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Reviews For Moments

Name: to_the_stage93 (Signed) · Date: 08/14/07 12:20 · For: The Man on the Moon is a Sadistic, Bloody Bastard
Oh my goodness, I LOVE this chapter SO much!!!! So funny.....especially James's line about being the manliest men in the world, and Sirius drawing a unibrow on Remus....great. I didn't like the first chapter that much, it isn't that much of a strong chapter, however it served its' purpose (introducing the characters) and led way to a FABULOUS chapter!!!!!!!!!!!
Great job!
I will be looking for more. Fabulous.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'll probably go back and edit the first chapter at some point, but I'm glad you liked this one!

Name: FeatherTrader (Signed) · Date: 08/08/07 22:43 · For: The Man on the Moon is a Sadistic, Bloody Bastard

I’m back. =] With another novel for you to read, of course. I’m going to attempt to make this one a shorter than the last, since it sort of got out of hand. But, I apologise in advance for my ranting, even as I do it right now.

It’s really quite remarkable that your style can morph to fit the topic of the chapter so easily, without losing any of its elegance or its flow. Actually, it’s a quite amazing feat.

“You mark my words, now. There’s summat not right in that house, summat not right atall.”

At all. You’re missing a space. (Warning; this review is also filled with several very nit-picky comments. Sorry in advance.)

Trying hard to stay up on his shaking legs, he slowly hobbled across the room, the better to look at the clock on the moldering wall.

This sentence sounds rather awkward, and it took me a few reads to finally get what you meant. Or at least, finally get what I think you meant. First off, it should only be ‘stay on his shaking legs’ instead of the ‘up on.’ Double prepositions are a grammatical no-no. Now, I think the problem in understanding the sentence comes in the latter part. Well, mainly ‘the better to look at the clock.’ Personally, it seems rather wordy and awkward, and, in the end, just doesn’t flow nicely with the rest of your writing style. Maybe you could try rewording to something like ‘to better look at the clock’ or ‘to look at the clock better.’ (Yes, I am aware I called it wordy and in the end only removed one word. >_>)

If there really is a man on the moon, he must be one bloody sadistic bastard, Remus thought bitterly.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I love the word play here. Also, it really gives the reader a different look on Remus. He is in one of the worse situations a wizard can find themselves in and yet, Remus has the energy to joke about it.

“Err, sorry, I’ve got to, er, hospital wing, think I ate something at dinner, you know?” He stuttered, sounding more like Peter than himself.

There should be a full-stop after ‘hospital wing.’ Also, it would flow better if it was worded ‘I think’ instead of ‘think I.’ Finally, stuttering is a speaking action, so ‘He’
shouldn’t be capitilised. Also, I love the comparison to poor Peter. It really aids the reader in understanding Remus’s tone.

Not for the first, time, he felt guilty for keeping his lycanthropy a secret from his James, Sirius, and Peter.

Awww! I love the possession in this sentence. In such a simple word (his) it deepens the way the reader sees the Remus’s relationship with Sirius, James, and Peter.

In the seven years since he had been bitten, he had seen countless friends, family members, and neighbors distance themselves from him, and wasn’t sure if he could stand it to happen again.

Again, with me trying to be British. It should be neighbours rather than neighbors. Also, you need a ‘he’ between ‘and’ and ‘wasn’t’ to help with the flow and to do the comma in front of ‘and’ justice. Also, I have to say, poor, poor Remus. I really like how you portray him as sad and guilty about not fully trusting his friends without making him come off as pathetic. It’s a very hard balance to find, but you’ve done a fabulous job!

He thought there would be lots of yelling and drama, feelings of betrayal and hurt. He would find himself on the castle doorstep, wondering where to go while lightning flashed in the sky and it rained steadily.

Something about this makes me laugh. I’m not sure what, since it actually would be a really sad scene, but just the idea of Remus imagining it forces a chuckle to my lips. But, in truth, I really do like the image it paints. It’s very soap opra-ish.

