Hey, great job! I like how you portrayed James; I doubt he was always cocky and confident. I'm not sure that he was always in love with Lily, though, but who really knows for sure? Very nice job. :D
Poor James! I'm glad things worked out in the end.
Nice names, BTW.
All the characters seem very much like cardboard cut-outs based on their children's personalities. Would every parent/child age gap be 20 years? Would they all have the same personality? Position? Skills?
There's also no real chance to get to know and feel for the characters - a match shouldn't be straight out... you need to talk about selection, emotions, nerves... that first paragraph could have been drawn out a hundred times over.
It's a good pretence, but it needs more meat.
Author's Response: As you can see, this story focuses solely on James. This is what James feels, what James sees. Obviously, he can't feel what MacNair is feeling or other characters. My first paragraph doesn't contain much emotion so I don't think I could've drawn it out. It has been commented several times in the book that Harry is very much like his father, in behavior and looks.
Slightly unrealistic but well written. xxx
I liked this story very much.