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Reviews For Moments

Name: MaraudingMarauders (Signed) · Date: 11/06/07 8:54 · For: Black of Night
Finally another update!!! Great chapter loved the very end of it about both of them sitting in Azkaban together. Hehe :)

Author's Response: Sorry about taking so long... Happy you picked up on the irony, though!

Name: Merlynne (Signed) · Date: 10/04/07 12:35 · For: From the Bottom of the Ladder
Great chapter! I really enjoyed how you delved into Peter's role among the Marauders. You make it both believable that he would stay with them, and believable that he might eventually betray him. The insecurity wasn't overboard in the least. I suspect Peter would have been a very insecure individual, as insecurity can often lead people to doing the most desperate things. The Nose-Engorgement thing was hilarious. Great work!

Author's Response: Thank you lots!

Name: MaraudingMarauders (Signed) · Date: 10/02/07 8:55 · For: From the Bottom of the Ladder
Not a bad chapter. I really liked how Remus stayed in charater but Peter's insecurity was in my opinion a little too much. James and Sirius were pretty good also.

Author's Response: I was worried that Peter might come off that way, but I'm glad the others are okay. Heheh that rhymed... Thank you so much!!

Name: Hectate (Signed) · Date: 10/02/07 4:12 · For: The Man on the Moon is a Sadistic, Bloody Bastard
Nice, non-contived creation of nicknames. Or rather explanation of how some nicknames came to be.

Author's Response: Thanks...I do love nicknames.

Name: Pissenoffanis (Anonymous) · Date: 10/01/07 22:18 · For: From the Bottom of the Ladder
Poor Peter... I would so hate to be a tag-along! Great way of inventing spells - even if the result wasn't exactly what hey were er after :)

Author's Response: I know, I've always felt bad for Peter...Thank you for the review!

Name: Crows (Signed) · Date: 10/01/07 15:32 · For: From the Bottom of the Ladder
Veeeery interesting. Keep going, I'll keep an eye on it.

Author's Response: Interesting in a good way, I hope? Thank you!

Name: Luna_Lovegood11 (Signed) · Date: 10/01/07 15:24 · For: From the Bottom of the Ladder
LOL that made me laugh so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the sauerkraut incident thing was funny, i wonder what they did? hilarious!

Author's Response: Knowing the Marauders, it might be better that we don't know what the Sauerkraut Incident was...^_^ Thanks for the review!

Name: seriouslysiriusx3 (Signed) · Date: 09/16/07 19:40 · For: The Marauders' Halloween Special
These stories are so funny & well characterized! Great job.

My favorite line - "and so I thought who else would have black eyeliner, but Sirius Black?" Haha.

Author's Response: Thank you much!

Name: beautifulromantic (Signed) · Date: 08/28/07 5:18 · For: The Marauders' Halloween Special
The maruders sound exactly like how me and my friends act:completely crazy. This was such a hilarious chapter, update soon!

Author's Response: ^_^ I never really thought about it, but "crazy" is a great way to describe them! Chapter 4's with my BETA right now, it'll be here soon, I hope.

Name: MaraudingMarauders (Signed) · Date: 08/26/07 20:12 · For: The Marauders' Halloween Special
Well done another interesting and humerous chapter. Love the James and Sirius conversations!

Author's Response: Muchas gracias! Rest assured that there will be more "James and Sirius conversations", they're really fun to write!

Name: MaraudingMarauders (Signed) · Date: 08/26/07 20:06 · For: The Man on the Moon is a Sadistic, Bloody Bastard
They are such true friends to Remus. Almost wish I was at Hogwarts with the Marauders!! Excellent chapter!

Author's Response: Don't we all wish we were at Hogwarts? ^_^ Thanks for the review!

Name: MaraudingMarauders (Signed) · Date: 08/26/07 19:50 · For: James Potter, the Creepy Kid Who Lives in a Toilet
I liked the introduction to how the marauders met. Sirius is already my favorite character. Excellent story so far!

Author's Response: Thanks! Sirius is one of my favorites, too!

Name: Ennalee (Signed) · Date: 08/26/07 17:01 · For: The Marauders' Halloween Special
Another fun chapter, though, of course, I wasn’t expecting anything else.

A few nitpicks, because I can never resist nitpicking. The fire seemed to backlight her, making her appear more intimidating than even Professor McGonagall. I’m not quite sure of the use of ‘backlight’ as a verb here.

