigated such a plan), but rather his lack of concern for James, at least in the beginning. The plan is based on the fact that James wouldn’t ‘steal his friend’s girl,’ but Sirius has no fear that James will perceive Sirius as stealing his girl. Furthermore, this paragraph got at me a bit: Sirius was looking forward to the next Hogsmeade weekend. It would be the first time that he and Lily would actually be seen together, and he couldn't wait to see the look on James's face. Hopefully he wouldn't be too crushed, but then, Lily had dated other blokes before, and that hadn't seemed to bother him. Much. I was thrown by the fact that not only is Sirius not worried that his plan is going to hurt James, but that he’s looking forward to seeing his reaction. I do like that he begins to have second thoughts later on, not wanting to tell James – interesting that as their relationship becomes less of a sham, he begins to want to hide it from James, defeating the original purpose, turning it into something real instead of something with an ulterior motive.
What bothered her was the way Potter seemed so pleased whenever Slughorn said something nice about her work, as though he was proud of her, as if he had a right to be proud of her. Lily didn't like that look of pride. It made her feel uncomfortable. And it was more than pride, somehow — it was warm and soft, and … No, not thinking nice things about Potter, she reminded herself. This is absolutely lovely. I love that in a story about Lily and Sirius you include a bit of James/Lily. I love that James is proud of Lily and not afraid to show it; I like that Lily is already starting to fall for James; I like that Sirius has no clue that there’ s more going on between the two of them than simple infatuation.
"It could be worse. He's surprised that I'm interested in you, since I've always proclaimed undying hatred, but not too surprised, since he worships the ground you walk on." I like this – I love the characterization of James, that of course he thinks everyone’s in love with Lily, because he loves her so much himself.
I love that Sirius asks Lily out the same way as James does – why ever do these boys think that will work? – and that, after agreeing to accept, she refuses. You’re really playing around with this seemingly simple plot, making it unique and surprising and a lot of fun to read.
Sirius shifted, a hand reaching up to rub at the nape of his neck. Lily tried not to smile. It was kind of cute watching Sirius Black try to be polite for a change. *giggles* Aw! Trying to be polite – lovely characterization here.
Lovely story, really. My biggest problem with it? I don’t want it to end here. You’ve set up such an interesting situation: James really cares for Lily, and Lily clearly has more feelings for him than she’ll admit; Sirius’ conflict between not hurting James and wanting to start a real relationship with Lily. I love the way you dealt with James in the beginning, but he kind of disappeared in the end – we never get to see how he responds to Sirius asking Lily out. I want more – I want to find out James’ response, I want to find out how Sirius navigates between James and Lily, I want to find out why Lily makes the choice to be with James in the end. How much would I have to beg to get you to write more?
ahhhn next chapter next chapter PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Completely uncannonistic but completely delicious all the same, well written tummy tingly sections.
ah that was so aweosme, is this a one shot?
I am now officially a Lily/Sirius shipper. You need to make this a chaptered fic. LOL
AMAZING!!!!!!! i love their whole love/hate relationship and i love how siruis is so reluctant to hurt his best friend and i ESPECIALLY love the way it ends with a "Shut up." that is just so perfect!!! GREAT job!
aww! it's so cute! I wouldn't want to fall for the person my best friend liked, though. it just makes you wonder if things would have turned out differently for Sirius if he had fallen in love with a girl.