Alrighty, well here I am again to be horribly nitpicky yet fangirly.
I feel like I'm learning quite a bit about this area, they must be close to France. I'll have to get on Google and check out these islands. But if Dumbledore starts his introduction in French, the language must me prominent in the area. Which begs to question, do the Creevey boys speak French? Is that how Dennis is able to write down what he hears? And I couldn't guess as to whether he wrote it down properly or not, I only found out how Oui is spelled a couple of years ago (and I'm 26!) so French is definitely not my forte. hee hee hee
I'm astounded that the boys were so willing to go to their rooms. How they didn't sneak back to listen in, or stay so compliantly in their separate bedrooms. Although I do love that Dennis plays with his Legos before writing in his diary. Such a boy thing to do.
Awww! You pointed out that Dennis could see the sign too. So far you've pointed out Colin's magical mysteries, but nothing from Dennis yet. I'm guessing Dennis hasn't exhibited any magical powers accidentally yet, otherwise he would probably sympathize with his brother more. But I especially liked that you included this detail. Not just that Colin found it, but both did.
The letter was priceless, it sounded as though it was penned directly from McGonagall. Formal yet informative and kind. Excellent work.
It is rather off that the passing stranger (Remus I finally find out here at the end) would know that both boys are Wizards. The fact that he assumes one is a Muggleborn is fair enough but it's stretching it to assume Dennis is one as well in passing. I think it's quite rare that two Muggle-born siblings would both be Wizards. For instance, Hermione was supposed to have a Muggle sister but she just never got written into the story. So I think it would be safe to say that no one's expecting anything from Dennis quite yet.
Again, I will state that Dennis' writing style is too mature for his age. He just doesn't sound like a 9 year old, even a very intelligent one. Sorry, I am a teacher and I see a lot of writing. Even the kids who LOVE to write aren't at this level even in the 5th grade. But your writing is beautiful it's just coming from the wrong mouth sadly.
Otherwise I'm totally enthralled. I'm anxious to see what's going on in "real time" with Dennis. I'm sure it's obvious and I'm being thick, but you've kept my interest. I would hastily rush to the next chapter, but as it is now past 2am I shall pick it up tomorrow instead.
Author's Response: Thanks again, Amanda!
The Creevey boys are rather obedient little things, aren't they, which I admit now after you are making me see this from your POV is rather astonishing...yes. Lupin's overdone perception: you're right! I'm not sure... I think, at the time I was writing this chapter, I was thinking Lupin somehow noticed Dennis also saw The Leaky... But when I wrote the part, we see Lupin going rather than coming. A common case of detail hole there, tsk.I'm glad you liked the letter. I adore that part. It's my baby, see, so it's good to see someone noticed and praised. Dennis's language, as I already said, needs tweaking from someone knowledgable like you. I can't revise it myself. Thank you once more (to think you read this until 2!), and I look forward to your nitpicking and rambling on the last chapter as well.
*hugs again*Joanna rnrn
Okay, so two things before I actually start reading...
I think it a horrid shame that we don't know each other better. I rather enjoyed reading your bio and found you quite interesting. I had no idea you were deaf! But I find that fantastic, because it's so amazing what a computer can do in equalizing everyone. I myself am blind so I understand how liberating it can be to be among friends who wouldn't know if I didn't tell them. Anyway, I think you are fantastic, and I need to hunt you down on AIM sometime soon I've decided.
My other comment is the reason why I picked this story to read. First of all, it only had 2 reviews, which in itself is sad. But you had 3 chapters with only 2 reviews total. Some of the BEST authors around here I've found are people who write for themselves, not for reviews. When a person is willing to continue to write and post chapters even when they haven't gotten much of a response is a mark of a true writer. Good for you!!
And so, I move on. I tend to comment as I read so I don't forget at the end. So prepare yourself for some pointless, I'm sure, rambling!
I love the intro. I'm still not sure where this all lies in the grand scheme of things, but the introduction of the diary is fascinating, ominous. I liked the description of the cardboard box all chained up and how easily he accessed it. I can't wait to see what treasures and turmoil it contains...
I loved the mention of the Brownie. Not a lot of people know about them in our day of digital wonderment. Excellent detail. And although I think maybe Dennis' language is a bit too profound for nine (as Colin was 11 in '92 and Dennis was 2 years behind him) I liked the misspelled words.
Okay, well I see where the story got its name now. I like how Dennis is recording the events, obviously, up until Colin goes to Hogwarts. I love the idea and the story he's telling his diary (Jim- precious). But his language is sort of off. He seems to kind of have a Southern accent with lots of 'cos and adjective use mixed in with the British terms "bugger" and so forth. But it's too mature for his age. Kids won't mention "anatomy", "jowls" or "blood rushing in their ears". They'll say stuff like "Farrows was yelling mean stuff about my brother" or "I was so mad I wanted to punch him." I love the story that Dennis is telling, but HOW he's telling it is too poetic for coming from a 9 year old in first person.
Although I liked how you had him call Colin "ezzentric" because he'd heard that word being used just that day. Kids will use words that they've just learned, but often incorrectly so that was fun.
So overall, I love the premise here (have I said that enough yet?) but the speech patterns could use some work. Specifically the accent and word choice.
You have a brilliant sense of story-telling. The narration is imaginative and fun to read. The spelling errors are great, there should probably be more, but that goes along with my comment about the language being too mature for a 9 year old.
Otherwise you have me totally hooked. I can't wait to see what you have in store for us next.
Author's Response: I think you are the fantastic one, my dear Amanda. If you didn't tell me, I wouldn't have even the least inkling! You're very blessed. *hugs* But still, aren't we all? Some just don't realise it, right?
Thank you for the rambling. Not pointless at all. You more than made up for this story's lack of reviews already, thank you so much!On Dennis' language... again, thank you for commenting on that. I'm afraid my only input regarding kids' language is through books, and most kids in books are rather like this, have you noticed? They tend to imitate adults' conversation ticks. The Creevey brothers are rather attached to their family unit rather than to their peers, so I didn't bother having my brother and sister give me a transcript of their everyday dialogues (And they do oblige me on that score at times. They like typing...). As for the accent and word choice, I'm foreign, so forgive me on these. If I want these parts polished, maybe I'll ask you or someone else just as sharp to beta it for me. ^_^
I feel so sad right now, that was absolutely heartwrenching! It was awful when I'd read Colin died in DH, he was just such a bright and enthusiastic person. This was great, and i loved the letter Colin left that got Dennis to return to the magical world, because it's not the magic that was at fault it was the horrible people abusing it.
Author's Response: Thank you, Marie! And you're right about magic.
Colin's death hit me hard. He was one of those margin characters, barely seen and heard, and yet a favourite. I liked him very much, so I made this for him and his brother. When I wrote this, I thought, 'Tonks, Lupin, Fred, Moody, Dobby and even Hedwig will probably have lots of tributes written to them. Not to mention Snape. What about Colin'? And there I went. ^_^
*sniff* pooor colin!! good story!!