Bizarre. Not a bad story.
That was fantastic! I am so glad I read this. I wanted to read this story because I am playing around with Albus on the forums right now. I love what you did with his character! I really enjoyed how you developed his personality and especially how you gave him a close relationship with his sister.
I think you did a great job with Scorpius as well. You made him believable and wrote a friendship with Albus that was also very plausible and enjoyable to read.
Your writing is exceptional! :)
It is really a sad story, isn't it? I feel very bad for Scorpius. I know he was the one brewing the potion, but Lily seemed culpable as well for what happened: they were both under the influence, after all. I'm surprised that everyone, particularly the Wizengamot, was so harsh on Scorpius. I wish Albus had visited him. But that's me thinking it's all real, and not a story. Were you trying to draw any real-life parallels to dating and date-rape? I think you made some tough decisions on where to take this and it all worked wonderfully. Congratulations on winning the challenge - great work!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Gina. Honestly, to this day, I'm not that pleased with the ending. Not because it ended like it did, but I didn't really explain well enough (at all, in fact) the harshness of the punishment. The idea was that the Malfoy's had wiggled their way out of so many tight spots before that the Wizengamot really was keen to nail Scorpius when they really had the chance. He brewed a power, illegal potion that he found out how to make in a banned book which led to non-consensual sex with a girl who was not of age. Lily's actions were all a result of the potions effects. The only thing she was guilty of is walking into the room, being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Honestly, though, that's how it is for many victims of crimes like that, isn't it? And, sometimes, the criminal really doesn't intended to be a criminal at all - or hurt anyone at all. It just happens.
this was a great story. one thing that bugs me is at the end, forgive me i forgot who, but either lily or albus says "i don't think he really made that potion" or something along those lines. if i butchered i'm sorry, anyway, this line doesn't sit well with me, its kind of like a incomplete thought. i personally felt you should have elaborated on that. maybe a sequel?
Wow!! Good story.
Oh. I don't know what to say. I have to say something, though.
Your characterizations of the Potters were great--James and Harry for the very little bit they were there, Albus (whose personality is actually a plausible derivation from his behavior in the Epilogue, he's a tough one to do right with so little to go on), and Lily--oh, poor Lily, and yet...she seemed to almost forgive Scorpius easier than he forgave himself.
The loaded gun line sort of describes all the Malfoys, so the way you did Scorpius sort of fit, like he was 50% rebel, 100% Malfoy, and if it's 150%, it's because the rules shouldn't apply to him. You made it impossible not to feel bad for him, especially at the end. Sorry for everyone.
Congratulations on winning the challenge. You deserved it.
omg i cant believe yoy made him be punished so harsh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was all her fault!!!!!!!!!!!
i hate lilly now lol
:o No way. No no way. Ugh I really, really loved it! But... 20 years?? I think that's a little rough. I mean... sure it was a potion that he created but... he's only like 16! And... it was an accident... and wow. Just wow. I can't believe that's how you chose for it to end. Lol. I mean it was great but... well... kinda put a small downer to it hah. Ah well! Good job :D. Great job with the emotional factors. And I absolutely loved the metaphor you imposed through Harry breaking the lamp and unsuccessfully repairing it. Great touch ;).
And... sorry if I'm being too forward... are you male? If you aren't, ignore this. However, I've yet to come across a male fanfiction writer and I'm pleased to say that you did a fabulous job (that is if you are a boy)! I'm not meaning to sound sexist here, just pleasantly surprised ^^. I'm assuming this only because of your name is 'James' :P. Well, I can't wait to read some of your other stories ^^. Great job, again, and good luck writing in the future!
20 years, yes, I have been getting harped on a little bit over the sentence length. Something that I did not do a great job explaining in the story was the Ministry trying to stick it to the Malfoy family, having gotten away with so much in the past. However, given this story's length ... I didn't go into enough detail there. The idea was, however, that they finally had the chance - an iron clad reason - to put a Malfoy away for a good, long time ... and they did.
Thank you for leaving the nice review ... and yes, I am male.
Author's Response: Thank you!
Wow! This is so good. So well-thought out and original and really well written. I really liked it. Poor Scorpius. He didn't REALLY mean it...poor thing. Poor Lily too. I loved all of the characters and the story.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Yes, Scorpius didn't mean it. But neither does a person who gets in a car, crashes into another, and kills someone. Does that mean they are not responsible? That was the main idea here.
Hello James my friend! It is the long lost Amanda, here to SPEW review for you. Hee, sorry about the rhyming... and I'm sorry is this coming to you so late. I hope someone in SPEW has let it be known that my internet connection has been non-existance since Thanksgiving. You were not forgotten, I promise! Anyway, I took notes as I went along, and since you numbered your sections, this will be pretty easy!
