Ew. That slimy Malfoy! Great job on your story. I didn't expect that nice twist of events at the end, but I wouldn't put it past him. The git.

Great job!

Author's Response: Thanks!

Lizy~

I was very impressed by your first challenge submission. I thought you captured the essence of the prompt very well.

Your OC was believable and thought out. Nice job on creating a believable person.

The only real comment I have is that your beginning and your ending are a bit abrupt. You bring us into the story so quickly—an excellent idea. However, you flash back to her memories, and the timing wasn’t quite clear.

The second paragraph starts, ‘She had been surprised when…’ Then it ends as, ‘Now, her performance for the prosecution would determine…’ But the very next sentence jumps back in time… Perhaps it would be better to move that last sentence to the end of her flashback.

Then, at the end of your story, you’ve built up her sense of pride, then confusion. She runs into Malfoy (I’m not sure how plausible that is, but it works). And suddenly it’s over. There wasn’t really a build up. Since you’ve introduced your character as slightly nervous but brilliant then crestfallen, I think she could have a more vague conversation with Mr. Malfoy.

Rather than him spilling everything he just did, what if he totally beats her at her own game? What if he keeps his attitude of looking out for himself? Would he really admit that he would have voted guilty? I’m not sure he would have given her a compliment. It would have been nice to leave the reader as confused as her, then with a dawning realization be completely upset with what Malfoy did. At least, that’s what I would have liked to see from the character.

But nice job with your one-shot. :) I enjoyed the story.


Author's Response: Thank you so much for the advice! I love getting reviews like this; they really show me what to work on, and I'll definitely take some of your suggestions to heart and do a few edits before the challenge closes. Thanks so much!