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Name: Sariana (Signed) · Date: 10/04/07 12:17 · For: Chapter 1
Nice interpretation of "canon" events, although I don't like seeing Snape cast in a negative light. I kept waiting for him to do something redeeming. And I agree with the poster who said Lucius also does not really seem evil, just conceited and prejudiced.

Also, Luna is a year behind Harry, so she would have had Moody in her third year, not her fourth.

But I do want to echo what other reviewers have said: You have captured Luna's personality spot-on. Good work there.

Name: hicktib (Signed) · Date: 08/16/07 19:08 · For: Chapter 1
This is a very good story. I liked Luna a lot before. Even more now.

Thank you.

Author's Response: Thanks. I believe it's important to do good in the world.

Name: The Ghoul In The Attic (Signed) · Date: 08/09/07 9:45 · For: Chapter 1
Very nice! I like!

Author's Response: *blushes* Thanks. :D

Author's Response: *blushes* Thanks. :D

Name: Fantasium (Signed) · Date: 08/01/07 11:22 · For: Chapter 1
Hi Gen! This is an interesting piece on Luna you have here, so I thought I’d leave you a review!

To begin with, I’d like to point out a couple of small formatting mistakes. At the moment it’s a bit difficult to make out where the Author’s Note ends and the story starts, so I would suggest either putting a line or several blank lines between the paragraphs belonging to the A/N and to the actual story. The other little formatting issue I stumbled upon was this:

The little blonde girl sat in her bed, looking through the tatty pages of an old book. A
blonde woman walked through the bedroom door.

- see? For some reason the sentence is split into three lines. This shouldn’t be too difficult to correct, though. =) But while I’ve already quoted those two sentences, I want to ask you about the repetition of “blonde”. Is it intentional, the “little blonde girl” versus “the tall blonde woman”? If not, I think it might work to write something like, “A tall woman of matching hair colour walked through the bedroom door.” – just to get a bit more variation and flow in your text.

Ha, I love that you named Luna’s mother Evanna! It’s a very pretty name, and it already makes your readers think about Luna since that’s the name of the girl who plays her in OotP. Lovely!

Hmm… I’m not sure I agree 100% with your interpretation of Lucius Malfoy. Yes, perhaps he joined the Death Eaters willingly, but when reading the books I always got the impression that he was more snobby and self-important than really evil. I think he might have offered to torture or kill someone if Voldemort had been present, to prove himself so to speak, but I don’t think he enjoys hurting people, like Bellatrix or McNair. At least not pure-blood wizards and witches – Lucius does have a serious case of pure-blood-mania, doesn’t he? Of course, he could well consider the Lovegoods to be blood-traitors… but, lol, now I’m just blabbering. My point is that I think that some other Death Eater would be more likely to step forward and do such a horrible deed. And before I leave the subject of Lucius, I would like to add that I really like how you’ve written that he speaks “smoothly” – that’s exactly how I imagine Lucius’ voice!

I have some thoughts on the “Crucio Muffliato” curse. I agree with you and think it’s a very clever thing of you to have thought of, that the Death Eaters would have a curse to torture their victims without a sound. But I don’t know if “Muffliato” is the appropriate spell to combine it with? Because, judging by canon, it only blocks out the sounds of the caster of the spell, not the person it’s cast at, and it’s also supposed to fill the ears of the surrounding people with a buzz, or something like that. This is of course no big deal, but it was something I reacted on. If you would like to change the spell, I would like to suggest Silencio, the spell Harry & Co used on bullfrogs and ravens during a Charms lesson in their fifth year.

Then I’ll move quickly forward to Luna’s and Harry’s conversation. The first thing that struck me was this:

Luna thought about how he did ask rather a lot of questions, but decided to answer them anyway.

Oh, that is so wonderfully Luna! Spot on! It’s wonderful that you don’t write, “Luna thought that all of his questions were annoying” or something like that, because I imagine that Luna would simply state the fact to herself, not be annoyed with or bothered by it. And this is also so her:

Luna longed for a best friend, and if she had some she would take every opportunity to be with them.

