hogwartsduchess (Anonymous) · Date:
11/07/07 19:54 · For:
I love how you start this story with action. Jumping right into the story is a great way to grab the readerís attention. One thing I do want to warn you against is using too many adverbs. Find other ways to use the same descriptive words, so that the scene is clear, but ending too many words in -ly is not a good idea.
Name: Gamma Orionis
Also, while itís always a good idea to throw in the characterís names once a paragraph, constant use of them makes for repetition, which drags down the action of the sequence and makes the story slow down. If that is your goal, great! But if not, you may want to switch to common pronouns.
Neville is very strong and powerful in this story Ė I like him like this. Neville had never thought that a human could revel in the torture of another, but these hours had opened his eyes. This, however, makes little sense. Having grown up with his parents incapacitated by the madwoman who is currently torturing him, Neville would be well aware of how someone could enjoy doing it.
Torture is a word that is so often used in this story, which kind of lessens the effects. Try looking for a few good synonyms to widen the variety and keep the story from becoming repetitious.
But the ending! OH GOD THE ENDING! It was utterly beautiful. The idea is fantastic, and I can tell that you really worked hard on the beginning and the ending Ė itís only the middle where things get a bit muddled. Itís still a very good story, and Iím really quite impressed. *hugs*
Thank you for all of the fantastic reviews over the past year, and I am honored that you asked me to look over this for you Ė and pleased to have found such a wonderful tale. Thank you for sharing it with me.
Author's Response: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for the review! im so glad you read it! and all the tips will be VERY useful for my next try at a dark/angsty fic!
the point you made about neville having grown up with his parents having been tortured seems so obvious now- thanks for pointing it out! and to the middle being muddled- its true, it was put in after i had written the fic cause it needed a bit more explaining and lengthening so i see where you're coming from.
im glad you liked the ending- it was originally more long winded but my beta shortened it a bit which was probably for the better!
again THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading this, especially since you write so many fantastic fics yourself and are my favourite author! thanks again! :):)
(Signed) · Date:
10/19/07 19:43 · For:
I decided to read this when I realized Bellatrix was present in your story (she's my favorite character), and it's tres interesting, I must say.
Your descriptions are really detailed w/o going overboard, and your characterization of Bellatrix and the Dark Lord are done nicely, which is rare. The only niggling things I have with this story so far is Voldemort using the Cruciatus curse on his most loyal and faithful servant. Although we see him use this punishment on Avery in GoF and in Wormtail in GoF as well, I think he would be a bit kinder to his most loyal servant. He seems to be almost as fond of her as his snake Nagini, although that might just be my Bellatrix/Voldy shipper inside me talking.
What I also think is a bit strange is that Neville was able to speak with the Body-Bind Curse on him (and also, somehow to summon his wand to perform the Impediment Jinx on her). The only thing I can assume is that it was some time after the curse was performed that he acted on her? However, being able to speak is not something you can do with the Body-Bind curse.
Anyways, I'll add this to my favorites, and hope you update this soon! :)
Author's Response: wow thanks for the indepth review! i understand what you mean about V using the cruciatus curse and it is a little harsh, but i thought it would help Voldemort look even more merciless that he doesn't even forgive bellatrix- the only thing i can use to justify that is in the order of the phoenix when bellatrix is sobbing in terror (... i think:S) when Voldemort finds out she didn't get the prophesy but i do see where you're coming from.
the bodybind speaking thing annoyed me too, i thought some people might catch onto that but in my haste to get it up after so many months i didnt rectify my mistake so good one on spotting it!
sorry i won't be updating this fic, it's just a one-shot but im glad you enjoyed it! thanks again for the constructive review! :D
(Signed) · Date:
10/17/07 17:47 · For:
Yay! And I actually got an e-mail alert this time, that's a first. I'm glad this got though, finally, as you put so much effort into this and it really shows.
(Signed) · Date:
10/17/07 1:02 · For:
Wow! You did a great job with characterizations -- and had a great ending for an angsty piece.
Author's Response: aw thanks! i wrote this in the summer before the 7th book came out- i just love the character of bellatrix, shes fab to write! thanks for the review!