Each Marauder had a different, trademark, way of showing anger. I struggled with the rhythm of this sentence a little, and had to stop and reread it; while I figured out what it was saying, and I don’t think it’s grammatically incorrect, sentences that make the reader stop and go back are generally something to be avoided, so I thought I’d point it out.

The reference to Sirius being angry a few times a week struck me as odd – nothing particularly wrong with it, but it seems a strange way to measure anger, by the time rather than the situation. It would seem more natural to me to hear that Sirius required moderate provocation, or something, rather than a quantity of time. Just personal preference, of course. I did enjoy the descriptions of anger, though – especially poor, inadvertently comical Peter. (Do be careful of including too many paragraphs like this, though – in moderation it’s fine, but too many leads to stories that are all telling rather than showing.)

This was a fun, well written chapter, and I’m sorry if things are coming out mostly in criticism – I’m not very good at writing humor, and so don’t have a lot to say about it, even when it’s well done, which it is. I think my only real problem with this chapter, the thing that made me enjoy it less than the last chapter, is the lack of a grounding sense of perspective. We’re in a sort of omniscient perspective, making brief forays into particular minds, but there isn’t really any defining focus. I know you’re going for a snapshot view of a particular moment, but even so, I want something grounding, a focus amid the humor. Remus provided that in the last chapter, and sometimes here as well. “And now he’s speaking in tongues. Oh dear, sweet Merlin, am I the only normal one in here?” Remus moaned, sinking back into his mattress and directing his words towards the only other entity which would listen to him: the ceiling. This was a great sentence, and it’s one possible way of grounding the story; when writing about characters with the particular wackiness of James and Sirius, it’s helpful to have a more ‘normal’ character carrying on some sort of rapport with the reader.

Despite all my criticism, I very much enjoyed the chapter, and there were some wonderful gems of moments: the fantastic arrival of a girl in the dormitory, James’s response to Lily’s disapproval, Remus in general… all in all, great job, and I look forward to more!

Author's Response: I love nitpicking! Otherwise, how would all the little details that bug people ever change? A few chapters are written in this kind of limited narration, mostly the more humorous ones, but I'm always able to change that if this seems like a problem. But thank you again for your wonderful imput. :)

Name: Ennalee (Signed) · Date: 08/26/07 16:42 · For: The Man on the Moon is a Sadistic, Bloody Bastard
You’re right – this chapter is stronger than the first one. Although I enjoyed the first one, particularly the narrative voice, it was strongest in the beginning and didn’t sustain itself all the way through. This chapter has a much more elegant style; I love the shift in perspective, starting with the old man telling stories about the Shrieking Shack, and then shifting, with the help of an omniscient narrative voice ( Although the old man had no way of knowing, there was indeed something “not right at all” in the Shack, but it wasn’t what he thought), to Remus. I am curious, though, as to what POV you are writing the story as a whole from, as that omniscient voice wasn’t present at all in the first chapter.

I am impressed by the versatility of your narrative voice. Last chapter, James made me laugh and sympathize – this chapter, I’m laughing again, but at a completely different type of humor. …swapping stories and trying to account for its sudden, formidable (and rather loud) presence.” Great line! I also like the reference to the insatiable curiosity of Hogwarts students – very true! Remus Lupin was rarely ever bitter, but the moon warranted all his animosity and then some. So many great lines in here! I am really enjoying this chapter.

I was very impressed by the smoothness of your POV transition at the beginning of the chapter – it had a very professional sound to it. The flashback was less smooth – while it is easy to denote a flashback by merely including it in italics, I think you’re a strong enough writer to be able to work it in more naturally. You can most easily do this by changing the tense: “James had called,” instead of “James called,” though sometimes when integrating flashbacks it doesn’t work to recreate all the dialogue exactly. Of course, there’s no rule against doing the flashback as you did it, in italics, but I think integrated flashbacks give a more professional feel, except for in cases where recurring flashbacks are used in a stylistic manner.

Only one nitpick this time: “Amistad” he muttered quickly, knowing that if he lingered, she would ask him what was wrong. There should be a comma after ‘Amistad’.

I wasn’t quite sure if I liked the reintroduction of James and Sirius – we’ve already met them in the first chapter, so it’s not strictly necessary to reintroduce them now that you’ve changed POV. Unless you’re treating these as a series of related one-shots, which would also explain my questions about the change in the narration. There are other possible reasons as well, of course; I just thought I’d bring up the question.

