It's a good story, but you need to work on your emotional appeal. Simply stating that a character feels dread is not enough. Show some manifestations of the feeling - shaky hands/knees, or describe the feeling more vividly - I was gripped by the icy hand of fear. These need to be used not too often, but enough to make the reader feel them. Good work otherwise!
Author's Response: To be honest, this is actually my worst story on Mugglenet. I was just writing a story that popped into my head and I wasn't really focused on how I was writing. A better example of one of my stories would be Scrapbook, and I personally think I wrote that story well, and much better than this one.
This story strongly shows the prejudice of the human race...in this case the wizarding world. It is sad that the innocent were killed and harmed. I'm not so sure that Lycantropy would affect the entire family quite to this extent...that the family would be killed because they were related to the werewolf. It would not be their curse...especially if they took precautions to prevent the werewolf from harming others...by securing them. Also, why was a 12 year old witch walking around with her wand? When at home they were forbidden to do magic, so I can't see that her mother would have allowed her to go into the woods with it...but especially alone near dusk...even at 12 years of age...especially in a bear infested wood. Danger lurks in all woods after dark and it is much easier to get lost.
The descriptions in this story gives an outline of what one is seeing...and the emotions are only partially explored, but it is a good beginning.
I also see a lot of open ends...did the girl get to continue going to school? why was her sister not at school? Why would the father loose his job at the ministry and be totally unable to obtain any job because of his daughter? Lupin's family was not affected to that extent...and the existence of a Minor as a werewolf would be kept confidential...it is when she came of age that she would have to register. That is what happened with Lupin anyway.
The best part I'd have to say is the ending...it makes one think about what a werewolf goes through...and thinks about.
Wow. Powerful but painful. You wrote a really strong story.
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
I love the montage of emotions that you've displayed in this story. You gave us a full view of the consequences of becoming a werewolf and just how painful, in so many different aspects, it can be.
There are a few things you may want to correct though.
I didn't mean to sound rude, but it just came out that way.
Since Kate pointed out her blatant rudeness, I expected to see some pain in her mother's response. Kate seemed regretful for sounding rude, but her mother showed no indication of noticing.
"Mum" should be capitalised in "Yes, Mum," since it's a familial title. If you said "my mum," then it wouldn't need to be capitalised. Same with "Mum, Dad" later on in your chapter.
Whenever I told my mum I was going for a walk, I usually went into the forest that was near our house.
This implied that Kate didn't really go for a walk in the forest, she just says she does. You may want to simplify it to say what you mean.
I opened my eyes quickly as I heard heavy footprints.
You can't hear 'footprints.' You probably meant 'footsteps.'
I now knew what that creature was. It was a creature that nobody would want to face. A creature that would make a brave man run. The creature that was stalking me was a werewolf.
A very climactic point in your story. It would have a stronger effect if you had separated it so that each of those sentences was a separate paragraph.
The werewolf, with its damned ears, heard me.
What's so damnable about the werewolf's ears? Maybe instead, you could use "The werewolf, with its damned acute hearing."
The scene with the werewolf would've benefited from a horrific description of the werewolf. Even if she can't see, she had a "vivid image" of the werewolf; perhaps she could describe to us what she had seen even if it was just in her mind's eye.
It is near the end of your story where I have trouble understanding what the theme of the story is.
We needed to grieve for what I have become.
Understandable, of course. But the major part of the story ends with such a sad tone of how the Greenburg family is now ruined. So what is there to be proud of? Certainly there are qualities that Kate has, but it wasn't emphasized enough in the story to make me believe that she has anything to be proud of. The two sentences "Be proud of who you are" and "We needed to grieve" conflict each other.
Was this story set in a different time period? I don't completely understand why the entire family would be killed for being related to a werewolf. Something so important and so disastrous would've been mentioned in the book if it happened to Lupin. I understand that their lives would've been ruined (being laid off from the Ministry is probable), but to have people actively murdering others who have not one indication of having the werewolf characteristics seems farfetched in the time frame of Harry Potter. This sort of thing is what we would expect during the Dark Ages when chaos was more dominant. I would've imagined that the Ministry would have laws against this sort of thing.
My review might've seemed harsh, and I apologize for that. You do have a lovely idea for a great story, and you have a knack for developing the dark mood that you've shrouded this story in. It just needs a bit of fine-tuning :)
Author's Response: Thank you for your long review. I'm deeply flattered that you took your time to help me fix the errors in my story. I fixed the errors, and I hope I've made the story better by doing so. As for your questions... Kate and her family felt the need to grieve back when she first got bitten. But, six years later, she has finally learned to accept who she is. She's proud of the person she is. Becoming a werewolf has mad her mentally stronger. And for the time period question... I hadn't really explained that in the story. The story takes place in the time period when Harry Potter's parents lived, the time when Voldemort was gaining followers. Kate's father lost her job at the Ministry, but her family was killed by Death Eaters, who at that time were not on the same side as werewolves. The Ministry never caught any of the Death Eaters who killed Kate's family, so they couldn't do anything about it.