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Reviews For World of the Dead

Name: luinrina (Signed) · Date: 07/25/08 12:28 · For: Facing the Truth
That's a wonderful chapter, Tiffy, I really liked it. Especially how you brought in the complicated relation each of the three had with the others. I liked that Orion in the end accepted that he had made mistakes, and I'm looking forward to see if he's going to apologise.

There's one thing I noticed: You once wrote Muggle-born without the hyphen.

Wonderful chapter again.

Name: gryffindorboi (Signed) · Date: 07/22/08 10:28 · For: Facing the Truth
Great! Nice view into the Black family background and characters we rarely got to interact with in the HP books. Happy writing! Cheers!

Name: luinrina (Signed) · Date: 07/17/08 4:53 · For: Truth, Lies, and Consequences
Wonderful chapter, I liked it. I especially liked that Regulus spoke up and told both his brother and father to stuff the argument since both wouldn’t change anything because they were already dead.

My only little nitpick: Please decide on only one way to write – pure-blood, pureblood or Pureblood. You’re mixing all kinds and that’s a bit pesky, at least for me. Other than that: two thumbs up. I’m looking forward to read more. You’re a really good writer.


Name: luinrina (Signed) · Date: 07/17/08 4:19 · For: The Beginning of an Awkward Reunion
This chapter was quite good. I liked how you brought Regulus in there, and that he was happy to see his brother again, as was Sirius to be able to see Regulus again. It shows that both brothers were indeed quite close in their childhood and early youth, before Sirius got alienated from his family and left the Blacks for good.

In some parts I had the impression though that Regulus isn’t able to stand up against his brother, like in these sentences:

"Sirius, I don't think that's -"
"But, Sirius --"

To me he sounds a bit too childish, backing down too fast. We all know that Sirius has quite a temper and that Regulus as the younger would probably cave in, but both are grown men by the time of your story, and I believe Regulus would – after what he’d done with the locket and all – be a bit stronger than he appears in this chapter. He had been able to stand up against Voldemort, so why not against his brother as well? In my opinion he should have protested a bit more; since we know so little about him, you can practically exhaust the way of how he would have reacted to his brother getting snappy, even if it would have resulted in a fight between the brothers. That would have been interesting to read.

About the commas: there shouldn’t be one when you use three periods to mark a trailing off; I noticed you did that twice. And proper names should be written with a capital letter, so it’s Firewhisky and Butterbeer; but since I don’t know whether the American book versions write it with minuscule letters, you can as well ignore this sentence if this should be the case. I know only the British editions, and there proper names are written with capital letters.

Paragraph 14: demanding instead of demandint
Paragraph 19: When you end a personal speech, you should use only a comma, not a combination with a period.

What you should also decide on is how to write Sirius’ blood status: pure-blood or pureblood. The former is the British version. But even if you choose to write American (if the second on is how it appears in the American editions), you should nonetheless stick with only one form and not change throughout a chapter.

To sum up, I liked this chapter, Tiffy, and I’m looking forward to the third and beyond.


Name: fg_weasley (Anonymous) · Date: 05/14/08 22:34 · For: Behind the Veil
I've always wondered what exactly happened to Sirius after he fell through the veil. Like, how would he die? What would happen to his body, if he really was dead? I like the idea of this fic and that it explores this very idea. You did it wonderfully, too. I like the way you showed the aspects of where he was and what was going to happen. You set the rules for a whole other world quite well, I think.

I loved the fact that James and Lily were there waiting for him. It so perfect and right, you know? Their talk was great, and I loved how they would be the ones to explain things to him. The only thing I wonder now is how long he was in there before this and what he had been doing all that time. Falling? Sleeping? What? lol.

I also really loved how you showed Sirius' concern for Harry after he realizes he's dead. Its so like him, and it sort of made me laugh when James acted so calmly and matter-of-factly. They compliment each other, and I really liked that you were able to show this. I like how you explain this this is 'Sirius' version of the afterlife;' I think its a fresh new way of looking at it, that everyone's is different, and I like it.

The bit where Sirius recollects the past and how Lily and James got to be together and all that was great too. It was lovely to see it through Sirius' eyes as a sort of glossed overview, if you know what I mean.

Okay, the beginning. It was good, but I think it could have been a bit more eye catching. You're beginning is what brings the readers in; you want it to make an impact. I think, myself, I would have liked to have seen you shart off perhaps with the moment Sirius was hit. It would have been nice to see from his point of view perhaps a thought that might have crossed his mind, you know? Or to see the scene written in italics just to set the mood and the scene. I feel that the paragraph you began with it sort of set in a way that it could be proceeded by something like this.

Now, other nitpicks:

He quickly glanced around him to take in his surroundings. But there were not many 'surroundings' to take in.

When I first read this, I read it as one sentence. Then I realized its actually written as two. Its probably partially because I really don't like to start a sentence with 'but.' I think it would be better suited if you combined them.

He started banging his head on the walls, and screaming at the top of his lungs, hoping that someone would hear him.