I’m continuing to enjoy James and his sarcasm a lot, and you’re selling me on Remus as well – I’m interested to see what you do with Peter. Great job, again.

Author's Response: Thanks again! This whole story did start out as a series of one-shots (this was the original one), so the POV will change from chapter to chapter. Again, great advice!!

Name: Ennalee (Signed) · Date: 08/26/07 16:21 · For: James Potter, the Creepy Kid Who Lives in a Toilet
I don’t usually read Marauders stories that begin on the train (not because there’s anything fundamentally wrong with them, but just because there are so many, and weeding out ones that start on the train tends to get rid of some of the most cliché). I kept on reading yours even after I realized what the setting was, mainly because I was very much enjoying your James-voice. Great job at taking a cliché setting and turning it into something unusual, by the way – it’s not often that we get a glimpse of James Potter, the scared boy in the bathroom, and I really enjoyed it.
As I said, James’s voice is fantastic. The line about pretending to be trainsick was very cute – how many people haven’t taken refuge in a bathroom at one point in their lives? And Emperor James and his soundtrack were great as well – you’ve really sold your version of James to me, within the first chapter alone. Also, some great lines in there. *giggles*
A few nitpicks:
You know what you need to do, don’t you? Asked the bold voice that often encouraged him to pull pranks such as putting toads in his mother’s bedroom slippers. Asked shouldn’t be capitalized – the italicized thoughts follow the same rules as dialogue, although the computer will probably try to automatically capitalize it for you.
You need to march out there, find a compartment of other scared, first years, continued the voice, and declare yourself emperor of them all. I think that the “continued the voice” is sort of repetitive here – we know it’s the voice talking, and it interrupts the flow of the thoughts somewhat.
James blinked, bemused. A young, male face was bobbing in front of his. Its eyes, partially concealed by sleek black hair, were twinkling with mischief. This is a very minor nitpick, but this sentence stuck out to me a little. Given the casual, sarcastic tone that is James’s voice, the description of the face as “male” seemed surprisingly formal. ‘Boyish,’ maybe? Or “the face of a young boy,” which would allow you to say “his eyes,” rather than “its,” which also sounded slightly awkward to my ear.
You seem to have very defined characterizations for Sirius and James, and I’m interested to see where you take them, and also what sort of personalities you develop for Remus and Peter. (As a side note, this chapter was primarily about James and Sirius, and you did a great job of showing their personalities; we were merely told a bit about Remus and Peter, but I’m sure more is coming in future chapters.) Looking forward to reading more!

Author's Response: Yay, I love long reviews! I mainly wrote this chapter because I thought the Marauders needed some sort of beginning. Now, though, I'm not sure how necessary it was, and I'm thinking of completely rewriting this one...Thanks for a great, helpful, review!

Name: Pissenoffanis (Anonymous) · Date: 08/25/07 5:00 · For: The Marauders' Halloween Special
This was a funny chapter! I had a grins on my face when James was being real melodromatic. I like! :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you think it's funny!

Name: Merlynne (Signed) · Date: 08/24/07 19:56 · For: The Man on the Moon is a Sadistic, Bloody Bastard
I love the way you write dialogue. Fantastic. And your characterizations are enjoyable and still believable. I like it very much, especially the way you insert the little bits of canon references, like the marauders. Didn't see it coming, but very funny. Great work!

Author's Response: Thanks for another great review!

Name: Merlynne (Signed) · Date: 08/24/07 18:21 · For: James Potter, the Creepy Kid Who Lives in a Toilet
You have a brilliant writing style! I love the voice! It's so easy to read and heaps of fun. I've never much liked Marauder era fics, but this was brilliant! I was hooked before I realized quite what was going on. Great work!

Author's Response: Danke! :D

Name: Siriuslyinluvwithharry (Signed) · Date: 08/24/07 17:42 · For: The Marauders' Halloween Special
hahaha i love this!

Author's Response: Thank you so much!

Name: Pissenoffanis (Anonymous) · Date: 08/20/07 4:55 · For: The Man on the Moon is a Sadistic, Bloody Bastard
Haha I like the humour in your story. Can't wait to read more!!!

Author's Response: Thanks ^_^

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