MuggleNet Fan Fiction
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Name: AidaLuthien (Signed) · Date: 03/19/11 21:24 · For: Prologue: Shadow and Light...
Your style is very interesting, but you might want to tone it down a bit. It's quite grandiose, which can be good, particularly in a prologue, which needs to sound a bit mysterious to draw readers in. More on that later.

Some of your sentences are really long and the syntax becomes quite twisted, for example, "Earth is the microcosm of the macrocosm for good and evil both have been done and always have the two been entwined in the other’s machinations."

In trying to sound very serious, it ends up sounding rather absurd.

On a smaller note, you've set up two opposing forces - good/evil, right/wrong, etc. The whole point of yin and yang is that the forces are NOT opposing, they work together. There is a spot of white within the black, and a spot of black within the white. They are not diametrically opposed, they exist in the same cycle. To conflate yin and yang with good and evil is a gross simplification of Daoist philosophy.

Additionally, within the prophecy you write that "a triumvirate will be the antithesis to the dark being" but then you list FIVE people. A triumvirate consists of three people - not five. You imply that two of of the five will die before facing the evil (I think) but it's so unclear that I can't even tell.

Also, prophecies in Harry Potter don't seem to be quite this... fuzzy, for lack of a better word. The major fuzziness in Trelawney's prophecy about Harry is who it refers to - Neville or Harry, since they are both born to parents who defied the Dark Lord three times at the end of July. But the next part - the Dark Lord will mark him - makes it quite clear that Harry is the other part of the prophecy.

The end of the prologue is also quite uninspiring. The last sentence could have been cut out completely, and the ellipsis was utterly unnecessary.

Lastly, we have absolutely no idea who this council is, just that apparently five of them decide to do these things.

In short, I am utterly uninspired to read the rest of this story despite my initial intrigue.

Name: kri (Signed) · Date: 03/12/11 0:45 · For: Chapter 6
love it......yum yum...wen is the nexT?

Author's Response: I should be submitting it some time this week :) Thanx for the review

Name: kri (Signed) · Date: 01/31/11 3:53 · For: Prologue: Shadow and Light...
lovely...just lovely...pls rite more...nd nice Dragon Ball Z names i presume...l.ol

Name: bigtimer (Signed) · Date: 11/28/10 5:13 · For: Coven Cell Assignments
such and good chapter really like this story. i'm glad that your going to be updating once a week now i can't wait to see how they make the wands. keep up the great work.

Name: nesit721 (Signed) · Date: 05/11/08 8:22 · For: Prologue: Shadow and Light...
This is probably the most complicated prologue that I have ever read. It also used some pretty big words, and I had to look up the meaning of quite a few of them. This looks like it will be a great fic, and I can't wait until I can read more of it.

Name: ElizElizer (Signed) · Date: 04/17/08 11:29 · For: Prologue: Shadow and Light...
I only have one word for your prologue:
WOW! It’s absolutely brilliant and beautiful and truthful. There really cant be good with out evil, you cant appreciate the good with out experiencing the bad.
I cant wait to read more.

Name: Binka Fudge (Signed) · Date: 04/01/08 15:04 · For: American Sorcery & Centurion Academy
What a fascinating chapter. It's a little different to Hogwarts isn't it? I love new ways of doing things. Wish i could make my dinner appear like that, it'd save so much on cooking time. There is a little familiar feeling with the staff, and was the caretaker being called Filch coincidence? I can't wait to read on and find out who the boy was that smiled at him or what exactly the headmistress has to tell him and who the others in the prophecy are. I can't believe anyone would give up such an amazing opportunity, but I suppose they all felt they had reasonably pleasant lives to begin with and as they'd remember nothing it wouldn't matter. The time difference was an excellent idea. Shame they couldn't do that at all magic schools so everyone would be better prepared for the war. But I suppose if the good guys can do it, the bad guys can too? Anyway, sorry for rambling, great chapter, please update soon.

Author's Response: Thanx for the review. Yeah, I felt that it would be more beneficial to have a smaller magical community in my version of the way America would do things. I will go ahead and tell you that the Filch in the story is supposedly Argus' cousin and will go into more detail as to why he is in America later on. Most of the people voluntarily giving up this opportunity is attributed to fear of fighting and the already unfamiliar, scary thought of magic to begin with; especially, after having just found out about this "new" world. I hope you like my story and will continue to read and again, thank you...

Name: Binka Fudge (Signed) · Date: 11/26/07 18:17 · For: Rapture From A Bashing
This was certainly not what i was expectiong, but a powerful, well written chapter nontheless. I just want to say that those three boys deserved cursing for what they did, not letting off. That's the problem with the justice system these days. Sorry, but I know someone who was attacked by a gang and they nearly died. Anyway, I can't wait for the next update.

Name: Binka Fudge (Signed) · Date: 11/26/07 17:49 · For: Prologue: Shadow and Light...
This first chapter was very confusing at first, but I got the main point. I'm interested to see who the five will be, well four, I guess the boy who lived is Harry? NEXT button here i come.

Name: Stubbornly_appeared (Signed) · Date: 11/14/07 1:02 · For: Rapture From A Bashing
Woah. That was wierd, mate. Interesting. I'm wondering about what directions this is going to take... hm....

Name: Jules37178 (Signed) · Date: 10/14/07 15:16 · For: Prologue: Shadow and Light...
this sounds like a great fic, I am waiting for the rest of the story

Name: JoharinNebarSephrite (Signed) · Date: 10/03/07 11:02 · For: Prologue: Shadow and Light...
Well you truly got my interest keep writing you had better not leave us hanging.

Author's Response: Don't worry, like I posted in the author's notes, I have already written the story and will only be waiting for each chapter to be approved b4 I go on to the next. I hope you will like it and thanx for the review.

Name: JoharinNebarSephrite (Signed) · Date: 10/03/07 11:02 · For: Prologue: Shadow and Light...
Well you truly got my interest keep writing you had better not leave us hanging.

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