“We have got to be the three manliest guys in the world.” James joked after a while, leaning back.

Comma instead of full stop after world. About half-way through you started slipping up on the dialogue punctuation. Speaking of this quote, however, I love how you gave this line to James. It really fits not only his personality but also one of his characteristics of being around the Marauders. He erases the tension and keeps everything light. Well, really I guess it could be argued that Sirius does this also, but it simply seems like a very James-like thing to say.

“But you’re not animals. When you snore you kind of sound like one, but you’re not.”

You seem to really flesh Remus out in this chapter. Normally, when I read Marauder Era stories I feel as if Remus and Peter have been cheated out of ‘good’ characteristics. Well, good isn’t the best word for it. When I say good, I mean...the sort of thing that makes people want to be around you. However, in this chapter you give Remus a unique trait of his own that fits him in quite nicely to the Marauder dynamics. We’ve seen how James and Sirius can banter back in force with their own off handed comments, but Remus has the ability to take something and twist it. Very nicely done.

“We’re not right now.” James stated proudly, his glasses glinting in the light from the fireplace.

This could be argued, James. (It should be a comma instead of a full-stop.)

Remus snorted. “And ever so modest.”

I love this line. I can really see it sort of being Remus’s place to keep the Marauders (especially James and Sirius) in check. After all, Dumbledore did make him prefect for this suspected reason.

“Shhh Jamesie!” Sirius mock-scolded. “Our widdle moon-munchkin wants to sleep!” Remus snorted again.

There should be a comma before Jamesie. So, so far we have the ‘widdle moon-munchkin’ and ‘Emperor James.’ Who’s next? =]

Then Sirius took a quill and ink out of his pocket and deftly drew a unibrow over Remus’s forehead.

Does a better ending to a fanfiction chapter even exist? =] It really takes such a serious chapter that gradually grows to be more light-hearted and humourous and just forces the reader to laugh. Wonderful job.

So, in my attempt to be short and to the point, I think I only succeeded in making this review longer than the last one. Sorry to have bored you half to death. Overall though, you’re really doing a fantastic job. This scene was really quite unique in the idea that the Marauders were really accepting towards Remus’s condition and didn’t make a big scene over it. Keep up the fantastic writing!

Author's Response: Another great review! Don't worry, these aren't boring; they're probably the most helpful reviews. I apologize to all those commas, I think I might possibly understand them somewhat now! Thank you so so so much!

Name: FeatherTrader (Signed) · Date: 08/08/07 21:44 · For: James Potter, the Creepy Kid Who Lives in a Toilet

I love your style of writing. Almost as much as I love Sirius. Well...almost.

There are lots of Marauder Era writers out there, all of them being very talented and having some of the most brilliant plot bunnies for stories, but a good deal of them just don’t seem to flow right because they don’t have the right voice to deal with the Marauder’s personalities. However, your writing style mingles the perfect amount of humour with the just right amount of serious-ness. Usually, when I’m reviewing a piece I quote some of my favourite lines in the story, whether it be for amazing imagery or just a wonderful line of dialogue. Unfortunately, with this chapter, I am guilty of intending to quote just about every other line of dialogue. Nonetheless, that obviously would have made the review even longer than it will end up as it stands at the moment.

I’ll try not to bore you half-way through. =]

James Potter leaned his elbows on the sink, staring at his reflection in the cracked and discolored mirror in the bathroom of the Hogwarts Express.

A tiny nit-picky thing (because I’m in a very nit-picky mood today) is that discolored should rather be discoloured, since the latter is the British spelling.

The first voice rolled its eyes. Well no shit, Sherlock! That’s not what I mean. Actually, that voice got him into trouble too.