Banging his head? Really? To be honest, I can't really picture him doing this. Seems sort of silly to me. :p I can see him more punching the wall, or perhaps just hitting it with the palm of his hands. Also, in this same paragraph, I find it slightly odd that Sirius just starts crying. Seems perhaps just a tad OOC, to me. Also, the bit right after that when he just suddenly stopped and started searching for the door seemed a little awkward, like it could use a smoother transition.

He was just about to try and break down the obstacle when he suddenly remembered that he had a wand -- a member of the Order had given him one before he set off to the Ministry, -- and he quickly pulled it out of his front pocket, pointing it at the door.

First off, I really liked this whole paragraph. My favorite is when you say he growled in frustration--its great imagery and I can really see Sirius doing this sort of thing. Good characterization in that regard, love. Only thing, I don't think there's a comma before that second hyphen.

But it was not the smell of fresh paint or the sight of the picture-adorned walls or the new furniture that captivated Sirius's attention.

Again, that but sort fo makes me cringe. Sorry, love, but I just don't like it as a start. Also, I think there should be commas before every 'or.'

"We really had no idea that you'd get here so soon. It's great to see you even if the circumstances aren't the best. Of course you know James, it has been non-stop talk about you since 'it' happened." Lily stated, shivering at the thought of that fateful night when her and James had lost their lives. after James and Sirius broke from the hug and went to sit around the table with Lily.

There should be a comma when Lily is done talking, not a period. The next sentence should also begin with a capital. :D I think, too, that here is another example of awkward transitioning. At first I didn't know who was talking, and I think you could have done something to draw the attention to Lily before she began to speak.

He nocited, however, that Sirius was still confused as to what had happened, and where he was.

Did you mean noticed?

"And you know that, Padfoot." he said.

Another dialogue comma mistake.

Okay, I think thats enough of that. lol. Like I said, I really enjoy the idea of this fic and how you presented them. Its a great aspect to explore and can be seen differently. This is only one view, but I really like it and I like the way you portrayed it. It seems like it could be plausible, and thats really great.

nikki :D

Author's Response: Thank you oh so much, Nikki love. =) rnrnAll of the things you pointed out I didn't really notice. >.< Lol. And another thing, I am dreadful at commas. Haha. You probably noticed that though, since you betaed for me. =)rnrnI was actually thinking of rewriting this entire story after I get closer to finishing it. I'm still trying to work on chapter four and all, but yeah. Writer's block sucks. rnrnAlso, I wrote a drabble that I might actually lengthen into a one-shot, so that I could go from "The Noble and Most Ancient House of .. Nevermind" to the oneshot to this one. =) Tie them all together.rnrnhaha.. I'm glad you liked it though. Now I'm rambling... >.>

Name: Talon_Strike (Signed) · Date: 03/20/08 22:51 · For: Truth, Lies, and Consequences
GREAT story, don't stop now!

Author's Response: Thanks, love. And trust me, I'm not stopping now. I just have a bit of writer's block. =\ I am getting a little help with ideas from my beta and my lovely Badgers and such. There may be an update coming up within the next month or so. Just keep checking back or whatnot. I'm glad you enjoyed it. =D

Name: coppercurls (Signed) · Date: 02/03/08 11:46 · For: The Beginning of an Awkward Reunion
This is a really interesting story, I like your take on the afterworld being based in each person's thoughts and perceptions. However, because of this, particularly in the first chapter, I really found myself craving more description of the room. What was the floor made of? What colors were the pictures? Was there any noise when the glasses clinked or shoes scuffed? Were there smells and textures? Throughout the story, try to use more of a show, don't tell theory and it will keep the pace moving along much better and will cut down on the need for such heavy explinations of everything.

You do a really good job of having James and Lily calm down Sirius. Both of them seem in character, particularly James. I was a little worried about Sirius's continual screaming since he is usually the cool and collected one, although I also understand that this situation might make anyone a little hysterical.

I really love this second chapter, particularly the interaction of Sirius and Regulus. You show them to be brothers above all else, and you also show the importance of family which seems to be predominantly linked with all the ideas of blood and purity. Even Sirius shows a bit of "blood being thicker than water." I like the way you have Regulus slowly revealing not only his concern for his brother, but thier father's concern as well. It is nicely introduced into the conversation so that it does not feel awkward.

You do leave us with a wonderful (terrible) cliff-hanger with bringing back the father, I can't wait to see what the next chapter brings. Creating new worlds based on new theories is hard to do, but you definately have a solid beginning set for the reader. Good luck in the future!


Author's Response: Thank you for the great review. I understand what you mean about describing more things about the room. I'm not really too great at writing discriptions to a full extent. I don't know. It's just one of my weaknesses. In later chapters I will try to do this better, and if I can't think of anything, I'm sure my wonderful beta would have some ideas. I'm in the process of writing the third chapter, so I should be sending it to my beta hopefully by the end of the week. :) I'm glad you enjoyed it, though, and thank you for your suggestions. I really will try to use more discription. =)

Name: Magik 13 (Signed) · Date: 02/02/08 14:01 · For: Behind the Veil
I love the idea! Great plot, I havn't seen one like this before (maybe I havn't been scanning through the right categories to find one) but I'm glad I found this by chance. Another amazing fanfic featuring my favourite maurauder! Yey!

