MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: jenny b (Signed) · Date: 12/11/07 4:32 · For: 1 September 1971
Yay! SPEW buddy!

*squishes Marie*

The title of this fic immediately made me want to read it. Very catchy! I’m jealous of people who are good at titles. Mine always suck. :]

It was very easy to tell that Jane was James’ twin, even if you didn’t say anything about it. They were really alike. I just hope that you don’t continue to make her a female copy of Jane, because even identical twins have different personalities.

All of your characterisation was excellent for the first chapter though. I’m just not really that fond of making Peter their friend because he was alone. Taking pity on him is something James would do, but I can’t really imagine Peter just sitting there all alone. He was a Marauder, after all. And yes, I know I have a soft spot for the teenage Peter. :]

I found one tiny typo:

Most people don’t talk about being a Squib or about they people they know that are Squibs.

It should be the people.

I hadn’t read any of your fics before, but you do write beautifully. I love the way you make everything unfold, without having to tell it specifically (one of the things I always have trouble with!) I adored this story, and I can’t wait to see what you come up with for chapter 2!


Name: Binka Fudge (Signed) · Date: 12/02/07 13:47 · For: 1 September 1971
It's a shame you removed the story to alter it because of DH, your writing's so good it would've stood up on it's own without alterations. I like the fact that James has a sister, it's just so weird in the books when Harry has no relatives other than the Dursley's, I suspect something happens to Jane, but hopefully not too soon. Ah, if only James hadn't taken pity on Peter, things might have been so different. I hope the next chapter is up soon, I love marauder fics.

Name: Skipper424 (Signed) · Date: 10/18/07 6:43 · For: 1 September 1971
There is a very nice combination of elements here: a catchy banner, a catchy title, and a very catchy opening chapter. One of the most important things an opening chapter can do is engage the reader in someway. Though I would say that the main plot has not yet revealed itself (to me anyway), there is more than enough going on here to keep anyone who picks up this story interested, in particular your characterisation. Simply put, it’s wonderful.

Perhaps the only “complaint” I could make is the fact that your dialogue seems a bit mature to me for eleven year olds. I don’t mean to say the dialogue is not good, because it is very good. It’s just that I always envisioned children talking in far less formal terms, using a lot of slang, speaking in incomplete sentences … things of that nature. When I read the conversations here, I feel like I am seeing seventh years, not first years. Let me give you a couple of examples:

“I was inspecting the other compartments to try to find someone as nervous as me, so I got good at recognizing the look.”

“I’ll warn you right now that I’m probably not going to remember your names. I’m terrible with names,”

It’s just an opinion and I really hope that it is not taken to mean that I thought poorly of your dialogue, because it is the opposite of the truth. It just felt too mature for eleven year olds in a few places, that’s all (please do not hit me).

I like Jane very much as a character so far, and the way she interacts with James, and everyone else. The notion of James having a twin or any other sibling is not something I had thought of before and I really like the way you have presented it. And, James is done very nicely. You do a good job of keeping him “in character” while writing him in a way that doesn’t feel like I’ve read it hundred of times in other stories. So, great job with the Potter twins.

“Naturally.” He cocked his head arrogantly, winking and smiling a goofy smile. “Would you expect anything less? I am a Potter, after all.”

That seems just like James to me.

I’m looking forward to reading more of this story, and your work in general. This is the first story of yours I think I have read, and it is really quite good. I always enjoy stories where the writer does so well making believable characters, and you have done so nicely with that here.

Name: miss padfoot (Signed) · Date: 08/25/07 23:40 · For: 1 September 1971
Marie! *squishes SPEW Buddy* Firstly, let me tell you that the title you chose for this fic is very intriguing. I just couldn’t resist clicking the link when I read it on the top of your author’s page. Hee. Wonderful choice of words there, dear.

And when I read this fic a few days ago (I have a habit of making notes as I read) but when I read this fic, I just couldn’t stop reading to take notes. Your writing style has a certain charm to it; I simply couldn’t stop once I started. So then I had to force myself to take notes this time around so here we are with the review. =]

The first thing that caught my attention about your writing style is how you show the story rather than tell us the story. Right from the beginning, even the fact that James and Jane are twins isn’t told rather than shown, which is very impressive. This kind of approach makes the story so much more enjoyable. That added with your approach of not repeating any of the stuff we already know, like explanations to the terms “Squib” or “Muggle” makes for a very refreshing read. =]

I hadn’t read the story before you added DH canon to it, but I can see you’ve made the new canon points fit in here quite well, without repeating any of the stuff we’ve already seen in DH. I was particularly fond of your explanation to James and Sirius’ behaviour, and why they reacted to Snape the way they did. Excellent work, Mar.

Oh, and I must comment on your characterisation. Simply put, the whole bunch of eleven-year-olds that were shown in the fic – both canon and original characters – behave and act just like eleven-year-olds would. You’ve captured their age so well that it almost felt like I was reading PS, lol.

