This is a very sweet story. I've always thought there might be something intriguing between Ginny and Luna, and in one of my own stories, I have them hooked up (not posted yet). It's nice to find someone else intrigued by the idea!
The plot is simple but poignant. I like how it's just this one moment, and that they carry it with them forever. That's nice. The conflict was done well, too. I could really feel Ginny's conflict about her desire for Luna. That was a great internal conflict. I also liked the external conflict: Luna's brief hurt that Ginny would only want her if it stayed secret, and how she understood that. There was something so powerfully moving about that, and it fits so well with Luna's character. And that brings me to the characterisation. I thought both characters were elegantly in character. It's hard to do Luna well, but I think you managed it in this short moment in time.
That said, there were a number of problems that kept these great strengths from shining as much as they could. You have a wonderful sense of imagery and have some very interesting descriptions throughout this piece, but there are just too many of them. They tend to crowd each other out. So, as the reader, I would just get immersed into this great image only to be immediately thrust into another. Some might call it purple prose, but I dislike that term and find it misleading. I do like really beautiful prose, and some of the prose I like has been termed "purple prose" by readers who prefer the prose to stay completely invisible. I don't think it has to be invisible, but I also don't think it should be distracting. For example, in your first three sentences, you have the following images: red flashes, washed with darkness, hair highlighted with gold, light-footed, dying embers, weaving lithely, crimson armchairs with overstuffed cushions, briefly illuminated eyes, and smoldering remnants of logs. You also use the verb "dart" twice in the last two sentences of that group. All of these are really interesting, but you move through them so quickly, it feels overwhelming. I found myself skimming and getting out of the story because I felt bombarded by so many different images. And this continued throughout the story. Another problem I had was the coding. Why not just say "Ginny" and "Luna"? Why does it have to be "the flame-haired girl" and the "moon-girl"? It felt very contrived to me, especially once they were together and talking. It works for a few mentions, but after that, it gets old. Along with that, I found the metaphor about the birds to be just too obvious and extended. Again, I felt like your desire to be clever and poetic distracted me from getting into the story. Finally, I like present tense in stories sometimes, but here, there were moments that it felt jarring. After dialogue, in particular, I kept expecting past tense. It didn't really flow for me.
Overall, I did like this story, even though the things I didn't like seemed to have more of an effect. The problem was that I could see how beautiful this moment was, and yet, I couldn't get into it because the prose, imagery, and figurative language kept getting in the way. I haven't looked at all of your stories, but I wouldn't be surprised if you have some amazing poetry up here. Your descriptions are truly unique and interesting, and I'd love to see what you could do if you spread them out more.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review! First off, I'd like to say that I agree with you wholeheartedly on most of your points; I wrote this when I was thirteen (or fourteen . . . somewhere thereabouts), and my writing skills weren't very developed then. I'm more than a bit embarrassed to think that people are still looking at this, to be honest, but your review was quite kind. I feel like there are things I can take away from your criticisms even today. However, the one decision I still stand by was to keep from mentioning their names. I freely admit that I carried it out very clumsily, but I was hoping to make the atmosphere seem more . . . I don't know, private. I liked to think that keeping them anonymous, although it couldn't be clearer who they are, lessened the impression of voyeurism that's inherent to stories told in the third person. As I've said, I did a terrible job of conveying this, but I feel like the idea would have potential in the hands of a better writer. Or maybe even my present-day self. ;-P Again, thank you for the review, and thank you especially for keeping it from stinging too hard.
I thought this was really well-written. It's very descriptive and makes nice use of metaphors. I also like that you didn't use their names. It gave the story a feeling like being shrouded in a slight haze. Like the fog just before a sunrise, or the weird sensation of being lit with moonlight. It was really nice.
Author's Response: Thank you very much!
Aww this is cute and innocent. -le sighs-
Author's Response: Thank you. =-D
Author's Response: Thanks.
A really cute story!
Author's Response: Thank you very much!
Aww! That was so cute!
Author's Response: Thank you!
This is really good and well written!
Author's Response: Much appreciated!
oh, short but beautiful!