Very strong beginning. Albus' concern is prominent, and sets just enough confusion to create curiosity.
She rested her head on Ginny’s shoulder, her face hidden beneath the tangled, scarlet mess that was a combination of her mother’s hair and her own.
The last part of this sentence is unnecessary. It makes the sentence a run-on and doesn't make much sense. If it was a combination of Harry and Ginny's hair, that makes more sense, but to be both Ginny's and her own is a confusing statement, because her hair would already be like or unlike Ginny's hair. lol, my own explanation is confusing!
When a name ends with an s, like Albus, you don't need to add and extra s to make the name possesive. Albus' rather than Albus's. Both are technically okay, but just thought I would point that out.
Albus had a suspicion he knew what his father was feeling...
suspected would flow much better and makes the verb stronger.
The only other thing about section ii, is that it is unclear where the setting is. Does this take place in the Potter's home? or have Harry and Ginny traveled to Hogwarts to comfort their children?
Albus was at the extreme opposite end of the continuum in terms of aptitude for Potions. In fact, one might even call his skills laughable. Lineage, it seemed, held true in his case. No other student had caused as many classroom explosions, melted down so many cauldrons, or ended up in the Hospital Wing with as many odd, potion-gone-wrong maladies as he had.
My only complaint about section iii is this paragraph about Albus. I'm not questioning Albus' proficiency, it fits into the story so well. But technically he comes from competent potion makers. Especially Lily, and Harry is technically not terrible at potions, under other circumstances (like his exam away from Snape) he was quite good. Perhaps instead of pointing out liniage, you could simply say that there had never been such a poor potions maker since Neville Longbottom. It could even be a joke between him and Professor Longbottom.
First of all, in the platform scene, Scorpius would already be 17. So it wouldn't matter that he apparated to the station. We know from Jo, that students must be 11 by September first to attend Hogwarts. So every student is 17 when they enter their 7th year. Hermione herself turned 18 in September of what should have been her 7th year.
It was cold morning in early December...
You need an "a" after was: It was a cold morning...
Albus was sitting opposite his sister and Jeanne.
Again, to make your verbs stronger, it is best to eliminate as many to be words as possible. This sentence would be stronger if it read: Albus sat opposite...
He wondered if he was doing it to get away from the constantly chattering.
constantly should be constant
Albus shrugged his shoulders and Scorpius chuckled and reciprocated. It was as if the two of them had telepathically exchanged the word girls.
I am not all complaints and nitpicks. I LOVE this line. It is so characteristic of boys this age and how they communicate.
Dozens of owls had suddenly burst in through the window...
Cut the "had"
When Albus turned his attention back to his sister, he found a large snowy owl standing in front of her...
Just cautioning you about using snowy owls. They are VERY rare in that part of the country. Not unheard of, obviously since Harry had one. But it's becoming rather cliched for everyone to have snowy owls. UNLESS you want to say that they became in fashion in the Wizarding world since it was commonly known that Harry once owned one. Otherwise, Lily should know who the flower was from because of the rarity of the bird itself.
“What in the bloody hell was that, Scorpius?” Albus demanded, as he and Scorpius exited the room in the dungeons where Potions were taught twenty minutes after everyone else[later].
Okay, so I murdered this sentence. Basically for the sake of clarity. It was a run on, and gave information we already know. Focus on what's important. We already know potions is held in the dungeons, so there's no need to repeat that.
“What in the bloody hell was that, Scorpius?” Albus demanded, as he and Scorpius exited the dungeons twenty minutes later. is much more clear and flows.
Albus felt himself flying across the room. He bumped his head on a table some fifteen feet from where he was standing with a loud thud.
I think a stronger adjective is needed here, especially if he hit his head with a loud thud. Smashed, bashed, or banged would be more fitting.
“She what?” Albus motion to Scorpius to finish his explanation...
motion should be motioned
and had come across several pairs of girl’s underwear looking exactly like these ones in varying pastel shades.
ones should be cut. these would suffice, plus "these ones" is common in speech, but ones is a contraticion. You either have one, or several.
Scorpius shrugged, pulling himself up into a chair...
Again, I think shrugges isn't the right ver here. Shrugging seems to passive. Maybe he could look at his shoes shamefully, or avoid Albus' eyes, something that shows more guilt.
You’d better contact your parents, and advise them to get one of those fancy attorneys that kept your grandparents out of Azkaban after the war.
In England, they are commonly known as barristers or solicitors.
She had their father’s eyes; aside from that, she looked much more like their mother, Ginny.
You already stated that Lily looks like her mother.
I wonder if he ever knew there was a line there. He did stuff like that, and he never thought about all the bad things that could happen.
Consequences is a more natural fit than "all the bad things". I know that this is dialouge, but Albus is 17 here, and I think the character you've created for him here would show his inteligence.
