MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Name: Cinderella Angelina
(Signed) · Date:
11/26/07 21:37 · For:
Fascinating concept! I would’ve liked to hear a bit more about why wands came into fashion. I thought it was really interesting that they went back exactly 1000 years, and that was when the Founders were working. It would be so cool to meet them!
I thought your characterization was right on. Minerva was snippy, Tom was sneaky, and Dumbledore was calm and helpful. I was confused about whether or not Dumbledore was actually Headmaster because that was how it seemed. Even though Dippet was the Headmaster. So I would suggest a word or two to make it clear who’s really in charge. I still agree with Minerva going to Dumbledore – that is definitely the first thought I would have if Perfect Prefect Tom Riddle had just broken my wand.
I wish Minerva had used more wandless magic. It looks way cool. But also seeing Tom’s reaction to another power would frighten me off using it too. I can understand why she blamed herself for Riddle going wrong, but she really ought to realize that he was wrong way before there was wandless magic.
Just a couple nitpicks:
“Why don’t ye try some simple spells while I fix ye devic?” “device,” you mean, I think. :)
The once dark eyes were cold, and he had a maniacal smile on his face. I don’t see any reason for there to be a “once” in that sentence. Just because his eyes are cold doesn’t preclude them from still being dark.
And! “I wish I could say that was true, Minerva.” What?! I totally understand why Minerva’s confused. How I wish Snape hadn’t walked in at that moment. Because I definitely didn’t expect Dumbledore to say that.
I liked your opening line, too. Sucked me right into the story. Tom Riddle? Dead? Very clever, I say. :)
That’s about all I had to say about this one. Have a nice day! *D*
Author's Response: Thank you! This is my latest fic, so I love hearing what people think. I was really worried about Tom's character; I'm glad he came good(well, really bad) in the end. I loved writing this fic, and I'm glad to have your feedback. ~ Teresa
(Signed) · Date:
10/08/07 2:57 · For:
Hmm…this is an interesting and well-written story. You’ve got Tom, Minerva and Dumbledore characterised perfectly – Tom speaking ‘coolly’ and ‘smoothly’, Minerva being clever and takes no nonsense, Dumbledore being calm and reasonable. The way they all interacted with each other was just right as well.
Overall I thought it was plausible as well, apart from the fact that the founders and Minerva & Tom wouldn’t have been able to understand each other so easily due to the language of that time being so different from the English of today. Still, there’s not really any way to get around that in fanfiction, so I think the way you did it, giving the Founders a slightly different accent and vocabulary was good :-)
It also struck me as odd that Minerva and Tom could pick up wandless magic so easily. You seemed to be heading towards the idea that modern wizards only need wands because they think they need wands, in which case I think it would have been harder for M and T to get used to not needing one. But, suppose they did become very powerful and no doubt they would have been some of the most talented students in school, so that can be explained away.
A couple of little mistakes I spotted:
She grabbed his wand, and with a wave of it,, Tom Riddle couldn’t move his legs.
You only need one comma after ‘it’ ;-)
“Yes,” replied Godric. “Why don’t ye try some simple spells while I fix ye devic?”
There should be an e on the end of devic(e)
I liked this a lot, overall. Great job!!
Author's Response: Thank you! I had a lot of problems with the Founder's language, so I'm glad that turned out all right. I'll fix those mistakes ASAP. Thanks again. ~ Teresa
(Signed) · Date:
10/03/07 17:59 · For:
I do like this, very very good! And true to the characters! I can tell you worked hard on this good job.
Author's Response: Thank you so much!