Oh, I feel so bad! I hope Rosie's found!
Love Draco's last line, by the way. It was rather hilarious.
Interesting turn of events. I think that is exactly how most of the adults would behave.
Draco made really good points, but somehow I think I need a little more about what he is doing. He seems more sketched than the others, even though he is a bit more developed earlier.
Nice. This was Brilliant!!!! Love this story, SAVE ROSIE!!!!!
Nice. This was Brilliant!!!! Love this story, SAVE ROSIE!!!!!
Please update soon! i'm completely hooked- I love this story!
Wow, That was an exciting chapter!!!! Great job ;-)
OMG! WHAT HAPPENED?????
EEEK, WRITE MORE SOON!
Great. Aw, last bit next, until you write again!
(WRITE SOON XDXD)
Great great great!:)
I love this fic. So much.
Aw, go Albus! I'm glad they can overcome their prejudice. XD
I cant write much again...
I want to read more!
This is one of my favouritist fics ever!
I'm so sorry Scorpius.
I can't write much, as I HAVE to read the next chapter...
Poor Scorpius. =[
This is great.
Pure greatness. =]
Oh dear. Death Eater's out for revenge? Or could it be an angry Lucious?
Can't wait for the next chapter.
I felt this chapter was a significant improvement from the first chapter.
He was rich and self-made, something neither his father nor his grandfather had achieved; both of them had inherited the majority of their wealth.
A very good and notable difference between Draco and his father. I really like this distinction.
Scorpius considered this the least exciting thing they could possibly do, however, he obediently stood still while the little old witch and her assistant measured him.
Be careful of run-ons; don't separate sentences with commas. The comma before however, for example, should actually be a period or at the very least a semi-colon.
I'm a little surprised that Madame Malkin didn't recognize Draco. Sure, she gets quite a few customers, but Draco is a person who stands out, especially after what he'd done in his sixth year.
The encounter Draco had with Andromeda Tonks was powerful. It was a great device to get us to realize exactly how alienated the Malfoys had become, especially to members of his own family. Well done!
When he had seen Andromeda walking down the street, merely feet from him, he simply hadn’t been able to resist trying to renew family ties.
I believe it should be "merely a few feet away from him".
A girl, about his age, was frantically looking about.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Where was the girl? Near the menagerie? Or in the middle of the street? It seemed rather sudden for a girl to appear out of nowhere just looking about. Also, what prompts Scorpius to talk to the girl? This should've been a significant moment; after all, as I gathered from the first chapter, he doesn't normally talk to children his age, much less strangers. How did Scorpius feel about randomly approaching a little girl?
Scorpius tried to hide his disappointment that his father’s meeting was more important than being there when he got his first wand.
You're beginning to do a lot more telling than showing. Show us that Scorpius is upset.
The scene right after the encounter with Mr Ollivander could've used a bit more description. I think you're trying to show Pansy getting uncomfortable with what Mr Ollivander was saying, but, again, without descriptions, it's hard to say for certain.
Yes, well we were Seekers for different houses, he was famous when he arrived at school and was always showing off, it was a schoolboy grudge and it was stupid of us.
A more obvious example of run-ons.
The very last scene where Draco opens up to Scorpius is very touching. Finally we see the "kinks" in Draco's character. But, Scorpius seemed to take it all in very smoothly and quickly, too quickly, given he's only eleven. It would've better-paced the plot and would've given us a better idea of what Scorpius was feeling if you had included more of what was running through Scorpius' head. Otherwise, it seemed really rushed and not well-developed.
This first chapter seemed a bit dull since there were hardly any emotions associated with the actions. For example, the paragraph that starts with:
Before Scorpius had a chance to ask for the pancakes to be passed, several owls flew in through the open windows...
was too mechanical. Scorpius, Draco, and Pansy seem to see the owl crash, and robotically clean up after the mess. The only "emotional" reaction was from Scorpius when he jumped. What did Pansy think about her glass vase being broken? What did Draco think about the loud crash the owl and the vase made?
Pansy hurried over and Scorpius and Draco proudly clapped him on the back
I'm a little confused about who him is. Logically, it should be Scorpius, but in that sentence, it's not very clear.
Draco smiled. “Yes, and we’ll answer all your questions at dinner tonight, but right now, I have to get to work.”
Again, this part seemed off to me. It's not that I don't picture Draco saying that, bu t it's just that the tone I'm imagining him saying it with is just not right. In my head, he sounds pleasantly irritated. Perhaps if you put in more tone words, I would better understand the mood here.
With that, he glanced at his golden pocket-watch and Disapparated.
If Draco needed to get to work, wouldn't he have glanced at the pocket-watch before he announced that he had to go to work?
Pansy quickly finished hers and excused herself, explaining that she had a tight deadline for her column. She wrote for Witch Weekly and had to send this week’s off in the next few hours.
This could've been written more smoothly and more concisely with: ...explaining that she had a tight deadline for her column at the Witch Weekly.
The story about Scorpius' encounters with Gerald and Rachel Zabini was ill-placed and a bit too long to the point where it detracted from your main story. A summary of what had happened in a sentence or two was all that was necessary. If you really wanted to use the entire story, you probably might've wanted to place it at the part where we actually meet Gerald and Rachel ourselves.
Normally he only had to ask once, unless it was an animal, then the answer was “No.”
An awkward sentence. Again, some details detract from the story, making it seem more like a ramble than an actual part of the story.
Scorpius couldn’t be certain but he suspected that his father disliked the drawing room and perhaps some other parts of the mansion.
Here is where some details were actually called for. Maybe in the future, you can show how Scorpius came to that conclusion by showing Draco reacting to the rooms.
The chapter reminded me of one of those old television shows where the characters gathered around and tried to hide any unpleasantness with very light and simple tones. I'm not entirely sure if that was what you were aiming for. Even if it were, it would help to show a few character slip-ups now and then just to show that this is a facade. In any case, it gave the chapter a very odd and unnatural feel. I think it came from the lack of descriptions when it came to actions and tone. I did, however, adore the way you introduced the chapter. The first paragraph had a wonderfully light and springy taste to it.
I'm curious to see why there's such a dramatic change between the Malfoys shown here and the Malfoys in the books. They're so much friendlier and family-like here than they were in the books. Again, a few slip-ups to show that they are the same people I know would be good.
Finally, and I'm sure you already know this, Pansy didn't end up marrying Draco. Perhaps you need a little note/warning to indicate this canon difference.
Yikes! Cliffhanger! I like this story a lot. Poor Draco, having to put up with a kid like Scorpius...
I wonder who professor proudfoot is. I have a feeling that its someone familiar.