Nice job lizey!
I felt so bad for Nat. I wish she wasn't a squib. You did a good job of portraying those feelings of exclusion that we never really saw first hand in the books.
How did you come up with Nephthy's name? That's pretty original, haha. I've read all the other comments and agree and can't really think of anything else to say other than GOOD JOB and see you soon!
Did this place at all?
Jules
Author's Response: No, it didn't place, unfortunately. And Nephthys came from a baby names website, cause I'm a sketch and look at those when I can't think of what to name my characters. Thanks for reviewing Juliaa =]
Not fitting in is what i do best, despite my fruitless attempts. I can empathise with Natalie, and I'm so glad Gil changed his mind in the end.
Wow. I love the little exchange at the end of the second chapter. I was almost sure that Natalie wouldn't do anything and that all her attempts would be futile. I was starting to feel very sorry for her but I'm glad she decided to take action one more time. :)
Although I think that Gil's parents will never let their son be friends with a Squib, even after Natalie's rant, the story ended on a hopeful note with a world full of promise in one sentence. (Just because Gil's parents won't let him be with Natalie doesn't mean that they can really stop him. ;))
I liked this realistic resolution to the story. She might not have managed to change society's view on Squibs, but she has managed to secure herself a friend in the magical world. Although I do wonder what her boarding school might think of the owls! hehe.
Good luck with the challenge. :D
Tash
Author's Response: Thanks so much! Yeah, I wanted to give the story somewhat of a happy ending, so that was how I decided to do it in the end--I wrote many different versions of the conversation at King's Cross =] Thanks for your review! =D
good characterization of someone who discovers she is a Squibb and how she deals with it.
Author's Response: thanks!
Bonjour!
I absolutely loved the first chapter of your story! I grew to love Natalie, and you described her feelings of being '2nd best' so well, I really connected with her.
But I hate Gil. Why did he have to go and tell his parents, stupid boy????? And the way he kept levetating stones. Didn't he understand that wasn't going to help???
I also thought you showed really well her disapointment, and determination to 'become' a witch. Poor girl.
I have a few corrections for you:
I thought her big sister's name was a bit...odd. You have Natalie, which is a perfectly normal name and them you have...Ne-something. They didn't 'fit' parents do tend to give similar names to their children (i.e. Elizabeth and Emily) or names that are of the same period. If I were you, I'd change her big sis' name to something slightly easier to pronounce.
'Gil had been my best friend since infancy, ' ------ I think 'infancy' sounds a bit posh. You could have 'since we were little' or 'since childhood' or something along those lines.
But, apart from that, it was a very good first chapter.
Author's Response: Thanks so much! Gil is rather annoying, isn't he? I had to have him tell his parents to move the story forward, I think you'll agree, however irritating it makes his character =P As for the Nephthys-Natalie thing, I wanted to give Neph a more unusual name because she's always overshadowed Natalie, and because it emphasizes their differences, at least in their mother's eyes. Props to Phia Phoenix (below) for picking up on that ;] Thanks for reviewing!
Awww...!! That's the sweetest story I've read in such a long time! I almost cried. Poor Nat and Gil!
Author's Response: Thanks!
at first i thought she was going to show magic, but i love that ending!!
Author's Response: thanks! it took me awhile to work out the ending, but I'm happy with it too. Thanks for reviewing!
Woah! My daughter's name is natalie!
I really liked it. The whole time I was like wishing she was a witch. good job.
Author's Response: Thank you!
Argh! What a cliffhanger! This is what I hate about reading incomplete stories.
I love the characters you've created here. Neph is very nicely characterised, and so is Gil. Natalie is lovely too. In fact, so is her mum. That's not terribly helpful, is it?
I like the way you gave Neph and Gil unusual, wizard-like names and Natalie a more ordinary one. This made the difference between them show up clearly.
And Natalie's reaction to the fact that she can't do magic, and to Gil's teaching skills (or lack thereof) are very, very well-portrayed. That is exactly how I would imagine reacting if I was in that situation. The way you've written it also flows beautifully, and you have that rare skill of making the reader feel like they're actually there. The bit that stood out to me, and that I liked the best was
I lay on my bed later that day, staring at the ceiling. Gil’s words bounced around inside my head: I’m not a prodigy. I’m normal. A tear slid down my cheek. Never in my life had I felt this helpless. Gil thought I was abnormal. If this was the reaction of my best friend I couldn’t imagine how my parents would respond when I told them.
I'm still not sure why I liked it more than any other bit, but at that stage I felt like I could completely sympathise with Natalie. You just described the moment so well. I had this really clear vision flashed before my eyes of a girl lying on her bed with a tear sliding down her face as her worl came crashing down around her. Superb.
Sending an owl to Dumbledore sounds very... Petuna-ish. I get the feeling I know the response she's going to get. Poor kid.
This is a really, really great fic. If it doesn't place I will want to know how many galleons the winner is paying the mods!
Phia
Author's Response: wow, thanks so much! Yeah, the letter to Dumbledore idea was pretty much inspired by Petunia in DH...I figured it was probably the natural reaction someone would have in that situation. Thanks for reviewing! I'm so glad you liked it =]
This was brilliant. I really hope Dumbledore writes back to let her know she really is a witch. Not being able to tell your family something that important shows the twisted prejudice of the world. Not just muggle but wizard also.
Just from the random mentions of Squibs in the books, we can get the idea that they were shunned, but this was heartbreaking. I can’t wait to read the second part of this and Like I said before, I would love the letter from Dumbledore to tell her, her letter is coming right on schedule. Great job and I will see you at the finish.
Author's Response: thank you so much! The next chapter is on its way, I promise. It's taking me a bit longer than anticipated to work out the ending but I should have it up by the end of the week. =] Thanks for your review!
Wow! I really like this. I kind of stumbled upon it and love it! I never really read stories like this, but I'm glad I read this. I think the way you describe Natalie's feelings about being a Squib are very realistic and interesting. As for Gil, what a jerk! Why would he tell his parents? I had a feeling it was coming though.
What a jerrrrrrrk.
Anyway! I can't wait for the next chappie! :D
Author's Response: haha thanks! I'm nearly done with the next chapter; I should be submitting it within the next few days. thanks for reviewing!