Author's Response: Thanks! =-]
How infuriating...it cut off the rest of my review! Okay, whatever. So anyway...
I'm not sure how to describe this. It's too well written and beautiful to be "cute", and yet it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It's really quite sweet, and the imagery is gorgeously done. I love how you don't refer to Ginny and Luna really by name, but relate them to fire and moon instead. This was great!
Author's Response: Wow, thanks!! I'm so glad you liked it.
First off, let me say that I love the Coldplay quote at the beginning. I
Don't worry I found out!
That was a really thoughtful and powerful story. Could you explain what Slash (as a category) means?
Author's Response: Thanks!
I loved the sentence: "The girl named after the moon and the girl with the flame hair stood side by side" I also liked the way you did not say their names and just called them moon-girl and flame-girl. :)
Author's Response: Thanks a lot!
I haven't read much femmeslash yet, but I'm quite convinced by this fanfic, it's really sweet. ;)
You have some beautiful descriptions at the beginning and end; I also love the part about Luna's name and the line about the stars, it fits her character perfectly.
Ginny needs to contrast more, I think. If she *did* get caught up in Luna's dreaminess, she wouldn't just refuse any relationship - either make her different from the beginning or not; but then stick to it till the end.
Like some others, I also found the ending a bit rushed. Talking of "we can't be together" immediately after a first kiss seemed a little strange.
But all in all, I liked it! :D
Author's Response: You're right about the rushed bit at the end . . . I'll try to think of a way to change it. Thanks for your review!
Nice work - really well written!
However, I think the ending would work better if you had chosen two other characters. Not that I didn't like the pairing, but Ginny and Luna are two of the most independent girls we have met in the series. Luna is widely known to be completely regardless of what the others think of her, and Ginny has always gone her own way and certainly wouldn't give up her own happiness just because of what other people think is good for her. Besides, the Weasley family is known to be extremely tolerant, and Ron probably wouldn't be angrier about his sister being in love with a girl than he was when he found out that she was in love with Harry.
Anyway, nice story. I like the sad ones...
Author's Response: Hmm . . . I hadn't really thought about that. My only justification for Ginny's OOCness is that I needed to explain why she wasn't with Luna for the rest of the series. However, I do have a response to the comment about Ginny's family. While we know that the Weasleys are tolerant toward Muggles, we also know that they're very old-fashioned, so for all we know they could be homophobic. It's not very likely, but the books don't specifically state otherwise . . . Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you liked the story.
wow, i really like the story, your a good author. you used alot of adjectives, almost too many, but for the story its just enough. however, some of your statement seem to come out of a thesaurus, just saying. oh, and they use wood in the fireplaces, not coals. but asside from that, its really good!!!!!! i know it sounds like im trying to put u down, but its the complete opposite. im only real scrutinizing when an author is really good. im serious, im adding this story right now!!!
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! And I'm not offended at all by your comments; I'm always open to constructive criticism.
This was a swet story, but it seemed a bit rushed, to tell the truth. I dunno, for me, Ginny kissed Luna just a bit too quickly. But maybe I'm weird and like to drag thins out...*shrugs* This was my first femmeslash fic, and I really liked it! Good job!~
Author's Response: Glad you liked it!
Awww.. It's floofy, but I like it!
I remember the cute warning in your signature about femmeslash - it's kind of you to place it there - just in case.
I like femmeslash though and I think you thought of a lovely pairing - I adore Luna and I think Ginny is interesting in any pairing (except when paired with Harry ;). What was your inspiration?
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it, even if it was floofy :) After I read Dracona Fortuna's review I thought it'd be a good idea to tell people who don't pay attention to the warnings about the subject matter. And as to the inspiration, I've always wanted to do femmeslash, and Ginny/Luna was one I'd been considering for awhile.
seemed a bit fast to me, not much of a build up to them but still enjoyed it. short and sweet :)
and Dracona Fortuna if you don't like femmeslash why on earth are you reading it? *rolls eyes*
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it. I thought it was a little fast, too, but I did what I could :)