While all the characters are nicely written, my favourite was James Potter. Wow, from the very first chapter, I can tell you’ve got a great hold of his character. Right from his cockiness to his friendliness to his family pride, he’s every bit in character. It’s very easy to let James get too arrogant or too friendly that he becomes a flat character, but you’ve got a right mix of all his characteristics here. Especially this line:

He and Sirius had been vehemently discussing whether chocolate cauldrons or chocolate frogs were better, discussing the finer points, debating pure chocolate over chocolate pastries, and the drawbacks of each.

LOL! That’s exactly something that James and Sirius would do. *giggles*

Something that sort of confused me in the beginning was the sudden shift in the point of views. In the beginning of the fic, there wasn’t any particular person’s POV shown, and then we shifted to Jane’s POV, and while the transition to James’ POV was smooth, it sort of confused me a bit. Is this going to be a part of the style you’re using for this fic? I’m just curious to know. =]

Then, a few decently agreeable people joined them, and they all started up a game of Exploding Snap.

I wonder about the use of the word “agreeable” here. Isn’t it more of a French word? ;)

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention earlier, but I absolutely loved the history you’ve given to the Marauders. Instead of taking the easy route and have them all share a compartment, you’ve taken the time to create a plausible history for them. Very good work there, dear.

I have just one tiny nitpick for you, seeing as you and your beta’s have done a great job with this fic. ;)

Your parents used to own half the stuff in Merlins Museum of Magical History.

Shouldn’t it be “Merlin’s” here rather than “Merlins”?

Overall, I’m very impressed with the start of the story here, Mar, and I’m sure this will turn out to be one excellent Marauder-Era fic that stands out of the rest. =]

Name: pandafan81 (Signed) · Date: 08/24/07 0:23 · For: 1 September 1971
Ahhh! and I finally stumble across one of Marie's famous James and Jane Potter stories. *sniff* makes me think of that last day when we all sat around listening to your story firsthand. This format definately lacks the good company, the view of the Mississippi, and he warm breeze through the shadow of the tree we sat under, but the story is just as good!

I definately love that you've updated so that it's as close to canon as possible (you know, other than the existance of Jane). I liked seeing the other side of the first contact between Lily, James and Severus.

I love your characterization of James. He's certainly cocky and self-assured, but also kind and thoughtful. I appreciated that he thought about what Jane would have done if she had encountered the boy all by himself, and even through he tried, he couldn't abandon the kid.

...they loaded up with an armful each, and eventually decided that it was necessary to have both the cauldrons and the frogs and that they were equal in level of goodness.
he he he, I could hear your voice saying this last part, it's such a Marie thing to say!

I was only slightly put off my Jane's immediate attraction to Sirius.. but I shouldn't be. Eleven year olds (especially girls) fall for boys all the time... I guess it's one of those cliches in fanfic that I need to get over for your amazing storytelling. I know that you like defy the standard cliches and make them work.

I'm so glad you finally have this story up and running, and will eagerly follow!

Name: Lyra the Lovely (Signed) · Date: 08/23/07 20:14 · For: 1 September 1971
great job. keep writing, i want to know more!

Name: Pissenoffanis (Anonymous) · Date: 08/20/07 4:47 · For: 1 September 1971
Great beginning! You've introduced the characters all nicely. Update soon pleeease!

Name: Slytherovanian (Signed) · Date: 08/15/07 16:52 · For: 1 September 1971
Aha! I looove this! It kinda reminds me of my first day at school, like, normal school though :P anyway I really liked it. More Soon Please!! x

Name: Slytherovanian (Signed) · Date: 08/15/07 16:51 · For: 1 September 1971
Aha! I looove this! It kinda reminds me of my first day at school, like, normal school though :P anyway I really liked it. More Soon Please!! x

Name: twirlergirl583 (Signed) · Date: 08/14/07 19:10 · For: 1 September 1971
I like it. James has a twin sister? Interesting. And I like how you didn't have James automatically falling in love with Lily. It was refreshing!

Name: charlie black (Signed) · Date: 08/14/07 11:57 · For: 1 September 1971
its good, i like it.

Name: Pussycat123 (Signed) · Date: 08/14/07 8:03 · For: 1 September 1971
Hmm ... I think I reviewed before, and I have to say, I'm very impressed with the changes you've made - I imagine that, due to the revelation of Snape and Lily's friendship, a lot of MWPP fics were suddenly, without warning, no longer canon, and you seem to have handled the change well - in fact, I'm really looking forward to what happens next!

It was well written, and intriguing, just like I believe the original was, so I hope you continue it soon! =D

Name: baby b (Signed) · Date: 08/14/07 6:02 · For: 1 September 1971
luved it hurry n update plz

Name: SJZuhlsdorf (Signed) · Date: 08/14/07 1:09 · For: 1 September 1971
Good story so far. Can't wait to

You must login (register) to review.