I really liked this story. The timeline and characterization were amazing. I loved how you developed Scorius and Albus specifically. I love that they were friend, not just eninies based on their names. I liked how the scenes were all snipets of time. There was no need to create elaborate transitions because each scen stood out on its own. Very well created and presented!
Angain, I know like I was critical, but I really enjoyed your story. I would caution you to look out for those run-on sentences. And cut out the unnecessary "to be" words like: had, was, and that. Make those verbs nice and strong and your writing will really stand out: more so than it already does.
Author's Response: Wow! Great review. I think excellent is a strong word for this story, though. Still, at some point, I will take the time to investigate and correct what you have pointed out. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to highlight these areas! Thanks, SPEW Buddy, for a very useful review.
Well, I can definitely see why this won - it very much deserves to have. You manage to characterise the next-generation so thoroughly in such a short story, leaving the reader with a very strong grasp of who Albus ans Scorpius really are. Harry's response is perfect too. I think you got his reaction spot-on.
You also manage to deal with a difficult issue very well. The law student in me is going to be spending the rest of the afternoon now puzzling over the interesting issues of intention and consent that come up though.
The opening paragraph works really well, you set up Albus' concern and a very imminent dread but then break the tension nicely with the Bowtruckle comment before rebuilding it again. I think that break really helps to avoid any risk of encroaching into melodrama and has a very real feel because those are exactly the sort of absurd thoughts people have in such horrifying situations.
I think that you have some lovely turns of phrase in there as well. I particularly love, Albus could almost see the gears of vigilantism grinding in his father’s mind. Something about that works really well.
I also really like the understated realisation that Albus can't fix this and the way you tied it to the lamp. It really makes it so much more effective not throwing the point bluntly into the reader's face.
One tiny little nit-pick I noticed was in,
He turned back to Scorpius, who had risen from his chair, walked right up to him, and punched him square in the nose with all the force he could muster, sending him sprawling over the row off desks and onto the floor.
I assume you wanted 'of' not 'off'?
The only other thing is a sentencing niggle and sorry this is just me being a pedantic lawyer, but, presuming the Wizengamot follows similar sentencing guidelines to ordinary English courts, I'd expect a sentence of more like 8-10 years (possibly a couple more if Lily's still under 16) for a rape case with similar mitigation to this one. It may well be that the Wizengamot sentences differently but I just thought I'd mention it.
Author's Response: You know, I did not do any research to see what penalties the law would require. I had the idea of vengeful, old members of Ministry sticking it to the Malfoys, now that they finally had an iron clad reason - they have, after all, gotten away with so much in the past.
Congratulations Skipper424 on this story winning. You deserve it and go Puff pride! I loved this story! ~Nicole
Author's Response: Thank you.
that is so sad! Poor Scorpius!!!
Author's Response: Thank you
I liked how Scorpius fell for Lily. That was cute. Do you think Scorpius still loves her?
Author's Response: I guess he could be, and probably dwells on it while he's in prison. Thanks for the review.
totally agree wid lilly. “I just wish it didn’t end up like this.”.... scorpious was ok... y didi have to b like dis? n wat kinda court is dis... lily was the one hu took the potion first. den y was malfoy sentenced? n ne how both of dem wer under the potions influence... no court cud sentence dem... not legally atleast!!
Author's Response: Really? I'm pretty sure a court would punich Scorpius for creating the whole situation by brewing an illegal potion, whether he meant to hurt anyone or not. We can debate the length of the sentence if you like. Either way, I thank you for reading the story and taking the time to share your thoughts. I really do appreciate the feedback very much.
Well, that was an interesting story. I liked it, it proves that our actions have consequences and sometimes serious ones.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review.
That was...quite nice. I like the idea of things, but the only thing that bugged me was towards the end; the sentence Scorpius recieved. I mean, Death Eaters recieved life in prison, would Scorpius get twenty years just because of an accidental event? And that Lily and Albus were so cold towards the end...I dunno, I just felt they might have been a bit more sympathetic. I dunno...
I did like your story, thogh, don't let the above comments fool you. ^_^
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, I really appreciated it. My whole thought process was that the Ministry, post Voldemort, has taken a very harsh stance on Dark Magic and seized the opportunity to stick it to a Malfoy when they received a iron-clad reason to. The other thing is, Scorpius's poor judgement created that whole scenario, just like drinking too much and getting behind the wheel of a car. You never mean to hurt anyone ... but its still your fault if you do. That's kind of the point of the story.
morbid but really good!
Author's Response: thanks.
This was a well written story. The circumstances are very sad but you seemed to have captured everyone's personalities very well, especially from having the story told from the brother's perspective. Keep up the good work.
Author's Response: Thank you very much.