I was also just reading thorugh the other reviews - I don't think I can write as much as two others did so I'll be quick and leave this review by saying well done and I can't wait to read the next chapter. :D

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm happy you liked it. I should have the third chapter done by the end of this week. Then I just need to send it to my beta, and then submit it. So, keep checking back within the next 2-3 weeks, and it will hopefully be up and running. :)

Name: hglover92 (Signed) · Date: 02/01/08 18:51 · For: The Beginning of an Awkward Reunion
Wow, I never would hve thought for Sirius to meet his dad after he died. And in a personal opionion I always thought that Sirius would completely ignore his brother even in death. But I do like your ideas, I'v eread a whole lot of Sirius' afterlife but yours is th efirst i've read with Sirius wanting to see his father and brother. I hope you update soon.

Author's Response: Haha. Yeah, I figured I'd give the readers a little bit of a shock. The third chapter will be more of a shock. ;) I'm almost finished writing it, so I should be sending it to my beta within the next couple of days... So, check back within like 2-3 weeks, maybe? And the third chapter, which I have yet to come up with a title for, may be up and running. I'm glad you liked it, though. :)

Name: FeatherTrader (Signed) · Date: 01/21/08 14:16 · For: Behind the Veil
Sirius! *tacklehugs*

Okay, now that that's out of my system. =] I really like this story so far, I've never read anything like it. Although, I must admit, I usually am stuck to the Marauder Era like duct tape. I'm really curious to see where you take it.

There were a few spots that confused me, however. Like, the fact that when Sirius first came into Lily and James's "room" and they were telling him how he was dead, they tried to jostle his memory by telling him of Bellatrix shooting a spell at him and the momentum pushing him back into the curtain. Yet, later in the one-shot, they start asking him if he remembered what happened before he died, if he would tell them what was going on. Earlier on, it seemed like they knew what had happened. But then towards the end it seemed like they knew nothing.

We know it's going to take some time for you to accept this and become used to the fact that you're never going to be able to see anyone on the other side again, and we are willing to wait."

The group seems to dwell on the idea that they're never going to see anyone from the other side again for a while. Yet, couldn't they see them as soon as they die? Since when they first start explaining everything, they tell Sirius that the dead can only see other dead people? So, as unpleasant as the idea might sound, couldn't Sirius see Harry when he dies? Not the same thing, I realize, but a century or so isn't so bad compared to eternity.

Of course you know James, it has been non-stop talk about you since 'it' happened.

I couldn't contain my 'Awwww!' as soon as I read this. In such a simple way, it captured all the emotion James and Sirius have for each other. =]

Who's going to watch over him, and make sure that those disgusting Muggles don't torture him?"

I was slightly confused by Lily's lack of reaction here. After all, those "disgusting Muggles" are her only living relatives. Her sister. Which, I know they didn't get along perfectly, but I would think she might have been at least a little repulsed by Sirius saying that. Meh. Or maybe after checking in on Harry periodically over the years, she's come to agree with the statement.

He started banging his head on the walls, and screaming at the top of his lungs, hoping that someone would hear him.

I'm not sure why, but this sentence made me laugh. A lot. Just the mental picture of Sirius banging his head against the walls... Yet, at the same time it gives me the impression that he's lost some of his sanity. He's not completely there. Why would someone bang their head against a wall, when they could just as easily bang their fists. Unless they were trying to hurt them-self.

Tears began to cascade down his face, filling his hands with the proof of his anguish.

This, easily, is my favourite sentence in the entire chapter. It's so endearing. It just make my heart go out to Sirius. I imagine confusion, fear, anger, and sadness all bottled up and finally coming out.

Overall, I'm really curious to see where you take this. Especially with the cliff hanger. Keep up the awesome writing!

Author's Response: Hmm some of the things you pointed out, I didn't even realize. Neither did my beta. I'll eventually go back and fix it all, but I appreciate you pointing it out to me. I'm glad you really enjoyed this story, though! And, if you read my bio on the site, the second chapter should be up soon. :) So, you'll soon know what happens next. I just have to start getting my mind going to what's going to happen next...I just can't seem to get started on the third chapter, but I will soon! :) Thank you again for your comments, and for liking it :)

Name: Firebird120 (Signed) · Date: 09/17/07 21:03 · For: Behind the Veil
That was a good first chapter. I can't wait to know what Sirius saw in the room. Keep writing!!

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it. I'm working on the second chapter now. It should be up as soon as I'm finished... just as long as it gets accepted. ;) Just keep checking back!

Name: KaileeA42 (Signed) · Date: 09/12/07 18:13 · For: Behind the Veil
I really like it so far. I love stories of Sirius behind the veil. Please update soon! I can't wait to find out what Sirius see's in the room.

Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked it!! :) I owe it all to my wonderful beta. I should be updating soon. I'm still working on the second chapter, so just keep checking back. :)

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