Such a simple line and such Luna-like logic. In fact, I think Luna, as a character, suits your style of writing very well, because both she and your style are very straightforward and honest. And, now, this I think is really interesting:

Luna looked at Harry, smiling desperately, waiting for him to say “I heard them too. You’re not the only one, I heard them too.” Was she the only one who could hear them?

In the books, we’ve always seen Luna as very sure of herself and her “odd ways”, and she’s repeatedly argued for the things she believe in. But here, all of a sudden, you write her doubtful and unsure of what she heard was real, or if she’s really “loony”. And while this may be different from the Luna we know, I think it works well for your story. This isn’t about something trivial like unknown, magical animals or a Rotfang Conspiracy, but about something as serious as her beloved mother. And perhaps it’s so that when Luna wishes, more than ever, that an odd thing is real, she also doubts it the most? Very interesting, I think.

I found only one typo/spelling error in your story: “What shall we do with the little girl who asks to many questions?” - that needs to be “too” instead of “to”. And then I found this, an unclear pronoun reference:

Seeing Lucius Malfoy and his son, Draco boarding the Hogwarts express, then seeing Snape as one of the teachers.

When reading that, it sounds to me like both Lucius and Draco are boarding the train. Of course, most of your readers will know that only Draco got on the train, but perhaps you want to rewrite it to make it easier to understand. A better way of putting it might be, “Seeing Lucius Malfoy on Platform Nine and Three-Quarters with his son, Draco, and then seeing Snape as one of the professors.”

Finally, I’d like to talk about the very last sentence of your story:

“Mum would be proud,” she thought, taking the first few steps toward overcoming the sadness.

I like the part about her mum being proud and that Luna finds comfort in that thought, but I’m confused by the “taking the first steps toward overcoming the sadness”. In your story, it’s been five years since Evanna Lovegood’s death, and I would think that Luna has struggled with overcoming the sadness since the day her mother died. Perhaps it would sound better to say, “taking another step toward overcoming the sadness.”?

lol, poor Gen, I hope you don’t think I’m too harsh? If I understood correctly this is your first piece of submitted fanfic, so congratulations! Your spelling and grammar are very good, and that’s an excellent starting point. Allow yourself to play with words and descriptions and you’ll soon see how your stories flow and grow and how your personal style develops. I enjoyed reading this story, and I really hope you continue writing!

Author's Response: Thank you so much, Fantasium. I'm going to refer to your advice when I try and write again. You definitely weren't too harsh, I'm going to need all the help I can get!

Name: FullofLife (Signed) · Date: 08/01/07 2:20 · For: Chapter 1
Great job! A really good piece of writing, in my opinion (though I know it doesn't count for much :D).

Luna looked at Harry, smiling desperately, waiting for him to say “I heard them too. You’re not the only one, I heard them too.” Was she the only one who could hear them?

Luna was perfectly in character and it was really wonderful to see the bit of her that actually supposes that the people who tease her are right and that she is Loony.

I'm glad you had her begin to overcome her grief. Nice job again!

Author's Response: Thanks heaps, it's my first story, so I hope I can get more positive feedback. :D

Name: Lily_rocks (Signed) · Date: 08/01/07 1:33 · For: Chapter 1
So beautiful! *wipes tear off cheek* Perfect! 10/10

Author's Response: Thank you!! Wow! It's my first piece, so that's good to hear!

Name: sam_1034_lily (Signed) · Date: 07/31/07 23:22 · For: Chapter 1
it was great
i never really thought abt lunas mom before but u did a great job

Name: AlexisAnRon4ever (Signed) · Date: 07/31/07 23:18 · For: Chapter 1
nice i liked it.

Name: Everlasting (Signed) · Date: 07/31/07 23:16 · For: Chapter 1
Aww... this was such a nice story, perfectly laid out and everything. I love how she finally overcomes it in the end... And who knows, maybe this did happen? I mean, she definitely never described the "experiment". I love how you portray Luna... she isn't loony after all.

Author's Response: Thanks. I thought Luna operated so well under stress, she couldn't actually be loony, and as she's human, she still had to have insecurites about that.

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