Schizophrenia, anyone? Just kidding. Well, the main thing that bothered me about this line was the ‘no shit, Sherlock’ part. First off, I’ve taken to checking slang references ever since I took this Marauder Era class on the forums. Although I couldn’t find a single date where this saying became popular, it emerged in the late twentieth century. So, that would mean 1970s-2000. Technically, it’s okay. The only thing is that this is James Potter thinking it, and since he’s a pure-blood it’s generally accepted that their a bit more behind on popular Muggle slang. All of that aside, I’m not sure if an eleven-year-old boy in the 1970s would say shit.

Great tales would forever proclaim the deeds of James Potter, the Extraordinary Boy Who Is Really, Really Popular.

I love the titles; both the one in the quote above and the one the chapter was titled after. They really give voice to James. Although, after re-reading this quote a few times, I’m starting to wonder if it should perhaps be ‘the Extraordinary Boy Who Was Really, Really Popular’ since he’s referring to forever.

You need to march out there, find a compartment of other scared, first years, continued the voice, and declare yourself emperor of them all.

I love this. All hail emperor James. (Please note here that I’m usually not this hyper in reviews. But your story (and the fact that it’s really late, or rather really early) has me jumping off walls) This was one of my favourite lines. Actually, I’d even dare to say it was my favourite line.

As quickly as it had gone, Sirius’s good humor had returned.

Humour, not humor.

“Broom?! What kind of broom? Is it good? I love Quidditch? Do you play it a lot?” Now Sirius really was shouting, jumping up and down with a puppy-like enthusiasm.

Sirius! *tacklehugs* I really like the hyper-active eleven-year-old personality you’ve given him, and I feel like you’ve hit his characterisation head-on. Wonderful job! Although, I must say, the ‘I love Quidditch’ should have an exclamation or a full stop after it, not a question mark. Unless, of course, that is what you were going for...

“Well, I play Quidditch.” James supplied, in order to break the silence that had descended upon them.

Instead of a period after Quidditch, it should be a comma since ‘supplied’ is a verbal action.

“I’m Peter Pettigrew,” The boy said.

Ahhh. Peter. I’m really interested to see how you characterise him. Watch out, because I’m a die hard ‘let’s all be fair to poor Peter’ person. The point of this quote, however, was to mention that the ‘The’ should be lower-cased.

“Couldn’t agree with you more.” Sirius told it, keeping a surprisingly straight face.

I can very easily see this scene playing out, especially with James sarcastic comment after it. Wonderful job keeping the conversation flowing and releasing the tension between the soon-to-be Marauders. Also, it should be a full stop after more, but a comma.

He forgot about being scared, he forgot to worry about the Sorting and the seven years ahead of him. He even forgot about being alone in the bathroom.

With the pattern of these two sentences, I feel as if they should be made into three. However, if you don’t want to make them into there, there needs to be a semi-colon instead of a comma after ‘scared.’

Overall, I have to congratulate you on a chapter well written. I really adore reading younger scenes of the Marauders, but unfortunately not many of them exist. Keep up the fantastic writing!

Author's Response: Ahh! Thank you so much! I'm terrible with Britishisms and with punctuation in general, so your advice really helps! (I did think that James's "no shit, Sherlock" wasn't exactly, erm, accurate, but I love that expression so I just had to include it) I'm really glad you like this story, and your review was super helpful! And there just might be something about Peter coming up in a few chapters...

Name: bluemoon13 (Signed) · Date: 08/07/07 13:58 · For: The Man on the Moon is a Sadistic, Bloody Bastard
nice! I like it!

Author's Response: Thanks!

Name: indijo (Signed) · Date: 07/30/07 16:28 · For: James Potter, the Creepy Kid Who Lives in a Toilet
I like how you portrayed James...
Post sooon!

Name: indijo (Signed) · Date: 07/30/07 16:26 · For: James Potter, the Creepy Kid Who Lives in a Toilet
I like how you portrayed James...
Post sooon!

Author's Response: Thanks :D !!! I'm glad he didn't come across too OOC...Chapter 2 is in the beta-izinating process right now, so it shouldn't be too long.

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